Having Babies

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My boyfriend and I have been dating for awhile now. We've talked about having kids and getting married. But I am deathly afraid to have kids, which is something he'd like to do (but it's not a deal breaker). I'm afraid of a few things:
1. The idea of something growing inside me creeps me out
2. Giving birth is incredibly painful
3. I hate crying babies and I am awkward around kids
4. My boyfriend has Asperger's and I am afraid that taking care of him and a few screaming kids will just be too much!

We are nowhere near being married. But right now in his life he is very irresponsible. I sometimes feel like his mother because I have to remind him to do simple tasks like feed the dog or pay the bills. I think if I have kids with him I will be overwhelmed. I don't know how hands on he will be. And if I have to remind him to feed the dog how will I be able to leave kids alone with him for an extended period of time?? Will he remember to feed them and change diapers?
Has anyone else had these fears??

I think you are very wise to be looking far enough down the road to forsee the potential for that. I would strongly encourage you to discuss that with your boyfriend. While his wanting kids may not be a deal breaker, his contribution needs to entail more than conception. And if he can't even manage basic "life" duties like paying bills without your constant encouragement, I can hardly imagine him doing better than he is right now once there are sleepless nights with screaming babies, which then magically morph into chaotic kids running around the house, and then into disgruntled teenagers who are forced by their hormones to resent you for a decade or more.

It sounds like you are already doing a lot to help him. How is he helping you? I have relatives where the husband is essentially no different from the kids, except he can draw his own bath water (I think), and the wife is running around trying to do evrything while he downloads music and plays video games. I'm sure she wouldn't wish her kids away for any amount of money, but I'm sure she wouldn't mind a husband that helped tow the load that he helped create also.

If you see red flags, I'd be very cautious on how I would proceed if I were you. I married a wonderful woman because I thought I could meet her needs. In spite of my best intentions, I've been little more than a hindrance to her life's goals, and she's very bitter about it. Don't walk down roads you won't be happy to travel.

Good luck! Make wise choices!

That's not necessarily true, it's largely a myth perpetrated by television comedy. Women have been giving birth all by themselves without medical attention or painkillers for millions of years. We just live in a society today where we're so spoiled we complain about the most minor inconveniences as though they were hideous torture. Not to mention that with the standard availability of the epidural drip in birthing rooms across the planet, you need never feel a thing.



I didn't have any fears, because when I was raising children, I didn't know what Asperger Syndrome was. I handled two stepchildren and and a daughter of my own and from the time she was born until she was past two, I was stay-at-home dad and when I worked part-time, I took her to work with me, strapped in her car seat. I wouldn't trade that experience for anything.

Of course, I was in my early 30s during that period, so I had a few years on you. In my early 20s, I wasn't ready for that kind of responsibility, either, just give it some time. It may not seem so scary in a few years.

Giving is painful. Whoever said it wasn't? Women who have gone natural have said it did hurt. Reason why it wasn't painful for me was because I was numbed down there from the epidural but the contractions were very painful, they felt like I was constipated and had period cramps but the pain was 100 times sharper. I still felt them even with the drug in me but I felt nothing coming out of there when I pushed my kid out and then the placenta. I handled it very well and it wasn't bad as the doctors made it out to be. but I did have an epidural so that is why and I have already experienced the most pain ever when I had a miscarriage and they sucked everything out of my uterus and they said "Now you know what having a baby is like" and they said the pain is worse during labor. Well I went into labor and had an epidural because I couldn't bare the most painful experience again so the pain was less than what I had experienced the year before.



I had the fear of forgetting to feed my kid before I had him but you know what, even if he forgets, they will cry, if they don't tell you, it means they were not hungry so no worries. They let you know when they are hungry. Then when they are older, they will tell you they are hungry. My son will say "eat" and toddlers barely eat anything until they grow and then they will really really want to eat and it will seem like all the time and then they will barely eat again. I was breast feeding so my boobs would tell me my baby was hungry lol because they would get so full of milk and then it would be uncomfortable so I knew my kid is hungry, I have to feed him when I get home.

As for changing diapers, I always forgot to check him a lot but I would eventually and then change him if he was wet and if he had it on for a while. He had a diaper blow out a few times and you definitely cannot forget to change a diaper then lol. So I had to clean him up and he didn't like having them either. Fortunately we were at home every time it happened. Then when he was older, he would just take his own diapers off if he was wet or messy so I knew he was ready for potty training then but unfortunately he had fear of sitting on his potty and didn't want to do it so it took time and patience for him to be truly ready. Letting him picking out his own potty chair gave it a boost and then the reward system worked all of a sudden because he liked sitting on his Cars potty and once he figured out how to control his bladder and he could release it and hold it, it got easy all of a sudden and trained. But we are still working on trying to get him to poop in the potty instead of just holding it and then leaking stool in his pants.

Plus some babies cry or fuss when they are wet and messy so he won't be able to forget then if your baby does fuss. But if they don't mind being wet or messy, then it's harder because then you have to remember to check them to see if they are wet or dry or messy. But the smell will also tell you they are messy. If it doesn't smell, then it's harder to remember to check them.

Don't feel like having babies is something you have to do though. Because women are capable of leading amazing fulfilling lives without children too. It is not something to feel guilty about and It certainly is something you shouldn't do just because society expects it.

I think you're smart to trust your intuition. Kids are a lot of fun for people who want them, but if you don't want them yet or don't want them at all, wait. You sound like you've got a good head on your shoulders.

If you don't want to be a parent and/or he can't be more independent, then having children is certainly not a good idea. You two have a lot to discuss and work out, but I think you knew that already. Just don't get pregnant or adopt a child because you feel obligated to or because you want to keep the relationship going. Only have children if you are certain that this is what you really want and that you are ready for.

Thanks for all your feed back! This is far down the road but I do think about these things.
Sometimes he is so engrossed with his games or phone that he doesn't hear me when I ask him a question. So I have to repeat myself or physically touch him to get his attention. I'm afraid he won't give the attention to a baby who needs it. He has a 4 year old cousin who his mom fequently watches on the weekend. But sometimes she runs out so I watch her for a bit. When that happens my boyfriend will play with her for a little while, but then will lose interest and play with his phone.
He tells me he will be different when he is older. But how do I know?
I see us living together happily. I do not see us with children.

I hear this is different for every woman. My mom had a very difficult labor and recovery after having me. I was a breech and got stuck. My aunt on the other hand had to cross her legs on the way to the hospital to keep the kids from falling out.

I am a mom to a 24 year old son. He's fine. I'm the one with the 'issues'.

I raised my son as a single parent from the day he was born (he never met his father nor did I ever get money from him)

Being a parent is something I thought I was prepared for. I was wrong. My son was a fussy baby. He was an active toddler. He was talking (and talking back to me) by the time he was 2. I had no idea that a small child could be so verbal. I had a tough time. I was convinced my son would be better off without me as his mother. I put him in foster care for 8 months while I sought counseling. we reunited right before he started first grade.

Being a mom was the best and worst thing that ever happened to me. I don't regret it, but I wish I had understood more about myself and children before I became a parent (I was 28 when my son was born).

Now that he's grown and on his own (graduated college at 21 and lives/works in NYC) we have a much better relationship. I don't see him much (not since Nov '13), but we speak on the phone.

He knows about my 'issues' and he forgives me for my shortcomings as a parent. I'm so happy that he's NOT like me (he has confidence, friends, a positive outlook on life), things I never had.

There are lots of wonderful children (of all ages - no diapers) waiting to be adopted. Kids losing their parents to tragedy and no family to step up and take them in. Something to think about aside from growing and birthing your own wee ones.

Wonderful children of all ages waiting to be adopted? Most of them have problems and you are very more likely to have a violent child as well because of RAD or drug abuse. These children come from broken backgrounds, abuse, drugs, neglect. Yeah they will have problems and you never know if that kid will be trying to harm you and threatening to burn down your house or wanting to kill you and trying to. I have heard too many bad stories about adopted children, adoption from overseas is the worst. There are some parents who luck out and do end up with a wonderful child who was adopted. I knew two girls in my class who were adopted and they were normal and fine. I also knew of another kid who was adopted and he had lot of problems but I think adoption had nothing to do with it because they adopted him from birth and he had ODD and ADD and AS. But I do know for a fact just because you adopt a baby doesn't mean they won't have problems because you don't know what the mother did while she was pregnant and you don't know how the baby was treated in the first few months of their life and that can lead to problems for them in the future.

So I would take precaution when adopting. Can you handle a Chuckie? Are you prepared for lot of therapy and spending tons of money on them? Can you handle a child that is disturbed and can't follow your rules and respect you? Can you handle a child with behavior issues and emotional issues? Can you handle a special needs child that was caused by drugs or whatsoever? Of course you can still end up with a kid with problems when you have your own but with adoption, the chances are higher. Every time I heard about a kid being adopted, that child always had problems. Same as when I would read stories about adoption, that kid would turn out to have issues. It's not like what you see in movies or on TV when kids get adopted and bam they live happily ever after and the kid is fine.

Honestly I think adoption isn't for me so that is why I will not do it and it's expensive anyway. Sometimes it's free if you adopt through foster care but even lot of foster kids have problems because they come from rug abuse backgrounds or abuse and neglect or were shuffled from one home to another so it makes the kid rebel and not care because they know they won't be at your house long so no point in being good. Even being a foster parent wouldn't be for me. I looked into it and read stories about it, same with adoption. I think lot of parents don't read into adoption and read stories about it because they adopt a child from overseas thinking they are doing a wonderful thing only to find out they can't handle the kid because they have RAD so they act like sociopaths and their lives are in danger and so are their other children and there is very little support for these kids so parents do the horrific thing, abandoning them like sending them back to their home country, dumping them off at social services, giving them away to anyone because they are that desperate for their safety. I think the parents don't know what they are getting into when doing international adoption and international adoption does seem like you are at a higher risk of getting a Chuckie because of the horror stories I have read about it and that kid always came from overseas. Just something to think about.

Well, it isn't, really. And depending on how heavy you are, you probably won't feel movement until week 20. If you are a second time or later Mom, then you may feel "butterflies" or "bubbles" earlier but a first time mother usually does not feel much until week 20 (although exceptions do exist).



Says who ? And how would you know without giving birth ? I don't mean that rudely, but just as a matter of fact. I have two children, and my experience is that while giving birth isn't pleasant, it is not painful ! Both of mine were vaginal deliveries and just my luck - neither epidural took effect ! ! Plus, once your bundle of joy is in your arms, you forget the displeasure. The first six weeks after giving birth can be similarly "unpleasant" (especially if you have a cesarian) but no biggie, it goes by really fast.



This might be a problem. If you cannot stand babies, then I suggest that you buy one of those "battery operated babies" that will simulate the first few months of a baby's life. If you cannot handle the simulation, it might mean that you are not ready for parenthood just yet. You may still be able to handle it later, but just not yet.



This might be another hurdle. You should not have to do it all. If you want to see how hands on he will be, then he takes the "baby simulation" test with you. It will give you a very fair idea of just "hands on" he will be, once you do have a child of your own.

As an aside, if you feel that he is very irresponsible and that you are more like Mom than girlfriend to him, it might be time to think long and hard about your next steps. You will certainly quickly get overwhelmed if you have to do it all, and that would be very unfair to you. If you cannot trust him to take care of a dog, I quite understand your fears about leaving him in charge of a helpless baby. I strongly suggest "a talk" soon, especially if he is pushing you to have a baby. Good luck !

Last edited by HisMom on 28 Apr 2014, 10:46 am, edited 1 time in total.

Yes.



Most? That is a huge blanket statement. It's also absurd. You make it sound like all (or "most") kids in the system are defective. Do you think all people on the spectrum have the same symptoms? There are troubled kids waiting to be adopted, there are also a lot of wonderful, but scared kids that landed them in their situation because of tragedy that was no fault of their own.

I found labor and childbirth to be very painful. Even after the epidural when I couldn't feel the contractions any more it still hurt when the baby came out.

A friend of mine claimed that when she gave birth her contractions didn't hurt and she just felt like she had to go to the bathroom.

I never wanted kids and the one I did have I gave up for adoption at birth. I can't get pregnant any more and I'm glad.

Seems to me like you shouldn't do it.

-YOU don't want them. It affects you for the rest of your life, and it's your body.

-Why would you have them? Now it seems to me as if your boyfriend is the only motivation. Don't. It's not good both for you and your hypothetical kids, to bring babies into the world you yourself actually don't really want and with whom you'll have to deal for the rest of your life.

-Listen to your gut feelings and doubts about your boyfriend's capabilities as a dad. If he struggles right now with the things you mentioned, motherhood will become a very difficult task for you. It's not like he'll suddenly improve forever once he's become father. Some people believe such things, that they'll become fit parents once the kid is there. Well no they won't. Don't fall for it if he suggests such a thing.

-You know yourself well enough to know that a) you're not good with kids, and b) you have sensory issues. When you have kids you'll have to deal with them most of the time and of course they'll make a LOT of noise. Seriously consider this. Some people say it's ''different'' when they're your own kids but stay realistic. With some it works out well enough but many people (like on this site) have parents who had many issues themselves. Don't always assume the positive.