Question for female aspies in relationships

Post Reply New Topic

Specifically female aspies in sexually active heterosexual relationships (with NT partners in particular);

How often do you have sex?

If not often;
If your partner has higher libido, do you worry about them leaving you or seeking sex elsewhere?
Do you find you want sex, but have trouble initiating sex or fear having sex?

There are lots of variations, I know, so any general thoughts and experiences welcomed too.

Once every couple of weeks. Sometimes it's a couple nights in a row followed by a few weeks break. I don't keep track because there's little point. It happens when it happens. My husband experiences chronic pain. His sister has almost as severe pain and was diagnosed with fibromyalgia but docs won't discuss it with my husband when he asks. This has undermined his libido somewhat. I have a high libido and he's mentioned being worried about me wandering due to dissatisfaction, but I have no inclination to wander. It's probably normal for someone to worry that their partner will wander if sex isn't provided in an ample amount; however, it's probably equally normal for those partners to simply adjust because they had made a commitment out of love.

This was not meant to me, but I hope you do not mind. I am NT with Aspie husband. We usually have sex once or twice a week, except when I am with my period (dry week). I have been married for 16 years. Frequency usually changes with time. When we just moved in together we used to have sex almost every night.

My husband has higher libido. I think men normally do. I do not worry about him leaving me or seeking sex elsewhere, because I know he loves me, he tells me he only wants sex with me (he even fantasizes with me), and we are together all the time (we work together). But I take his needs into consideration. For example, if you do not want to have sex you can always perform oral sex on him or help him masturbate (and if you do not want to have sex let him use his mags or watch porn online).

I used to have problems initiating sex. I have problems talking about sex. But what I do now is use body language. I kiss him in a way I know he will get horny and touch him in the right places. That always ends up in sex. I hope this helps.

I am mild aspie, he is severe aspie, (thus neither is NT), but I can say I have the trouble initiating anything sexual and have never done so with him.
This is probably due to childhood sexual abuse and residual guilt and shame and self blame over that, but also I honestly dont know how people do initiate sex, without simply asking directly, I have never learnt that.

We're lucky if we have sex once a month . I'm an Aspie and he isn't. When we first started dating, we had sex everyday for nearly three months. I think we had sex so often because of the novelty of the relationship But now that we've been married for almost 5 years . . . sigh. I have no ability to initiate sex and can get pretty weird sometimes when he does. Sometimes, I just don't want to be touched and I feel skin itchy and nervous when he initiates. If I make myself have sex, it is sometimes so painful that I cry. Admittedly, that scares my husband. So, now I don't force it. I just say no when I don't feel like it. Luckily, he loves me and can, um. . . take care of himself.

I am really lucky. I do wish we could have sex more often. I wish I didn't have to say no so often. But, he accepts me as I am and seems to like me no matter what. Did I say I was lucky? Yep.

I'm pretty good with initiating, it's just I hate rejection so I don't initiate with my husband anymore because it's really dependent more on how he's feeling (if he's in too much pain). It's better if he lets me know because the odds are better that I'll be game.

When I was married we would have sex at least twice a week. If I was on my period and he started being affectionate I would give handjobs while I made out with him. I didn't keep track of who initiated. His stamina began to dwindle and even though I was frustrated sometimes I just came to accept it and focused it more on intimacy. When we split up it was not so much about sex but more lack or care to communicate.

Bloodheart wrote

Aspie, married to an NT. As I mentioned on the adult forum, my husband is impotent, so we never have sex. It's been almost 18 months since I've had sex, by far the longest I've gone without sex since I first had it. My libido has always been higher than his. At first he found that exciting and sexy, but it guess it got old that I almost never said no...no challenge. How much sex we had dwindles over the years and now we never have it. Once in a while he can maintain an erection through oral sex, but I always have to be the one to mention it. He never initiated as much as I did, or as much as I wanted, and only in the first few months of our relationship did we have sex as much as I wanted. I had to adjust...I just never imagined adjusting this much!

My husband is not worried I'll cheat. I once asked him what he'd say if a guy told him that he was going to get it on with me. My husband said, "I'd laugh and tell him, 'Good luck,' because I know you'd never cheat." I'm going to see an old lover on Saturday (my husband declined to join me) and if I were in his shoes (no libido, partner with high libido seeing former flame), I'd be nervous. He is not worried, though -- and he has no reason to be. Sex or no sex, I love my husband and would never betray him (even though I will always have a place in my heart for this other guy).

I am (suspected/undiagnosed) AS, he is NT.
At the beginning (well... Kinda, we were 2 months in before we were intimate) we did it all the time, when ever we could for about 4/5 months.

Then I started getting pains, hip and stomach, and my skin (down there) became VERY sensitive, and tore. After this, we started doing it less and less, waiting for my skin to heal before doing it again (usually takes about 4 days). I think we went a whole year, only having sex a handful of times - and we've only been together 3 1/2 years so far!
I started the Depo (contraceptive) injection just after the pains started, and it made me extremely depressed. I think that's the main reason we stopped having sex, more so than the pains.

I felt really guilty about not giving him sex, after he is always so perfect for me, and looks after me and does everything he can to keep me happy - I've only just started thinking about AS as the reason for being the way I am, but obviously, I had meltdowns regardless of my knowledge of my disorder, and he stuck by me and did everything he could and never took my anger/sadness to heart - that's how perfect he it.

I never, even once feared that he would go looking for sex elsewhere, because I know he loves me. And I know he's not that kind of guy.
And not ONCE during my depressed stage while on the Depo, did he try to pressure or guilt me into it. I'd always say "I'm sorry..." he's be like "what for?" I would continue "for not giving you sex - It's the least I could do for all you do for me all the time!" and he'd always respond "I wouldn't want you to if you don't want to, that would make me feel bad, I just want you to be happy - I'm happy because I love you" and I trust and believe him.
He's one of the rare ones, that cherishes our love for each other over anything else, including sex - although he'll take it when he can, lol, he's still a man, after all!

I'd say we have equal libido, but we are not always both in the mood at the same time. Generally if I don't want to, we don't, if he doesn't want to, we will anyway because he doesn't know the next time he'll get a chance! I've slowly been getting more libido as tome goes on from coming off the Depo, but there are still a lot of things going on in my head/body that are dampening it.

I've been in relationships with some NT and one AS man, some of those NT's were tactile, some not - all had higher sex drives than me. The AS man also had a higher sex drive than me but I didn't see him as often and so everytime I saw him we had sex (just about), and that was usually twice a week. Sex with one NT man that I lived with for a year and a half, who was incessantly tactile and needy for physical closeness and touching, only happened very rarely towards the end - maybe once a month. I've found that the amount of sex I want to have reduces with an increasingly tactile partner, I get to the point where I feel pawed all the time and resentful, especially as I always explain that I don't enjoy frequent touching or kissing or demands for physical affection and I need a lot of personal space, and so just don't feel like sex.

I'm currently in a relationship with 20 year old NT guy who started out having a significantly lower sex drive than me. Once a week was sufficient for him, although he was very tactile and affectionate otherwise. It wasn't until he told me he was allergic to the lubricant on condoms (resulting in soreness and rashes on his part) and we switched to different methods of birth control that we started having sex more often. Now we're up to a couple of times a week, and he initiates as often as I do.

The strange thing is that I often have physical overload from him touching me in a non-sexual way (rubbing my back, holding my hand, playing with my hair), but not from sex. You'd expect it to be the other way around, since sex is so much more full-on...

Often! We are still in that early stage where we turn into rabbits, hopefully it will stay that way.

I find that in my current relationship, it's my partner who initiates far more than me, and he also has a higher libido than me. Personally, I find penetrative sex painful and uncomfortable so I don't like it, but that's part of sex so I put up with it.

I found that with both my NT partners, it seems like sex is a way of expressing love and affection. It was especially the case with my first partner, and he found it puzzling when I wasn't as enthused as he was regarding sex.