grr men

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my b/f read my facebook page . im so angry. he knew i had a private one just for getting my thoughts out . he wanted to join it . i said no. so he hacked and read it anyways . hes a computer expert and can do anything with one . i dont know anything apart from turning them on.

he has totally gone against my wishes , he knew i didnt want him on there but he went and read anyway. that is so disrespectfull and i feel betrayed. its no different than if he had gone and read my diary.

part of me wants to dump him but then another part ( bigger) wants to teach him a lesson on what its like to have your privacy breached .

i feel awefull i am so enraged and there is nothing i can do to change that because everything he has is so secret and protected hes never going to have his privacy invaded because i think he thinks if its not protected he is entiteled to look at it .

i am so angry i feel sick.

That's very creepy and disturbing behaviour and shows an outright disrespect for you as a person. This isn't about 'men' in general; my own bf would never pry into my private things (he doesn't even go on WP) and would hit the roof if I ever did the same. That doesn't mean I can't ask about anything, but going behind someone's back? Hell no, no matter how burning the curiosity.

You specifically told him you didn't want him to go there; you even blocked a friend request, and now he does this! His excuse that he felt is allowed look 'just because he can' is utter b*****. This is the defence that people like Gary McKinnon are trying to use in the 'aspergers' defence to get out of jail. It won't work for them, and it certainly shouldn't for your boyfriend.

I mean seriously, 'I'm allowed look if it's not protected'? It's like rapists defending their crimes because the victim was skimpily dressed, or a burglar saying that because the lock was weak, that makes it ok. It's not like you can even decide the security on facebook, except for 'privacy settings'.

You feel hurt and betrayed and I don't blame you. I don't know anything more about your relationship, but this incident alone is a HUGE warning sign that he will walk over anyone he likes to gratify his own feelings and urges.

He has betrayed your trust absolutely; he may as well have cheated on you or stolen from you. I would dump his ass completely, never contact him again and change the passwords on all your stuff.

By the way, I think you should report him to facebook and explain the situation. I think they may take a pretty dim view on hackers over there. You also have the option of going to the police and getting a restraining order.

Last edited by Lene on 29 Mar 2010, 6:52 am, edited 1 time in total.

thanks lene

he said its not hacking he just pressed buttons in a certain order. thats his defence ha. in my book hacking is anything that enables you to get access into something which you had been denied access via legitimate entrances ?

thanks for understanding everyone is gonna think im making such a big deal out of this but i really am so upset.

He sounds like a little kid who got caught with his hand in a cookie jar .

Actually, I don't think people will think you're making a big deal out of it at all. I mean, what if he decided to 'press some buttons' to access your bank account in the future? You can't go your whole life protecting your stuff from both the outside world and the person whom you're supposed to trust more than anyone else.

It would be slightly different if you were married with kids for 20 years, just because it would be out of character and possibly a once-off, but in a boyfriend, this is a sign that you should quit before things get messy.

i think your right lene but then what will he do ?

ive copied and pasted your previous response into an email , sent it to myself so later when hes rifling thru my emails , which im sure he has been doing he can see for himself that what hes done is wrong and im not just makeing a fuss over nothing.

er, to be honest, I'd prefer if you didn't post my reply on any accounts. By all means quote bits of what I wrote, and feel free to rephrase things, but I'd rather not open myself to being hacked in retaliation if that's all the same with you. If you wait a while, you'll probably get a few more responses here and people will give you a more varied and in depth perspective to back up what you feel.

It's honestly up to you to decide if his other qualities make him worth putting up with, because the saying 'leopards don't change their spots' unfortunately has a lot of truth in it.

Best of luck whatever decision you decide to make

Last edited by Lene on 29 Mar 2010, 7:17 am, edited 1 time in total.

dont worry it was just the lines u used lene in my own email account nothing to trace it to here or u .

Thanks

i rember back when the internet started , it was all about freedom of speach and freedom of information , it was great . now it feels like the opposite , the anonymity doesnt work for the regular good people it works for the enemy , so often i get so close to just binning my computer , thats why i dumped my original facebook account because i didnt like that paeople could read conversations i had had with my freinds. but its like that now all over the net , you cant chat anywhere anymore cos sados *might* ( tho godknows why) want to read your stuff and use it against u. i always said that most suicides are money related , now i reckon second to that are internet related suicides.

yesterday i felt good and today i feel awefull .

What he did was wrong, but please drop the sexism. Not all men are like that.

Do both: dump him AND get revenge.

I once had a boyfriend who said i didn't trust him unless I gave him my password for Hotmail/MSN, so I gave it him, and guess what? He CHANGED the password, told me someone had hacked in and told him they were someone I was cheating on him with, AND emailed all the male-sounding contacts with "who are you and why are you on my contact list?"

I found this out because the dumb-ass used one of my old passwords as a replacement. I rang him at work and told him I managed to get back on, and "wtf", basically. He denied and denied, and got quite irate - "I can't believe you'd think I'd do such a thing.. why don't you trust me" - and rang me later on to ask me if I believed him. I gave up, and said I did (even though I didn't, but as I was living with him at the time and felt trapped in the relationship, it was the easiest option), and the tosser admitted it! So he tested my loyalty, wanted me to believe his lies, and humiliate me by telling me I'd done that. God I wish I'd smacked him when I had the chance.

If he can do this to you, and you let him get away with it, BE SURE that he will do it again, and possibly more.

He did a lot more privacy invasion, but I thought this anecdote was topic-appropriate.

i want revenge first grr he just called i hung up

just get out of that relationship. quickly.



also: it's more likely he just stole your password or guessed. it's not hard at all to see what keys someone's hitting for their password if you're sitting near them and if your password is something he would recognize that makes it even easier.


anyone that would steal your password to look through your private stuff is probably snooping through all your stuff if you leave him alone around it too.


devil's advocate: a private facebook that he's not allowed to look at is a jar marked "cookies" just out of reach. depending on how secure/insecure he felt in the relationship, it might also seem like a jar marked "iamcheatingonyou chip cookies."

still though, breaking into what you're using as your private journal is bogus sauce.






and change all your passwords when you break up with him. seriously. try sticking some numbers and symbols in too. "password" can easily become "P4s5w0Rd" which is nowhere near as easy to guess or even see you type.

I agree with the others, dump his ass. You said no and he ignored you. I would feel that this would indicate a large lack of respect on his part. He invaded your private space and is trying to say it is on some level ok, dump his ass.

As others have said, change your passwords. Things that he wouldn't guess. Perhaps passwords based on things that you like but never talk about with anyone, mixed with numbers and symbols. Then you can remember them easier and he'll have a harder time of breaking the passwords.

On a final note, please remember that your (hopefully now) ex is nasty but that not all men are. I've met some really nice ones, as well as some that weren't so nice and some who were inbetween.

Agree with the chorus. This is not a gender issue, its about trust and respect. He does not trust you nor respect your privacy, and I cannot stress this enough - someone who betrays you like that once, will never trust or respect you and will betray you over and over again. Breaking into someone else's private space to rummage around in their personal things is a violation akin to rape and should never be tolerated. Get out now and don't look back. The longer you wait the harder it will be to disentangle yourself from the other person.

Dump him and refuse to contact him ever again. Don't be scared to go to the police if he won't stay away.