Does anyone else have a horrible mother in-law? How do you

Post Reply New Topic

My mother in-law is extremely pushy and often difficult to deal with. She has no understanding of boundaries and drives me nuts.
For instance, his mom guilted us into having them over for dinner because my brother in-law said some ugly things to my father in-law. The whole time, she told us how we should have been doing things, baby talked to both my husband and me, and pushed her way into the kitchen while we were trying to cook dinner. She invited us over last night for dinner because of my husband's birthday and, because I thought they would be out of town then, I accepted. I found out today when she called to tell me something that they weren't going to be out of town after all and wanted me to bake a cake so they could come over and bring him his gift. For the record, both my husband and I are trying to lose weight and he requested that I not bake him anything this year since his mom made him a cake last night and it's really hot now.
I told him I'd rather not have them over because I need to decompress, and unfortunately that seems to have upset him.
Doespecially anyone else have issues like this? Can anyone give me some advice?

I don't have a mother-in-law, but I have a great-aunt (by marriage) who acts like that. She is very presumptuous and overbearing, and it rubs that much worse on everyone because she's not a blood relation. I think that might be part of why she does it though, because she's the outsider at a lot of gatherings...it's like she's pushing that much harder to be in control of things, because it's not her domain.

I try to just avoid her and ignore her as much as possible, which works because she's a more distant relative that I don't have to see very often anyway. If she was my mother-in-law...well, I don't know if I could marry someone with a mother like that. There's an old saying, beware the man whose mother is still alive. lol

I'm thinking with a person like that, deep down they usually just want to feel included. Ironically because they fear being excluded, they do things that make people want to do exactly that. Then the more you try to avoid them, the more they want to push their way back in and assert control over things. Sometimes if you turn the tables to include the person, ask their input, and subtly pre-empt their attempts to control things, they will back off. I don't know if this would work...just an idea.

My mother-in-law is 90 years old.

I wish I could consult with her about how she used to make jams and jellies.

There was a phase, though, about 15 years ago, where she was somewhat paranoid.

Sounds like the MIL has a ton of issues. What about setting gatherings somewhere other than your house? That would avoid her being able to mess with both of you directly. Maybe try to divert gatherings to going out for dinner?

I was lucky mine was many states away. That didn't stop her from being horrible the few times we were out there. Distance can be a wonderful thing...

Good luck. These MILs can make your life hell. Mine did, I no longer associate with her. She caused many years of heartache and fights. The best you can do is let him go see her alone at her place instead of yours and tell him you feel sick...ugh...I know, it's lying, but mostly anything else will get her to treat you badly or start a fight with your husband.

PS glad I got rid of that witch...I won't be going to her funeral if she dies tomorrow

My MIL abandoned my wife and her siblings when they were kids, so that she could to go live with another man and have his kids, as well.

Since I have a few abandonment issues of my own, that woman and I are not on speaking terms. We haven't even met, nor shall we ever.

I'm long-divorced, but when I did have a mother-in-law things did not go well.

In herself she was a basically good, nice, decent woman -- but she was SO clingy to my husband. He was 32 when I married him but she acted like he was still her baby boy. We lived in the next city over, about 80 miles, I guess, and because he had always driven home every weekend, she expected that to keep happening even after I had started living with him.

I didn't want to be working hard all week and then EVERY weekend of my life, load up the car and drive to her house to spend the entire weekend with my in-laws. Understandably I wanted to chill in my own home with my husband, at the weekends. We got it down to every few weeks...and then it always seemed to fall when I had my period -- and I'm on a road trip and a weekend social visit in someone else's house while cramping and bleeding....

I once had a kind of combination shut-down and meltdown at a Christmas party and wanted to leave early. She made a big show of weeping and being upset that we were driving back early. Her husband looked daggers at me like he hated me down to the bone. Meanwhile there am I just trying to walk out to the car without completely melting down, having a panic attack from being overwhelmed.

My husband never once stood up for me or tried to explain I'm a homebody and just want to chill in our own place sometimes, etc. His mother's needs for him to be close around her a lot were put before my needs to just start trying to form a LIFE with my new husband and develop our own patterns of how we spend our time together, without it always being about going back to his family home to be with them.

For Christmas and Thanksgiving, I began to just not go. My husband drove over to spend those holidays with his family, and I stayed home with my cats. I didn't care at that point. By the time this and many other matters had led to the breakdown of our marriage (this wasn't the only issue, there were many others) it was a relief to get divorced.

Wow BirdinFlight...that situation would have driven me NUTS! Too bad your husband didn't stick up for you, but even worse that it was the norm for him to visit so often. It shouldn't have even needed an explanation, most grown people don't want to spend that much time with their own parents, much less their in laws. Sounds like his mother was very manipulative and had her hooks sunk in him deep for him to go along with that.

I'm wary of men who are really attached to their mothers. An ex-boyfriend (at age 27) told me flat out he would NEVER leave his mother. I knew then there was no chance in hell things would ever go anywhere between us, for starters because I was not about to move in that house with his crazy family. Another one, at age 41, was still so obsessed with his dead mother, the first time we went out together he took me to see her grave. I seem to attract these types, and if it's not the mother they are attached to, it's some other female relative.

Hi dianthus, wow yep, big red flags with the attachment to mothers, there. I should have known better way back when it was early days: when I had only just started seriously dating my then-not-yet-husband, he took me to meet his mother the very morning after the first time we slept together. Eeeeeeeccchhh.

I think at the time I thought "Wow, that's cute, I'm honored!" Because you could think of it that way. But the flipside is "Woah, that's weird, and rushed."

There needs to be balance; you don't want a guy who can't stand his mother, as that's a whole different can of worms, but too much enmeshment is going to cause problems too. I can't handle family situations anymore; I'm better off alone.

Depends. How does you husband feel about his mother and her behavior??

If he has a problem with her behavior, HE needs to address it with her. It is not your right, it is not your place, and any attempt on your part to do so will make it look as if you are speaking on your own behalf. It will only bring both of them down on you, and cause you to become "The Evil Selfish Autistic b***h."

How do you feel about your husband??

If you love him and want to keep the marriage, just do whatever she says. When she changes her mind next week, criticizes you for doing what she told you to last week, and calls you names, thank her for the input and do it again this week's way. Do it without argument, without explanation, without complaint, and preferably without looking as if you are aggravated or upset. Don't say anything to your husband about being upset by it, either. Learn not to be upset by it. You chose this when you chose him.

I have to disagree with that, BuyerBeware.

To an extent yes, when you choose someone to marry you get the family into the bargain and in some ways you better be content with that decision.

But about just keeping quiet and going along and never complaining even though this mother in law is causing problems -- I think that's a recipe for the OP's misery.

Sure she gets to stay in the marriage, keep her husband and not rock any boats or make any waves. But doing that could cause a world of pent up resentment in the spouse who just knuckles under and stuffs their feelings down like that.

The issues need to be brought out in the open and addressed, whether that makes waves or not.

It shouldn't be a question of "Do you want to keep you husband and your marriage? Then shut up and take whatever his family dish out."

No in-law has the right to dictate that things are going to be the way they're going to be.

A married couple is a new unit who need to establish a their own autonomy, and while that shouldn't mean a complete breaking away from expectations of the existing families, it does mean that those families need to respect a different "world order" has now come into play in the family dynamics, and other people's wishes are now of equal concern, not just Mother-in-law's rules.

At least, in the western hemisphere. Other cultures may be different.

It also means that a spouse should stand up for their partner's needs. I'm not a Bible person but it has some good advice, and even the bible says something about "putting aside others" and making your marriage and your spouse's happiness the priority, mutually.

So yes sure when you choose someone you choose to have to deal with their family.

But it also cuts the other way -- when you choose someone you also choose to make each other the top of the priority pyramid, mutually protect and prioritize each other and the health of YOUR own union, and that sometimes means telling your own family to back the hell off.

The partner who fails to do that is also failing the marriage. It may "last" but at what cost happiness of the downtrodden party?

That's how my life is lived.

It's better than the constant bickering, finger-pointing, and accusations that go down if I make an attempt to stand up for myself or ask him to stand up for me.

Case in point: Kids' friend is having a birthday party on Sunday. Plans have been in place for TWO MONTHS.

MIL's brother decided yesterday to invite himself over this weekend. Guess who's not going to the birthday party?? I haven't told the kids yet.

It sucks. It's not right, or fair, but that's life. One of the great disservices feminism has done women is that we no longer choose a man and in-laws that we can easily submit to, because we believe we do not have to submit at all. But the fact is that submission is just the way of women with men (and men's mothers). It's hardwired, and it's hardwired for a reason. It prevents conflict. It's better than the years of blaming and finger pointing that go down when an autistic woman decides she's nobody's doormat.

If there are not yet children involved, divorce is still an option. One I would heartily recommend. I tried for years to work issues out with a similar family. Everyone on WP knows how THAT ended.