Lack of arousal

Post Reply New Topic

I am an AS woman in a relationship with a NT man. I want to have sex but struggle to get aroused and rarely feel desire. I can masturbate by myself but don't usually find it as good as I hoped, I sometimes fall asleep or lose interest - this has been the case since i was a teenager - am now 24.
Whilst being intimate with my partner I feel anxious about not being aroused but struggle to tell him because he gets aroused very easily. I struggle to talk to him about it because I worry he will think I'm not attracted to him. I've read many books about aspergers and sex - none of them seem to address this specific problem, most are about dating problems and or focus on men with aspergers. Can anyone shed some light?

I am a man.

I sense that you feel a "pressure to perform."

Whenever I feel this sort of pressure, I have difficulty getting aroused, too.

It's also possible that you are not sexually aroused by this person. How well do you know this person? Do you have feelings for this person when you're not actually potentially in a sexual situation?

Perhaps you're a "demisexual," who only gets aroused when quite emotionally attached to the person.

Is there anything, besides the conventional things, which you do get aroused by?

I'm thinking maybe you didn't want a response from a man. if so, I'll delete my post.

I was hoping some women might have some experiences of this and possibly solutions, but your response is useful to me too. I have been going out with my partner for nearly 2 years - we are thinking of moving in together. I do feel pressure to perform and get anxious about sex - i had some sex counselling a year ago who said this could be a result of anxiety to perform. However, my counsellor was not knowledgeable about aspergers, so couldn't say how it affects me sexually, and neither of us could find any articles or books which told me anything I didn't already know.

I am 26 years old, female, and have been with my boyfriend for over six years. Throughout that, I have struggled with and mostly overcome severe depression and anxiety. I thought my lack of arousal was due to those factors, but now that I'm doing better, it hasn't improved. My situation is very similar to yours, except I don't even feel the need to masturbate. I've been doing a lot of research lately and had no idea until now how much Aspergers can effect sexual desire and intimacy. I have found a few books I hope will be helpful, once I read them I will let you know if any of them seem useful. I wish you well, and please share any solutions you may find.

I've been doing some research into oestrogen and progesterone imbalances due to menstrual issues and it seems that a lack of libido can be associated with hormonal imbalances.

Are you on the pill? That can be a cause of low libido too.

I'm not an expert, but you may find some useful info if you Google oestrogen and progesterone imbalances.

I am now on a weird diet in the blind hope that I can resolve other issues. I've been reading a lot on these blogs.

https://draxe.com/10-ways-balance-hormones-naturally

https://www.hormonesbalance.com

Sorry the link poster thing isn't working

*disclaimer
Do research. Don't take this at face value.
I've only been on the new diet for 2 weeks and have nothing to report as of yet other than I find I like avocado and boiled egg for breakfast and coconut milk and chicken dishes, and smoked salmon and I am enjoying the diet... apart from the no coffee...

Its actually normal lack of sexual interest just means your probably asexual and it's from what I know pretty common among austistics who tend to be more sexually diverse and if your concerned you can't please your partner sexually consider a open relationship or try to treat yourself how to feign sexual interest I'm the same way I can masturbate but I don't have any sexual attraction towards anyone and I never have

Do you have fantasies? I'm only weakly attracted to men. I depend on my fantasies. We have great sex with me fantasizing away. I don't talk about it. Maybe he's fantasizing, too. I wouldn't know

I mean it depends.
Do you sometimes get aroused and other times you don't? Is it a weak arousal?

If any of the above are the case you might need a different form of stimulation or ways in enhancing whatever already arouses you. You might need a less conventional type of stimulation (I know it may sound strange but you would be surprised how strange people are).

If you generally do not get aroused, even physically, you may want to think about whether or not you're asexual. Some people just have a certain ambivalence towards affection. Try looking at this chart

https://pin.it/yebc4ficvskqrq

You could always get your hormone levels checked. Exercising and cutting back on sugar can also help.

You may have low testosterone levels. In the past, not much focus was placed on testosterone level in women, partially because the assays were not accurate at low concentrations, and partially probably due to historical sexism that lead the medical community to attribute a woman's libido, or lack there of, to psychological reasons. Many doctors today don't think to check testosterone levels or that the assays are still unreliable at the lower concentrations seen in women, but this is not the case, and more doctors are beginning to recognize testosterone as a hormone important to health and wellness in women.

Ask a doctor to check your testosterone levels. If you can find an endocrinologist who specializes in disorders of sex development, or transgendered individuals, they would likely be experienced in these matters. Additionally, an OB/GYN or OB/GYN nurse practitioner who does hormone therapy may also be knowledgeable on this matter. There are different types of testosterone tests. Free testosterone, bioavailable testosterone, and total testosterone, and one of the specialists I mentioned above will have a better idea of understanding which tests to order and how to interpret them than a GP. If your testosterone levels are low, you can correct them with testosterone gel or cream, which is by prescription in the U.S.

She could be. But notice how asexuality is more common in females?

I had exactly the same problem when I was still with my last ex, which feels like a million years ago now. He and I had a good rapport going, though he was a textbook NT and a supremely popular 'people-person' as well, basically the polar opposite to me but that's what has always attracted me to others.
Our sex life however existed as this dead zone that both of us tiptoed around. It's oddly comical for me to muse upon now, though it was hatefully painful at the time. We were together for 2 years and only had sex once, which was when I incidentally lost my virginity. It was horrible and I wasn't aroused, though he made all the effort and was a gentleman. It wasn't his fault, but eventually my nerves and lack of response killed his libido, too. Hence, the dead zone. It felt like too much, too everything, but while my brain was going haywire, my physical responses were barely there, damnit.
Hahaha, but in the end we broke up anyway, when I exploded in his face and had an epic meltdown due to the fact my parents were acting up and threatening to throw me out. I also learned within the long years after that I am for the most parts sexually fluid: this adds an interesting extra problem to the idea of a link between women with ASD and problems of being aroused, but that's irrelevant.
With the threat of all that stimuli, and an ultimate closeness to another human being, sex does seem kind of scary.
My ex is better off without me in my opinion, even has a perfectly normal fiance now, but I don't doubt that our 'problem' would have killed our relationship even if I hadn't ended up crushing us for other, unfortunate reasons. This problem is in my opinion, a relationship-killer and therefore has to be tackled at some point... it really does. Never let anyone downplay it.
Looking back, if I had another chance to tackle my own experience of it, I'd go for a totally-no-secrets approach and tell the other side about my reluctance/lack of feeling/fear of having sex. They need to know. If they care, surely in time two people can work towards the ultimate goal of being comfortable with each other in every situation.

I struggle with this as well, I am almost never naturally aroused and when I am it's generally when I am ovulating.

The pill absolutely kills sexual arousal. You may want to consider alternative contraception if you’re on it. It’s possible you just have a low sex drive. I find sex pointless as I don’t get aroused by other people at all due to inability to relax around them, and a general dislike of sweat and germs. It’s also possible that I have never been with anyone compatible. I don’t think you can force it. How much do you like this guy? Is it worth dating someone so sexually different?

It might be a nicer relationship with someone with a lower sex drive. There are guys out there like that.

Date a autistic , there must be some thing sexual or near sexual you can mutually agree with / find pleasurable , anything ! You can speak with us without fear or favour !