Is anyone else here terrified of other women?

Post Reply New Topic

Yes! I'm almost 60 and still terrified but only of NT women. I know almost instantly when another woman is on the spectrum. I don't know how but I just do. I'm fine with aspie women.

This is going to sound like stereotyping, because it is, but look for women with typically "masculine" majors or careers - engineering, math, etc. They are more likely to be used to socializing with men, and a higher proportion of aspies, so even if they themselves are NT, they are more likely to "get" you. I think I saw you are 21 years old, which is why I mentioned majors.

A couple other general tips that I learned in college:

1. Saying "I feel like maybe..." instead of "I think that..." comes across a LOT better to most NT ladies. Example: "I feel like maybe you're mad at me" instead of "I think that you are mad at me."

2. Telling people you expect to have an ongoing relationship with (roommates, for example) a couple things you know you struggle with can help. Like "I don't always pick up on nonverbal cues like when you want privacy. Please feel free to just tell me if I'm not getting it. I won't be offended." You don't necessarily have to tell them you have autism.

3. If someone is mean to you and you weren't mean to them first, they aren't someone you wanted to cultivate a relationship with anyway. Same if they are polite, but always kinda distant. Not everyone is nice, and not everyone is a good fit as friends even if they ARE nice.

4. Be quick to apologize if you think you may have angered someone. They may tell you why, which is a learning opportunity. And stuff like that even happens between two NTs...I had one roommate who 100% had NO IDEA it would make our 3rd roommate angry if she borrowed her clothes without asking each time. She'd grown up borrowing her sister's stuff all the time and didn't understand that boundary. She was confused until it was explained to her...and then she quit borrowing stuff without asking, and they were friends.

In my case both women and men scare me. It’s humanity in general.

I haven’t been around others for quite some time now bar a few minor interactions with shop staff and taxi drivers when I do my weekly shop. One of the reasons why I don’t mind wearing a mask is because people can’t see my facial expression, and therefore can’t be angry with me for looking at them in the “right” way.

When I was much younger I would seek out the company of other (older) women because I felt safer with them. They were usually pleasant to me and would often try to take me under their wing. My female peers hated me though so I avoided them for my own sanity. The random bitchy comments, ostracism and bullying was too much to bear. They also seemed very keen to let me know how great they thought they were, and would tell me how many boys/men fancied them and how beautiful and sexy their boyfriends thought they were. I was always shy around men and it amused them so they’d tell me how good they were in bed! Pathetic behaviour really.

There are two reasons why women say things like that and the first one is because they may see you as a threat, and the second one being that they think you’re beneath them and they want to put you in your place.

Women communicate in complex ways and it can be challenging to decipher what they really mean. This can cause problems when you are more straightforward and honest - they can’t handle it and will retaliate. Female bonding tends to be based on emotional and personal disclosure, which to me can be invasive. It’s hard to know what to say and when - how do you know when to trust that person? Your private information could be used against you at some point.

I also hate the incessant questioning that many women are so fond of. I know that people do ask questions when they’re getting to know you but it can sometimes overlap into more personal territory. I need to have an extremely strong connection to someone before I open up in that way and hate to be made to feel bad because I’m too “secretive”. I just have strong boundaries. Where I live both women and men over disclose and get close too fast and that’s unhealthy and leads to conflict.

Men can be hard to deal with too and they don’t really know how to react to me for some reason. I look feminine but my mannerisms are more neutral and that puzzles them. There are times when I’ve been shouted at or chastised by men because I’m not presenting myself in a way that’s familiar or attractive to them. Women who are animated and receptive fare better with men.

During pretty much my entire adult life, I've never really tried to be friends with socially mainstream people, men or women. I've always sought out fellow oddballs of one kind or another, both men and women.

These days I do make a point of saying hello to neighbors, but I don't expect or want it to go beyond brief small talk, just enough so I won't be seen as a completely aloof stranger.

I've sought friends only amongst people who shared particular common interests. My friends have included both women and men. Within the oddball subcultures I hung out in, both the women and the men had a wide variety of personalities, so I wouldn't want to generalize much about either gender.

That's really interesting that some of you here have similar fears. My first real prolonged exposure to women close to my age was in ABA therapy, and most of them were this catty type who can't be trusted, and are incredibly selfish. Oddly enough, all of these women looked similar, so usually personality and ethnicity presentation play a role in how scared of a woman I am. I also was emotionally and sexually abused by several housemates during my time in a residential school, all female. The emotionally manipulative types that are the embodiment of toxic femininity scare me the most.

The only woman I'm terrified of is my mom. She's so NT she's completely the opposite of me. She also has BPD and total disregard of my feelings. Sometimes I feel even death doesn't scare me as much as talking to my mom does. I feel like a fearless warrior every time I pick up the phone to call her. There are other difficult people in my life, but I tolerate them pretty well. I just need to compared them to mom and then everyone is a piece of cake.

I do feel a little lonely sometimes that I don't have a close female friend or relative in my life. So wish I have a sister. But I have a brother and we don't share much in common, so maybe a sister wouldn't be any better anyway.

Mostly, I am not exactly terrified of them, but girls my age tend to be non-accepting and even cruel. During my school years, I have been ridiculed and even harassed by other girls, while boys mostly had pitty for me. Engineering school where girls are a minority has been salvation for me. However, older women often seem to like me and threat me in a mother-like way, so I don't have a problem with them.

I'm not afraid of women, but as most of you I had many bad experiences. Mainly under 20.

But I'm a programmer and mostly surrounded by men in adult life. Female coworkers are mostly masculine in behavior and looks, it's easier to get along with them. But I often keep the distance, they are moody sometimes.

Someone recommended you to find older and scientific women. I agree, they are more practical and less into drama, manipulation and tricky hints. Of course sometimes they are, but it's much less frequent as with non-scientific women - at least based on my observations.

I think it is cruel that other females are mocking you. It says more about them than you.

I'm not terrified of other women as such but I do often get along better with males, I'm not sure why, I just find them easier to talk to, girls...at least the ones I know are more gossipy and I hate gossip, obviously leaning towards negative gossip.

Here's to hoping you make nicer connections with females.

I found an ASD-like BFF in my 20s. I avoided NT women until my 40s. In my 40s I started to make female friends through shared circumstances or mutual male friend/husband. All are neurodiverse in some way, although not ASD. My BFF went to all-girl schools, so had three good friends (again, all social outcasts) and in her 40s developed women friends at work. So in the 40s, we both have NT female friends ---- did we change or did the NT women change? (Both )

If I am in an environment where women are outnumbered by men, I feel threatened if there is another woman who appears more attractive than me (bigger breasts, loud and chatty, wears make up, etc). They seem to take up all the attention and I feel left out.

At work I'm the only woman among a bunch of guys, but someone is going to retire next month so they're obviously going to hire someone to replace him, and I keep stressing about who they're going to hire. As the only woman, I am quite popular, something I have never really experienced before, and I love the attention. But I know that if they hire a girl who appears prettier than me it will take away my popularity. We've had a young girl work with us before (thankfully she left), and she was one of those people who constantly seeked attention and she got invited out with the guys as a group outside of work, completely making me feel left out.
I still don't get invited out with them but it doesn't bother me now, it only bothered me when she was working there because I had to hear about their fun outings they had. It was almost like she was boasting or even gloating, like "ha, they all love me!"

Yes. NT women tend to treat me like I’m stupid. In the past I have been ganged up on and lectured by them after saying or doing the wrong thing.

I deal with them by always trying my best to be super polite and quickly apologizing when they get upset with me. NT women are like wasps. You must be careful around them or they will gang up on you and attack. I avoid groups of people when I can.

When it comes to neurotypical women, I don't understand them at all. 90% of my friends have been boys, because I simply do not understand how other women communicate and also I am not very touchy, don't have traditionally feminine behaviors, and don't socialize in the way they expect me to.