And is there any point ever having children?

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I feel confused and conflicted about the possibility of having children. There are various reasons for this.

On the one hand, I do have the maternal instinct that means I feel a little rush of happiness when I see a baby, and a strong desire to look after it. I imagine having a baby, and holding it for the first time, and I feel moved almost to tears. The idea seems, in a way that I can't quite verbalise, to mean a lot to me.

On the other hand, I am worried that the child would be autistic like I am. I don't mean to suggest that autism is some sort of horrible disability that should be weeded out, but I have been quite unhappy and confused so far in life, and I am not a successful person currently (I'm on disability benefits) and I would hate to think that I might create a person who would be isolated and unhappy, perhaps doomed to poverty, just because I was selfish and wanted a baby.

I also worry that I would be a bad parent. Having observed the numerous parental shortcomings of my own father who I suspect to have an Autistic Spectrum Disorder (namely a horrible temper, violence, and a desire to control me by intimidation), I am concerned that I would lose my temper with my child, and that consequently they wouldn't like or trust me. I can have an extremely bad temper myself - I hate myself for it - and it is heartbreaking to me to think that I might put a child through anything like my childhood, during which I was really very unhappy. Of course, I have always said to myself that when I have children, I will never hit them or frighten them, but I worry that these things are easier said than done, and that I would lose control of myself, like my father seemed to do. That would be unforgivable - after all, I resent my father for treating me like that - and I would rather not have a child at all than face the guilt of making him/her miserable.

The thought of actually being pregnant and giving birth to a baby really frightens me, too . . . I am a very squeamish, nervous person, and I can't even read about having an IUD fitted without getting all faint and nauseous. If I became pregnant by accident, then I would have no choice, because I could not face having an abortion and knowing that I had ended the life of a foetus who would have become an actual person - my child. I would drive myself mad wondering what he/she would have looked like, or what they would have been like had I let them live. I couldn't stand that.

There is also the relentlessly logical, practical part of me that says it would be selfish and pointless to have children, because there are far too many people as it is.

Not that I am in a position to have a baby anyway . . . as I said, I am on benefits and couldn't support a child at the moment. But it is something I often think about. I find myself looking wistfully at other people's babies, and I feel a faint pang of love and sorrow, for the baby that I think I want, but know I might never have. Does anyone else feel like this?

eh, occasionally I've wondered if it's something I 'should' do, after all, that's what responsible grownups do? Get married and have kids? But, since I have 0 prospects for even an f-buddy (let alone a mate), it's all quite moot.

I'm thinking outside the box now though. I can't handle the responsibility, and trying to raise a kid on disability income...not good.

Your age is listed as 24 -- that is still fairly young, especially for an Aspie. You may find some of the difficulties that worry you now will ease up as you get older.

I hear you on the squeamishness. My biggest fear was having a c-section, which I thought would be the worst thing I could ever happen to me. As it turned out, I had to have one, and by that point all I wanted was to get that !@#$#$! thing out of me already. It was all very unreal, which kind of helped. Not sure what I'm trying to say exactly, except that when you're actually in labor, your feelings and priorities can be very different from what you're like in your normal frame of mind. It's like being on a rollercoaster with no way off -- you just have to deal, somehow.

It's good to toughen up a bit -- and this might also come with age -- before you have kids, because you have to be brave for them. The other day I slipped and fell down and my little boy just FREAKED. I had to put aside everything I was feeling to comfort him and tell him it was okay. And you have to help your kids through their own scary times, like getting shots, etc. Which can be especially hard if they are also autistic.

Is that a Smiths lyric?

I sometimes get the broody feelings. I don't think I'll ever have a child though.

One of the very very few things that I knew with unshakable certainty was that I DID NOT WANT children. Having said that, a couple of suggestions...

If at all possible, perhaps you could volunteer at a hospital that will allow you to work with newborns? I'm familiar with stories that pre-natal babies need touch to help them get stronger; something to look into maybe?

Another possibility is volunteering with an elementary school and/or public library childrens department and working with kindergarten children to find out your tolerance of the screeching and other assorted noises very young children make.

Good luck!

I'd love to pass my autistic genes to my offspring. Have little Micks and Rays of all genders running around my apartment.

I'm only eighteen, and am probably in no position to be giving advice on this subject, but I think I understand your perspective.

Frankly, I'm pleased by how logical you've thought out what it means to have a child. Since most pregnancies are accidental, (66% last time I checked), the parents are generally ill-prepared for the arrival of a baby. Teenagers, a group of which I am a member of and therefore can diss to my heart's content, make up a large chunk of said "surprises". While I know one girl who had a baby while still in high school, and has since then cleaned up her act, (she was into the whole party-scene that I find confusing and repulsive), she seems to be the minority when it comes to teenage moms. Most end up quitting school and end up on welfare since the dads are rarely willing or able to support a baby. Despite this, it is completely possible to raise a child while on disability and not have them turn into a car-jacking hooligan or whatever society thinks they become.

My mother spent most of her life on disability. She had chronic back pain. Not the pain you get from pulling a muscle or something. I mean the pain you get when two of the discs in your spinal cord collapse, you go through a twenty hour surgery to keep from becoming paralyzed, and you end up on bed-rest for three months. This, of course, meant that she was in no condition to work while my brother and I were growing up. The smartest thing she did was giving up smoking. Because of this, she had more money to spend on decent second-hand clothing, (she was a genius when it came to finding nice outfits and good shoes). We never went hungry and we always had everything we needed to be happy and healthy. Drugs and alcohol are the biggest reasons that "welfare kids" like me end up looking like "orphans" as my mother so eloquently put it. Budgetting is crucial when it comes to raising kids, which is why I get so worked up when I see how much money people waste, not only on cigarettes or beer, but also on expensive clothes and jewelery.

You also mentioned about how your father's violent behaviour affected you, and your concerns about your own temperment. I'd like to tell you that it won't matter and you can be the perfect mother, but that would be lying. How we were raised affects us forever, although I'm pleased to say that this isn't always the case. 1 in 8 people who were abused as children end up abusing their own children, but it also means that 7 out of 8 don't. I can tell you that your past doesn't have to determine your future. The fact that you actually worry and understand how the circle of abuse could be continued is more than can be said about many other people. Sometimes they're just so hurt by their own abuse that they don't understand what a parent is supposed to do, namely love and care for their children. There are a lot of things you can do about this. There are anger-management programs, parenting classes, support groups for victims of child abuse, psychotherapy, etc.

As for the squeamish thing, I have no idea. I'm fascinated by medical stuff like that, but I think I'd be pretty freaked out about the whole process of pregnancy. The best I can think of is to get the epidural. I hear it works magic.

If you don't feel you're able to care for a child at this time, you could try foster care. You'd probably be offered some training for dealing with children with behaviour problems, (All foster parents should be trained to deal with things like that in my opinion. Children in such situations have been through enough without having to deal with a bunch of people who don't know how to help them). You'd get a wide variety of expirience with children of all ages, and you'd receive extra funding to care for them, so there are fewer worries about how to afford all the things they need. One thing that might be problematic for you is the change of routine. Some children would be with you for only a few hours or days, while others could stay for months or even years. If you're anything like me, you like things to be predictible. It would likely be unsettling not to know how long you could keep a child. Plus, the variety of behaviour issues that children from deprived backgrounds often develop could leave you feeling exhausted and overwhelmed.

Okay, I'm done ranting now. I hope this helps.

Willaful -

It suppose it is perhaps something that I will feel more settled about as I get older. I think a c-section sounds preferable to giving birth normally . . . or do I? I'm not fooling anyone. Both of them seem horrifying. I feel so silly, saying that - because it is, after all, such a natural thing, that millions upon millions of women have experienced. I have been thinking about what you said regarding having to toughen up to support one's own children - and you're right. It would be ridiculous for me to have a child right now anyway, because I am such a mess of worry and uncertainty myself, which would not be good for a child to be around.

Moog -

Yes it is ! I spent my formative years listening obsessively to the Smiths and Morrissey, and now his lyrics jump out of my subconscious and present themselves in my writing and speech, without me even having to think about it. He is now a central part of my mind's landscape, whether I care, or do not . . .

LadybugQ -

I did work as agency staff in nurseries for a while a couple of years ago - I found the screeching and things not all that bad, but something that the other workers there seemed to resent me for was that I would spend a lot of time laughing, just because children are really funny. They do things like put sandwiches in their hair, and hit each other for no apparent reason, and I found it hard to keep a straight face and take things seriously. Eventually one of the workers took such a dislike to me that they claimed I slapped one of the children (which I didn't, obviously) and I was sent straight home. That really discouraged me.

Gweezle -

I was very surprised, when I joined Facebook, by how many of the people I found from school who now have an actual family, that must have been started when they were teenagers.

You say lots of interesting things, not least about your own family, and how you yourself were raised. I think I originally just assumed that being raised on benefits would be a bad thing because my boyfriend grew up like that, and he doesn't seem to have had a good time of it . . . but that was probably mostly because his mother was really depressed the whole time, rather than because of having little money. I also get really angry when I see people buying tat like makeup and cigarettes . . . it makes me want to confiscate all their money and give it to someone who would use it sensibly.

I am currently undergoing psychotherapy, because of my family, and the fact that relations with them continue to be really stressful for me. I'm finding that it helps, so far, both with accepting and moving on from the abuse and bad times, and with anxiety.

The foster caring is something to think about . . . it's quite a scary, challenging idea, but at the same time I like the idea of providing somewhere safe for a child who is in the same situation that I was in. (There are, of course, typical Aspergers things to get over, such as not liking anyone but me touching my things, being obsessive about cleanliness, getting stressed over nothing . . . etc).

Haha! Very good. Mine too.

I don't ever want children. If at some point in life I change my mind, I'll adopt. One, I don't want a profoundly autistic child like my brother, and two...I'd have issues with being pregnant and giving birth for sure. I don't fully identify as female (if that makes sense) and the idea of my body as 'baby maker' just revolts me almost to death.

Your parents obviously thought there was at some point.

Women are not babymakers topic

Very true. There is choice in childbearing. But to adopt, someone had to be pregnant and give birth to a live child and then give said child up for adoption.

I think volunteering to be with children and babies is the answer. I miss having little ones, and this is something I would consider if I did not have grandchildren in the future.

Hi there,

I had my son long before I was dx with AS. I mean, I had serious issues and spent a quite a bit of time on disability, a violent and unpredictable childhood and so on. I was 21 when I got pregnant, unplanned. I made a decision to have the child even though I knew I would probably end up a single mother.

I had years of meds and psych hospital stays, and trying to raise a son single-handedly and I did it to the best of my ability. I had to work very hard. I cannot play, I could not look my son in the eye and could not understand "toddler talk" so my son learn't the English language from a very young age. All I knew is that even if I was a crap parent, I loved my son fiercely and would have died in a heartbeat to protect him. I have had him assessed over the years and kept a close eye on him regarding emotional and mental development. He does not have AS as far as I know, but just by living with me he has picked up behavioural traits. He seems to have gotten my intelligence without some of my very serious hang ups which is good.

He is in the excellence class for mathematics, he is a physics and electronics head, he has some decent and not so decent friends, he does struggle with worry and anxiety sometimes but not enough for it to severely effect his moods, he is a perfectionist and punctual, but doesn't listen very well. He has a good sense of humour but can be sensitive to constructive criticism. He is a a fairly typical 15 year old, or so I have been told. It has not been a walk in the park. I am driven by logic, he is driven by emotion and we have conflicts. Especially when it comes to the complete annihilation of the English language by silly abbreviations. He calls me a nerd and I am sure that on more occasions than not, he has been completely embarrassed by me. When he turned 12, I thought the world was ending. So different was his body language and facial/verbal cues, or so it seemed to me. I have spent much time wondering who this stranger is living in my house?

But we get by. I have a wonderful partner that I have been with for 6 years and he helps bridge the gaps. I was only dx AS 6 months ago which has helped explain some of the very unsettling deficits I experience, especially with my son.

I love him more than life itself, and if the opportunity ever arises and you think you would like to have a child, do not let anything hold you back. You sound like you would make a great mum. I had no maternal instincts at all. I never wanted to have children.......ever. But I did, and the maternal stuff is still missing, but I love my boy.

Take care,

Mics

Look into the child free movement. There are many reasons for anyone not to have children. Not having children is a valid choice. I am 30 and so happy I don't have kids and took permanent steps not to. I like kids like the op does, but not for me.

You sound exactly like me, OP, cept when I was younger I guess. Don't worry about pregnancy and childbirth as a function, just educate yourself if you end up in that position. Armed with knowledge and hormones you'll know what you're doing.

There are many reasons an aspie can make an amazing parent, but many reasons we make terrible ones. The main point there is that we are definitely different...

Like Michhsta I had my baby pre-knowing myself, presuming I was normal, and at the mercy of my hormones. Having spent my last year or so raising a baby alone I would say I hate my life, with a passion. It's like the constant dread of getting up and going to school every day as a kid, forced to rise, interact with people, engage in activities which either bore, hurt or repulse me, with the added stress of money and other adult stuff. It's a real shame because I obviously love routine, but this is more like a roller coaster which routinely drags me through a sea of boiling oil, giving me the occasional downtime to anticipate it. (I haven't melted down so much since I was a kid, living in an unfriendly home and failing school.)

But, when her dad is actually in our life (we're still trying to work things out) I am happy. He takes that heat off me. I don't have to go out as much, talk to as many people, talk to her as much (which I feel obligated to do), and generally just get to BREATHE more.

There's actually a whole lot of detail I could go into about the pros and cons, but I won't... Let me just say it's really complicated, and you'll learn a whole lot more about how autistic you are when you're forced to tend to someone else 24/7, as well as how unique and strong you are as a person.

Just one more thing though: the noise. You will need ear plugs. And yeah, it's all hilarious stuff, until you're dealing with it all alone. So wait for him to "put a ring on it", and the baby will continue cracking you up. But make sure "he" is mentally sound... do not underestimate the capacity for NT fucked-up-ness; or in the case of aspie men, their capacity for self delusion.

Or just ignore everything I said. Cos if humans thought this much about reproduction we'd die out.

Oh my, yes.