Aspie Women, Do you prefer AS/AS or AS/NT for yourself?

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I always get attracted to nerdy guys. When I was a little girl, I had crushes on Clark Kent and Bruce Wayne, from the comics. While I can also feel attracted to NT guys, I have dated and been hurt by them many times. I just couldn't tell when they were deceiving me or being unfair, until too late. I am currently fighting not getting attracted to an aspie guy that I've gotten to know in a support group, just because he is an aspie. I think we both deserve better than that.

I will say AS/NT because my husband is NT. However, I don't think I would consciously pick someone for that particular trait, other things are more important. Also, I've never met in real life someone who identified him/herself to me as AS (although have suspected some), and am not someone who goes from person to person so I haven't really seen that option. Yes, there is a benefit to the understanding of what I am going through and I would dearly like to have some AS friends. But there are some serious benefits to the fact that my husband isn't.

For one thing, he is very good in social situations and very charismatic. People like him and get along with him immediately, he grasps things and understand their motivations in a way that seems like magic to me. He can handle dealing with difficult people in scenarios which would cause me enormous amounts of anxiety, and he seems to understand why people do what they do and can explain it to me. He sometimes tries to advise me when I despair about people, but although the advice doesn't usually work, he is able to pull me back when I get too invested in things like overanalyzing why someone did what they did, or giving friends too much honest advice.

Also, he tolerates my "crazy" behavior at times, emotional meltdowns, inexplicable/eccentric (to him) behavior etc in a way that honestly nobody should have to go through, and still loves me through it. I will also note here that I am not diagnosed with AS, although I am pretty sure I have it, but that neither he or my family will even consider this possibility (their most common response is something like: "You aren't like everybody else, but that makes you unique, and there's nothing "wrong" with you. If you had Asperger's you wouldn't be able to [insert something that classic autistic children have difficulty with]").

Although he is very social, he (like me, but less so) gets tired by too much social interaction and understands the need for alone time, and does not expect me to do these interactions myself. I definitely fall into the caretaker role but I like keeping the house organized (and honestly, when he does help out with housework, although I appreciate the gesture, it kind of bothers me because he doesn't do it the "right" way). On the negative side he is somewhat demanding of attention when we are both working on something in the same room, for instance, but I find that if I just sit next to him or touching him this is enough to make him feel that I'm focused on him. I tend to get needy at times as well so this evens out in the end and I don't mind too much. Another negative is that I totally don't understand why he does the things he does sometimes, but since this is the case with practically everyone I know, I am not so sure this would be different with an AS guy.

I don't know. I've been married to an NT and married to an AS (currently). I left my NT ex because I felt he was suffocating me, demanding too much of me emotionally and physically, and he absolutely did not understand my focuses on my special interests. The latter often left him feeling jealous and irritable, and I was often accused of affairs on the internet (for spending hours upon hours programming HTML and building websites) which pissed me off to no end because it wasn't true and I hate when people don't have their facts correct. Our marriage lasted 4 years, 9 months. I had decided one year prior to leaving that I wanted to leave, but because I had made a commitment, I gave myself a one year timeframe to see where things stood by the following year, to make sure the relationship really needed scrapped. Turns out it did.

I have been married to my AS husband for 6 years. Our connection was instant and deep. It has remained like nothing I've ever felt. The worst things are the difficulty communicating when we argue and sometimes I (who always felt suffocated by affection from others) feel a bit neglected or alone. An Asperger marriage was described in an article I read as "two insulated wires, wrapped together but never touching". I don't know if it's that bad, but I definitely got the metaphor. I don't feel compelled to run like I have from every other man I've ever met. I want to be here. I sometimes just wish it were a bit easier to communicate, and at times I long for just a bit more affection.

I suppose based on this I have to say I prefer AS/AS for myself. At times I do miss the dynamics of the AS/NT relationship, but honestly...the drama isn't really worth it for me in the long run.

I'd love to know an AS lady, I've never knowingly met one but I think I'd be much better suited, both relationships I've had with NT's I've come out of very hurt, the last one psychologically abused me. A team mate who's honest, trustworthy, that I have fun with and who has fun with me is what I want, which doesn't seem to be NT!! ! :S

Both have pluses, both have draw backs.

Typically I think it'd be better for me to have someone that can do the things I struggle with or can't at all. I suspect an NT would be most likely to fit that but there's a wondering of just how much an NT can understand me. The one boyfriend I had that was also an Aspie is the one I felt most comfortable with and connected to. I suspect the AS may have had some weight in that. But there were other problems us both having AS and other disorders presented.

So it really has to be about the person not whether they are NT or ND.

Not that much of this matters, if someone expressed interest in me I'm not sure I'd believe them...or I'd possibly run in fear.

I find myself more comfortable with autistic guys in general, they make more sense to me and are more fun to be around most of the time.

Almost all of my crushes have been NT guys. The one exception actually felt the same way towards me at some point...

I think I prefer to look at the whole person first, that can take a while, who they are, or what they are/aren't diagnosed with is like an add on.

Mine is NT, but he's very relatable to me. We're both systematic, quiet, imaginative, live simple everyday lives, put few demands on each other, greatly enjoy physical affection, have both our own interests and can also share things with each other. In so many ways, we're like two peas in a pod. He's obviously more socially adept than I am, though, especially with humor and reading and responding appropriately to other people's cues. He's also much calmer than me (no outward anger/meltdowns), though we both struggle with depression/brooding over the state of humanity. So he helps soothe me a lot when I'm overwhelmed by, frustrated by, upset over, or agitated by something. Through faith, and my interactions with him, I'm getting much better at handling conflicts, crisis situations, and unexpected situations.

At any rate, I've always been attracted to guys who are systematic, handsome, quiet or else otherwise somewhat restrained, not loud and impulsive and excessively spontaneous (needs a degree of thoughtfulness/introspection), low to more moderate extroversion.

My partner is AS and we've been together since before either of us knew that we're AS.
I remember in the beginning we were both blown away by how easy it was to be around each other and we strongly bonded over the fact that we both get VERY obsessed with things, to the extent that normal people simply couldn't understand. I love how similar we are and how easy it is for us to understand one another.

I've been in relationships with NT men before, but those relationships weren't nearly as great, though I don't know if that's due to them being NT.
My current partner and I can talk for hours and hours about something (we even argue for hours about intellectual things - one time we argued for 2 hours about something that happened in Dexter and whether or not it was a certain character's fault), whilst my NT boyfriends were more interested in activities that didn't involve talking.

So yeah, I'm inclined to answer: AS/AS

I'm in an AS/AS marriage, and it seems to me like there's both costs and benefits to that...
Positively: We tend to communicate very effectively: neither of us is using social nuances that the other doesn't catch, we're both on the literal side, and only the most OBVIOUS sarcasm ever occurs. We're both able to easily grasp when the other person seems overwhelmed by a social situation, and we're able to vent to each other about social concepts we just. don't. get. Neither of us is great at "traditional" romance, which works out fine since it's a mutual thing. And our dinnertime conversations sound like something out of the Big Bang Theory (but without all the sexism), which suits us both just fine.
On a more negative side, I've noticed that my husband has felt less pressure to learn to mask his autism (it's fairly normal for women to camouflage more than men), and that leads to some tension: I get particularly anxious when we're in a situation that I think calls for masking and he's not doing it. And we have moments where meeting the emotional need of one partner requires explicitly informing the other of what the need is and what is needed to meet it, which can feel a little disruptive when already in the middle of emotional turmoil.
Overall, though, I'd say the benefit outweighs the detriment. While I've never had the experience, being married to an NT sounds like it'd be exhausting.

I enjoyed dating two NT guys and seeing the world through the eyes of NTs. I felt desirable and comfortable with them and they didn't ever judge me.

But they never said what they meant when it came to ending the relationship. It was so frustrating to see them just never directly answer my questions or just ghost me until they were gone.

The AS guys I know tend to take less care in their physical appearance and be kind of whiny. My first love was NT but with several AS traits. Didn't stop the verbal tap-dancing he'd do...

I still would be willing to date NT guys, but I'll specify in future relationships that I expect direct communication, including during break ups. Also, there are red flags. If he gets way too into the relationship early on, tries to pressure you into things you don't want to do, won't introduce you to his friends, or has a bunch of "crazy exes"... that's a really bad sign.