What's it like having kids and AS?

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My husband has been bugging me to have kids for awhile now. I've got alot of reservations about having children, everything from overpopulation concerns to just thinking the entire idea of having a little person growing inside to be kind of gross... not to mention child birth, diapers and having to take care of a kid 24/7. Don't get me wrong i'm sure I could do it but... it's not really something i'm interested in. I don't really like doctors either and I know pregnant woman have alot of doctor's apointments. I've tried bargaining with him but it's not really something he's interested in discussing besides that he wants kids (emphasis on the s). I think I could muster up enough courage to have one if it was planned but... that's about it. Does anyone here have kids? What's it like having kids and Aspergers Syndrom? How did you deal with the whole pregnancy thing and child birth?

It's very tough, especially to begin with when your life is taken over by crying, smelly nappies, little hands and breastfeeding, little or no unbroken sleep, being permanently on-call, responsible for a little creature that could DIE if you're not careful, and looks like it's going to on occasion, ( jaundice first five days; he looked so illll I was overcome with fear at the sight of him ), and all the inner and outer pressure to do the right things, and the awful guilt when realise did something wrong, that will have impacted on someone's entire development, and the interference, well-meaning or not, from total strangers and family, when out with him, ( "he looks as if he needs feeding", "don't respond to him; you'll spoil him", etc ), and the "wound" which takes weeks ( 10 in my case ) to heal and needs dressing most days, and the way he would wake up just as I put him down after a long and leisurely and satisfying feed and he is apparently asleep and I was looking forward to, dieing for, longing for, some time for me, and his waking up turns me into a raging fury yelling and screaming and "gripping"/shaking, and yes, I was violent on occasion, nothing life-threatening, but "not good" at all, and wanted to run away and leave him almost every day for the first two years.

But he's ten years old now, and I don't regret having him. How could I? He is an oddment, ( I mean this affectionately ), PDD/AS, ( and I'm beginning to worry about how his teens and later independence will go ), but he loves me and I love him, more than I have loved anyone in my whole life since my mother, ( and sister and dad perhaps ). I am looking forward to his papa retiring, in 4 years, so that I can leave my son at home and go off alone for longer periods than the "few days once a year" sort of freedom that I have now. We have never got a babysitter so it has had to be either me or his papa. And my social life has died even more than it already had, and I haven't had sex with his papa in almost 8 years, and the two years before that, ( after my son was born ), I didn't really want to anymore anyway so we only did it about 10 times in 24 months. I have had too much on my "plate" to relax enough to want to have sex since my son was born. Just "being a mother" has been so preoccupying, so demanding of my time, energy, attention, coping skills, that I have barely and rarely been able to relax enough to drink or party ( or have sex ), in the last 10 years.

I am beginning to count the time left before I am free again to do other things. But he is lovely. And it has been one hell of an experience. What an adventure; gruelling, terrifying, fascinating, funny, weird, challenging, exciting, wonderful, exhausting, enraging, exasperating, confusing, totally unique.
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Last edited by ouinon on 18 Dec 2009, 5:07 am, edited 1 time in total.

PS. I don't like doctors either, and because I knew I risked being unable to resist the pressures of medical people in white coats to do everything their way if I allowed them near me I did nothing until about 4 weeks before the birth was due, ( calculated from my last period, and when I first started feeling different, which I did very soon ), and then began looking for a midwife who did homebirths. We found one just two weeks before my son was born and she set up the few absolutely necessary tests to do beforehand and taught me how to breathe, but we didn't get as far as the pushing techniques etc before my son began arriving. Homebirth, no painkillers. I did it!! ! And she found us a doctor who thought vaccinations in infancy were a seriously bad idea, so we didn't have any of that stuff to deal with. I think we have been to the doctors for my son about 10 times in total, and two of them were for accidents like falling out of pushchair, ( aged 18 months; I will never forget the sound his head made hitting the concrete; I was sure he would be dead, until he started screaming ). And he homeschools, so far, so we haven't had much to do with the education authorities either until this last year when the controls became more rigorous.

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If I could go back in time, I would not have had children.

Its very hard work and all the work load falls on my shoulders with rarely a break.

things I did not concider before I had kids:

that they would both have ASD, one of them with very challenging behaviour (smashing stuff, biting, hitting, running off)

parents at toddler groups are very cliquey and unfriendly, and its like reliving your school days.

strangers will stop you to comment on your child or on your parenting.

aspie children often dont get on well in school and you have to put them through what you went through. I do not have the social skills to effectively 'fight their corner', though I try too.

kids do not respect you wanting to have any tidiness or special interests.

parents at the school gate are cliquey too.

I have to liase with midwives, health visitors, teachers, social workers, child therapists ect which I find extremely draining and traumatising.

even though I knew it would effect me going out, I did not realise to what extent or how grinding it would get over the years to not even be able to brows a book shop (without the kids being naughty).

People hold my ASD against me and it makes it very hard to make friends with other parents and the social workers find me very strange and difficult (and thus harrass me).

nice things about parenting:

loveing someone

being loved (my older autie does not show signs of love though)

I would say to anyone who had broody feelings, to get a dog (at least first) to see if you like it as it has much the same things going on such as looking after someone, cliquey dog walkers, people stopping you to comment, demands for attention. But with a dog you dont need a babysitter!!

Firstly, I will say that if having children is not something you want, you shouldn't do it. It is a lot of hard work and I think you might resent your husband if the only reason you have a child is for him. My son is three and a half months old and it is getting better, but it is still really draining. I have always liked having a little bit of time to wake up before getting out of bed, but that is not an option with him. A few minutes is a long time to wait for food for a little one and sometimes he'll start crying. The first 2 months were really hard for me, but then he started recognising us, smiling, giggling and looking around curiously at the world. I love just sitting with him, singing to him or taking him around to look at the world. That makes all the hard work worth it.

It is really constant though. You don't get to call in sick if you are feeling unwell or tired. He still needs to be fed, rocked, played with... sometimes he just won't go to sleep and sometimes he gets distressed and I just have to try a bunch of things to calm him down and eventually get him to sleep.. and sometimes nothing works and you just need to wait it out and be with him.

As far as labour goes, well it's painful and long. I was in labour for 30 hours. The first part of it wasn't really so bad though. The pain just gets worse as you get further along. I remember having such a sore back in the last 6 hours that I couldn't even lie on it or walk. I was trying to just rely on gas though... Eventually I gave in and had pethadene and things were more manageable. Actually the bit where you push the baby out is not so bad at all. It's because you are using the contractions and working with them and there is a goal. I can't describe what I felt when they placed my little boy on my chest. He was so small. He just looked up at me... I feel extremely protective of my son. It's like nothing I've ever experienced before and I don't regret having him for a second.

You don't say how old you are, that made a difference for me. No interest AT ALL until I hit my 30s, then the baby craving hit me bad. Problem though, no husband. Finally married at 35 and after a vasectomy reversal, my daughter was born when I was 37.

I would say that this has been the happiest time of my life. Not sure why, but I completely enjoyed everything about being a Mom. She's an Aspie too, and maybe a little BiPolar, so her childhood was challenging. Her being in school was like reliving my childhood, and now that she's dating it's even more deja vu. Not that she wants to hear any of my hard-earned wisdom.

The other problem, now that she is a "grown woman" I can see her writing one of those posts you can read on this forum about being estranged from your mother. They're lovely, you should read them. But then I see glimmers that we will be OK. My Mom and I had a much better relationship after I was on my own, that's for sure.

Someone once said that having a kid is like having your heart walk around outside your body. I find that to be very true. Your heart gets broken over and over, and you fear for it's life a lot, but it's all worth it. YMMV

Besides, how else are you going to get Grandkids?

I have never wanted kids and luckily my aspie husband feels the same way. My body clock is either faulty or was never fitted in the first place.

My husband and I never wanted children. I'm sure it's a great experience for those willing to make the time and 24 hour 7 day a week emotional commitment, but that definitely isn't me.

maybe you can wait little bit since you are fairly young there is plenty of time.
suggest to get pets for 2-3 years as a test drive and to buy some time.


for me it was life changing and almost necessary since my hormones were telling me that i should do it. now i can feel sometimes an oxytocin rush when i look at my son and he is 5 yo.

I've got two dogs. They're about as close to children as I imagine a dog could get (especially considering they're both still fairly young and one of them I got when he was only 3 weeks old which is comparable to caring for a human infant). On occation they've needed a babysitter, or dog sitter rather. If i'm planning on being out of the house for more than 4 hours I either have to make arrangements for them to go with me (always fun considering my beagle gets car sick) or I have to find someone to watch them for me.

Honestly I think I could deal with having one child. Having one child could be a fun adventure, all the joys of having kids with only half or a third of the hassle. Two or three just seems like too much work, besides logistical problems like prolonged periods of diaper changing and the added exspense. My husband's family every now and then pushes the issue of my husband being the "last breeding aged male". Thus supposed hope for carrying on the family name lies in my ability to bare a son (although gender depends on the man's contribution). I think his family is just going to have to take a chill pill on that honestly. I'm putting my foot down on the issue, if I only want one kid and it happens to be female then tough luck. Besides, my husband has two sisters, in this day-in-age there's nothing that says they have to take their future husband's names, then again there's nothing that says any future daughter I might have would have to take her future husband's name either... but that may be a bit of counting chickens before there's even eggs.

Either way, thanks everyone for all your input so far. It's been helpful, even the less shiny bits of info. At the very least if I ever do have a kid i'll know what i'm in for, and luck favors the prepared... or atleast that's what they say.

I help my parents raise my siblings child since 18 months old (will be 7 soon) and I have to say, it's been very challenging and draining. I love this kid more than ANYTHING on this earth, but sometimes it is so draining I have little meltdowns and need to be on my own to recharge my batteries, which isn't always possible. But more than anything, this kid makes life worth it for me. Makes life wonderful and magical through the eyes of a child.

I doubt this would be that draining and stressful if there wasn't two dumba$$ parents involved that cause us constant stress and worry, but that's not the kids fault at all.

I don't really think I want kids of my own..sometimes I get that "aww" feeling since a friend had a baby recently, but mostly I think I probably should never have children. I am afraid of not being able to deal with everything that goes along with raising a child on my own.

This is one of the things I love about WP -- most NT parents will tell you that raising kids is all sunshine and roses and they never regretted having them for a moment (and if you don't feel the same you must be evil and bad), but here, people are a bit more honest. It you have any reservations at all, I'd say not to. It is much easier to change your mind from no to yes than from yes to no.

I have ALWAYS wanted a child but I don't think anyone is prepared. I'm partly happy that my son has some AS traits (we're having him tested soon) because I can understand that LOL. If I had a completely NT child wanting to socialize all the time with friends, I think I would lose it.

However, just because you're on the spectrum, don't assume your kid, if they are too, will be just like you. I did not have the meltdowns that my son has, and I was not also hyperactive.

I find that I don't have time to unwind, and in the early days when my son was sick, I was at my worst with meltdowns and had to go off by myself just to do some mild SIB to relieve tension. It finally hit me that 2 things were triggering my meltdowns- no time to really finish anything and no real predictability or schedule. It's been better since my hubby realized this and we now have at least a schedule of who's responsible for what and also when we are BOTH given time to ourselves. He still gets more than me but that's just the gender roles. It's not as bad as it was.

Don't feel guilty if you don't feel comfortable having children. it's not for everyone. If you do decide to have one, please consider how you and your husband will share the load before getting pregnant, and decide how you'll handle the new sensory problems and schedule upsets.

Warning!! !
If you're not sure about having children, Don't do it!
Also, if you later want to do it, still consider having a nanny or some kind of help.
You will need it.
I have a 5 month old baby and it's so much work that I don't even have time to eat and my health is suffering.

Aspies don't multitask and as a mom you will need to do that.
I know an aspie woman with five children and she looks so old like in her 50's when she is only
33.

My feelings to have children come and go. My fiance wants children, but he's also said if we just have "fur babies", it's okay with him too.
My main concern is going through a pregnancy... that's really what bothers me the most. I also don't want to have kids, and then wish I didn't.

I was diagnosed with Asperger's at age 21, but my mom has been terrible. I think she has undiagnosed mental disorders but she can be incredibly mean to me, and then really nice to me-the mood swings are crazy!! And then she talks really badly about me!

I thought I'd have 3-4 kids, but I think having 1 would be great.

I'm an aspie and I have 1 kid. It isn't "the most special thing EVAR". It's OK. My kid is funny. But it's also a lot of work.

I never really wanted to make one (I wanted to adopt). For some reason, it was important to my husband to make one. I spent a lot of time thinking about it, what my specific concerns were, and what kinds of things I would need to make it happen. Eventually, with the support of a few key friends, I jumped off that cliff. Aside from having to go off my meds, pregnancy was OK. Yes, there are a bunch of doctor visits in a standard pregnancy, but they are planned out. The actual delivery is its own special form of chaos. I prefer not to think about it too much nowadays. If you and your baby are healthy, I do recommend that you get home as soon as possible. The new baby plus strange place plus strange people tweaked me out pretty badly. I was much more content as soon as I got home.

Children can be messy, loud, busy, and a complete pain. My own, however, is only occasionally those things. For lack of a more elegant way to put it, you train your child to behave in certain ways. Your child also trains you, especially as an infant, to get what they need. Mine figured out pretty quickly that yelling was not required to get things done - a grunt would do. We've always had routines for things. Apparently little kids actually like this sort of thing. Now if I'm distracted for some reason, he reminds me of the missing step.

The other nice thing is that kids aren't born as three-year-olds. You and your child have time to work your way up in activities, noise, etc. The slow transition was good for me.