driving self crazy thinking about whether I'm on spectrum

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Hi, I'm new here so feel free to direct me to the right place if this conversation has been had before/is being had elsewhere. I've struggled with anxiety around social encounters all my life, among other things. I've briefly wondered in the past if I might be somewhere on the autism spectrum, but dismissed it. Three weeks ago a counselor I'm seeing said she thinks from the way I talk and some of my behaviors/issues, I might be on the spectrum, probably pretty close to the edge of being diagnosable.

In some ways it feels really attractive to imagine finally having a label for what's going on with me, and it feels like a useful way to maybe be able to let go of trying to fix all my social quirks/discomfort/stimming habits, etc., and just accept that maybe there'll always be a certain level at which some things will just be harder for me, and that's OK. (Of course that may be true whether or not ASD is the cause, but it feels different somehow.)

But, I'm getting REALLY caught up in trying to figure out if this is "true", like is it really being on the spectrum that explains some of my difficulties/traits, or is it better explained by anxiety alone, or something else altogether. So I find myself going over and over and over everything I do and everything I ever have done and everything I've ever felt, asking myself whether it "fits" with being on the spectrum or not. I've been reading lots of articles about women on the spectrum and getting fixated on the ways they do or don't sound like me. A lot of things seem to fit and some don't of course, and some of the behaviors that do fit only happen at some times, so I have never-ending opportunities to reanalyze. And now instead of just being my normal anxious/lost/frustrated in social situations, there's an additional layer of me analyzing what I'm doing to see how "autistic" I think it is.

I'm considering whether to seek a diagnosis, but of course diagnoses are not everything. I know that I might be on the spectrum and not be diagnosable or not be on the spectrum but be misdiagnosed. So I'm trying not to fixate on that (though it's hard for me not to want the label).

But in the meantime all this analyzing in circles is not feeling very good for me, and I get frustrated with myself for not being able to stop. I've already been struggling at work recently, and this is making it harder than ever to concentrate. I'm trying to practice self-forgiveness, and remind myself that it's natural to want answers, and that getting stuck in certain thoughts and seeing things as black and white may actually be part of what's going on if I am on the spectrum. But it's just been feeling very hard to get out of going in circles.

So I guess I'm wondering if anyone else has gone through something similar, getting fixated on whether they're on the spectrum or not, or fixated on how being on the spectrum affects them. And if so, how did/do you move through it or is it something you still struggle with?

Thanks for bearing with me through this long post and thanks in advance for any thoughts.

You've come to the right place.

Many people here go though a similar struggle to you in understanding yourself.

I guess I was "fortunate" in being diagnosed with autism at a very young age.

I went through the same kind of thought patterns you describe -- very analytic, lots of questions, constantly trying to figure out the answers, and several who suspected I probably was on it. I finally sought out diagnosis at age 29, and it was confirmed. Moreover, I wasn't just a mild case, but a moderate one: 33 on the retrograde CARS.

Female Aspies do slip under the radar more than the men. Some of us do well academically and are just labeled shy or nerdy or anxious or OCD instead. Problems aren't always especially apparent until adulthood when we have to act more independently, can't always rely on older adults or classmates for social cues, and have to handle increasingly complicated executive function tasks.

I do recommend seeking a diagnosis. You seem quite similar to me, and I was diagnosed, and it's helped put a lot of things in better perspective. I still have times where I think, am I just a nerd -- but the way the world sees it, it's classified autism.

I think what you're going through is absolutely normal. I certainly went through it. It ate away at me and took over my life, and I couldn't talk about it with anyone because I didn't want to sound dramatic saying "I think I'm autistic" when I might actually not have been. That's exactly why I went to get a diagnosis. I needed that answer, because the constant "what if?" was an obsession. And because I was becoming increasingly aware of how what I now understood to be my autistic traits might negatively affect my future.

And, as it turns out, my autism was far more obvious than I had ever believed it could be. I thought I hid it well, but I didn't.

And now, it's a different sort of all-encompassing. You don't just get the diagnosis and forget. It won't necessarily all settle down. You'll start to recognise every trait even more, but at least you'll know why they're happening and will have your answer.

When the clinician with 30+ years of experience with autism said "I have no trouble diagnosing you" that was my I am not as mild as I thought moment. My 15 page diagnostic report saying Aspergers of moderate severity was another one.

The was time I figured out pretty much every key turning point in my life was either caused by autism or affected by autism.

Thanks for everyone's thoughts. It's nice to know I'm not alone in this reaction. I very much relate to not wanting to claim I'm on the spectrum when I might not be, both because I don't like saying things that aren't true and because I don't want to trivialize the condition for those that are on it. Feeling like I'm making up or exaggerating my problems has been a recurring source of shame for me at times when I've been pretty miserable in the past due to eating issues and anxiety/stress/etc., and that's coming through now too.

I think I do just want to get evaluated. I guess I just have some shame in even claiming that I think it's *possible* I may be on the spectrum and want to be evaluated. Shame around wanting the label.

When I read those of you talking about realizing your autism was clearer than you thought, my overwhelming reaction is "but what if that's not me?" and it feels scary I guess because the idea of finally having something that explains so much about me is so attractive. But really if it turns out I am not diagnosed, I will find that hard, but I won't actually be in a worse place than I am now.

Thanks so much again everyone (and more comments are of course welcome!)

This is me, exactly, now. More than being worried though I am just simply obsessed. Like you say, it explains so much about my life. I read this forum many times a day. I read articles, watch movies, and then do it again. I am obsessed with other Aspies too. What do we have in common? Would we get along? Could I find a BFF that was an Aspie?! When I think that I should be getting bored with this already, it just keeps going and going like someone I can't control.

I think I ultimately must seek a diagnosis. But I really hate psychologists. I don't trust them and I hate talking with them. So it makes it difficult.

Yeah that would definitely be a barrier. I hope you figure things out!

If it turns out you are not autistic as dissapointing as that will be it is important to remember the search for truth often involves eliminating things that are not true.

i'm in the same boat as original poster...

ummm... tag...

Yes, I'm trying to hold on to that too. I think it's just that going back to "I have a lot of anxiety, particularly around social things" or even if it turns out I have an anxiety disorder, that somehow feels like a less satisfying explanation. It's partly because things I read about being on the spectrum explain a lot of my experiences and behaviors in satisfying ways. If I'm honest I think it's also partly that even though having lots of anxiety is a real problem and can be devastating, has physical causes/substrates, etc.... it still maybe feels to me less like "a thing" that is part of who a person is and is taken seriously. Not sure to what extent that distinction is all in my head and to what extent I'm picking up societal messages about it, and I'm sure people here have plenty of stories about their ASD not being taken seriously, but I think that's part of what makes the idea of having an ASD diagnosis feel different from having anxiety alone.


And welcome to the boat sos72. Hopefully we can eventually climb out of it, but good to have company while here. I've been trying to write down the results of my analyzing. I have a list where on one side I write ways that being on the spectrum seems to "fit" for me, and on the other I write down ways it doesn't fit so much. And in both cases I do a lot of annotating. e.g. "not a lot of severe sensory issues, but there is x, y, & z". I figure since I'm going to obsess about it anyway, I may as well write it down, and it helps me let go of things at least temporarily since I know I've got them recorded.

Question, especially for those diagnosed as adults, what do you feel you got out of being diagnosed?

Background to the question: I think my counselor feels like she created a bit of a monster now that I'm going round and round about this all the time, and she's sort of trying to dissuade me from seeking a diagnosis, or at least wants me to think carefully about why I want it.

For me there's a very visceral "holy s**t you just *maybe* handed me a key to understanding myself, of course I want to know if it's true or not!" It feels like it could be an important piece of who I am, but again one I don't want to claim unless it's true.

So thanks to those who already wrote about what getting diagnosed did for them. I'd love to hear others' thoughts about what getting diagnosed meant to them/how it affected them, good or bad.

It helped give systematic reasons why friendships and employment were so challenging and frustrating despite high academic achievement.

Thanks kdm1984!

I went through the exact same thing as poster. I went to my first assessment appointment on Saturday, I won't be able to let it rest until I know.

I think it would be kind of a relief to have the dx but I don't know yet. I haven't persued it for myself because we are working on getting my daughter's assessment now. She's on a wait list. For her it will hopefully help with college and life in general to have a recognizable word to put to her needs. Make it easier to get accomodations for tests and such.

For me it would give those around me a more recognizable word to cover the things they see as different. Give a reason for my extreem need for a nap if I have gone out around people. Help them understand when I dissappear for a while that I am not trying to leave the friendship, etc. Maybe it would be useful in some work situations. Thankfully at home who I am is embraced but it has taken years to get there. I'm blessed in my marriage.

I wonder how hard it is to get insurance to cover some of the testing as an adult?

Has the original poster persued it further?