Let it Bleed...

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Mistreatment me some more, I like it when you say those fallacious things about me…I’m still that little 15 year old scared 9th grader who was to overweight for her own good, didn’t fit in, and wanted desperately to just evaporate into herself…Throw me overboard, I’m not adequate for this shape...I’m a abnormal freak, I don’t know how to be ‘fashionable’ or ‘cool’…Everything I do isn’t precise, I’m just a f**ked-up, chaos of disorders…I abhor this mood, this fattiness…I need psychotherapy to mend this bleeding gash…I’m falling descending, into revulsion, I’m horror-struck and nauseous from my own lack of restraint towards whatever is ailing me…Be it food, the switchblade, or whatever malady that afflicts me…I’m content to exist this way, within this confine of agony…To contemporaneous with this cruel person, welcome to my skull…I feel like my parents are wanting me to be healed of my ED, SI and Aspergers Syndrome…I’ve been working on the first two and trying to gain some skills for social interaction, sometimes I feel like the words I want to articulate won’t come out, and that bothers me…My counselor tells me that I need to learn how to separate myself from what goes on between others in the family that don’t involve me…They do care for me a great deal, but sometimes I feel like I’m drowning in my own self-revulsion…Its written, “Love a foreigner as yourself…” How can I do this when I can’t even love myself…more like respect myself enough to not pick up that blade and slash my skin open…or not put that cuisine to my portly lips and consume it…In disgust I look at myself, and want to vomit…Plus my parents want to restrain and monster ever penny that leaves my hands…I’ve directly deposited my SSI check onto my debit card, (which by the way isn’t a legit debit card, its ‘pay as you go’) I’m not going to make it become a f*****g check that’s mailed to our house again…Apologetic it doesn’t fit your ideal for what is right for me…f**k this…

hello Hannah Joy Caps,
may you find a little bit of home on WP, may you feel just a bit better for having a place to go where we love you no matter what your particulars are just because you are alive and living.
Fight on for your inner life, dear one. Live your inner life here.

your friend,

Merle

Beautifully stated Merle.

Warmth and love to you Hannah.

It is sad that you were brought up to think that your self-worth depends on how much weigh, it is even sadder that your parents try to change you; I am sure they love you, but by pressuring you to improve socially and change many things about you, they just make you feel inadequate. Just so you know, I've always been skinny and yet I've never been popular. But you know what? I just say f**k them! You should too tell everyone who doesn't like you to go f**k himself. Here, on WP, we accept and love you as you are, and you can be yourself. Don't change. You are beautiful.

Virtual Hugs!

Milla?

Sounds like my ninth grade experience. Hang in there. Your life may be a rollercoaster now, but things will get better. I can attest to it. Take every opportunity you can in life and always try something new. You would not believe what a difference it makes. Your writing skills at fifteen are remarkable. Its possible that you may lose all the weight, just do it at your own pace. I am looking at 31, and my life is better now than when i was at fifteen, overweight and ' the weird girl'. Start out early, to love who you are, and be able to define it yourself. Not what other people want you to be. Fat only cushions the person you are; Fat goes away, and fat comes back, but its the same person underneath.

I’m sitting here in my room away from parents and I feel unstable as if I could be easily broken, shattered beyond words…I’m not quiet sure what to do anymore, or why they relentlessly holler at me…I’m feeling as though I need to do something IE. hack open my skin with the ex-acto blade sitting across the room…I’m to pathetic to even ask for assistance when I need it, this mind is breaking, and somewhere in the middle lies who I truly am…I’m apologetic for all the vocabulary I’ve uttered in misreading error upon blunder until there is nothing that lingers after... in the same way as before, the switchblade shreds my skin to oblivion…They all disappear in the conclusion, covered in this apathy, I pretend to neglect this pain…a small amount comes hemorrhaging through…This thing makes the sound of hilarity when filed spikes seem smoother, these polished tears slash the skin, and bleed clarets that splatter to the floorboards, I’m on my face miserable for you…

have you considered moving away from your parents, since you're 24 and they don't seem to understand you? why are you hurting yourself? there are many people in this world who have hurt you already, don't you think that's enough?

Yes, why are you cutting yourself? You need to figure out what your trigger is ASAP so you can figure out how to stop doing it - find a shrink, or at least a hotline or a trusted friend. For now, you can start by throwing that Xacto knife away - please do it! I cannot stress enough that you need to stop cutting! Here's a link with some advice.

Yes do not cut yourself ever!.
we on WP support u beautiful one.
weighing a certain amount does not make worthy or less worthy of love and respect.

*cuddles for u*

It just gets easier with age sweetheart. Hang in there and try not to cut yourself. Why not try drawing or writing the pain out instead?

Asperger's builds strong people...

Please don' punish yourself! hang in but dont hang out with people who critise. Dont cut, go for a walk breath the fresh air and let the beutiful colours of the world feel you with hope of a better future. Imagion every time you have these thoughts say to yourself, im not buying into these thoughts Im not worthless i deserve happiness. I send prayer your way

Please, please don't do that to yourself. The people who would oppress you are just nasty and mean, give yourself some time to relax. And say "f**k you" to anyone who says those horrible things. Don't hate yourself because you're big, heck, some guys even like larger ladies. Whatever you do, just get ahold of yourself and don't cut yourself. You have a whole life ahead of you yet.