Worries about motherhood with ASD
One is enough for me. I have two though, but due to having mental health problems when my son was little he now lives with my parents until he's 18 then he can decide.
My daughter is 8 and is a cross between my sister and my ex. She seriously got nothing from me so it can be tough at times. Plus I'm having issues with the Local authority not wanting to place her in an autistic school but she's hitting the other pupils as mainstream can't cope. It's made me feel like an awful mum today sending her to get an education.
I broke up with both dad's. My son's dad we get on well and were always meant to be best friends. His ex caused issues in the past to the extent she spread lies about me and stopped him and my son seeing his parents/grandparents. But she's gone and everything is fine again. My daughter's dad.... that's another story. He kept messing her around, putting scouts before his daughter and kept changing weekends. So in October 2019 was the last time he saw her. It's tough doing everything by yourself but you do get on with it. My daughter is honestly my best friend even if we drive each other crazy
Don't be worried about becoming a mother... I am a woman with autism, and I had my first and only child at 29, before I was diagnosed. I knew that I had a lot of love to give, and even though I didn't really know "how" to be a parent, I read A LOT of books on the topic, from pregnancy, raising toddlers, and then raising children in the teen years. As far as being worried about finding a partner, just let that evolve naturally, love happens in the most mundane places. I find spending time with children is much more enjoyable than spending time with adults, and I really enjoyed taking care of my son. Yes, it is rough at first with the lack of sleep, but that doesn't last very long... at most, a year, probably only a few months. I loved raising my son, I played with him, read to him and spoke with him and took him to bookstores and zoos and museums and out to lunch and it was the best time of my life. My son is older now, and I miss those early years very much... Good luck to you and don't let self-doubt and negativity get you down, and yes I know it is easier said than done, but I am middle-aged now, so I understand a thing or now. Take care!! !
lostonearth35
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Joined: 5 Jan 2010
Age: 50
Gender: Female
Posts: 12,536
Location: Lost on Earth, waddya think?
I'm amazed that anyone with ASD can have and raise kids. I'm also amazed that anyone NT can have them as well, but when you have sensory issues and a profound need for privacy how can can you even stand the constant invasion that kids will naturally bring? Also the world is such a horrific mess that bringing more children into a hugely overpopulated world is *probably* not a good idea.
I'm a new mom with a 3 month old; it is... interesting.
I am lucky to have a fairly engaged, neurotypical partner. I can generally tell him when I'm overstimulated and he checks in so I can check out. Sleep deprivation is tough; I tried breastfeeding, then pumping, but I was hitting "empty" on my sensory tank quickly because I was just so tired from getting up to feed/pump all the time. So we're doing formula now. Kiddo sleeps longer, I don't have to be the one feeding him, win/win. People will judge but... your kid, your call.
I found pregnancy difficult; not sure if that was the ASD or just a difficult pregnancy. Just something to consider as well.
As for social services, etc., I used to work in a child protection type unit. I had the ability to "deprive" children, which is to get the court order to have them put into state custody. We ONLY did that in situations with actual, verifiable abuse or neglect. We had to have the same proof in court as if we were arresting someone. I don't know what the laws are like where you live, but I'd imagine they're pretty consistent across the US. Hope that helps!
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Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit. - Aristotle
I'm lucky to have a loving husband with whom I have great contact and no real financial problems. Otherwise... when my younger child was 3, I lost my mental health and went through a hell of psychiatric misdiagnosis and mistreatment. I was lucky to get out of it but it still can be a struggle to manage myself on functional level.
Sleep deprivation was a great contributor. Now I'm managing it with meds.
One of my daughters is diagnosed ASD, the other is suspected ADHD. Raising them is far from easy, especially with conflicting needs of family members. All the "children at this age should..." advice is super frustrating. How many times had I to defend my children and explain how an autistic mind works to judgemental adults who believed they knew everything... it's a very hard work for someone with communication difficulties - and very frustrating when it's about really meaningless things like combing hair or wearing "not warm enough" coat.
Another problem of being a mother is, you need to literally fight for any time for yourself. After years of it, your brain can become a foam. Self care is really crucial but not easy, at least in my culture.
I think you hit the nail on the head here. These are exactly the fears that I have. It's not that I am afraid I won't be a good mother. I am afraid I will be burnt out and overwhelmed from motherhood because it will ask so much of me. How do you make sure you get enough time for yourself?