Straight Talk for Women on the Spectrum

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That's a big weakness of media, that it focuses on the extremes, the stereotypes, and wants to sensationalize everything. It's a shame, when the media could be used for education in a way that would help everyone.

My family are in denial about me being Aspie as well, except for my husband, who we both also think is Aspie. For my family (well, my sister, who's the only one who knows about it) it seems to be, "Oh, but you're just unique" - in a loving way. Only she doesn't seem to recall, or doesn't mention, that she was at odds with my differences when we were young, I think embarrassed by me.

For me, learning about AS has been such a revelation, it has helped me face my awkward past with a level of understanding and self-forgiveness that is priceless to me. So I don't worry too much what others want to think about it. I'm relieved to know finally what's been going on all my life. I have a name and an explanation for so much that was a source of mortification, distrust, confusion and so many other problems that I didn't know what to do with before.

I think, though, that people who get an early diagnosis these days sometimes have the opposite problem - where their families see everything about them through the lens of the diagnosis, and get treated less as an individual and more as having AS - so that even the AS people themselves can barely see through the diagnosis to their own personalities and their own strengths after a time.

Mixed blessings.

Hi. I'm 45, married, divorced and remarried, and self-diagnosed. At the risk of offering TMI, one of the things I'm looking forward as I get older is the hormones levelling out. I have made some VERY bad choices while under the influence of said hormones and the popular media, which was the only way I connected to the world for a long time. Actually, I'm still not connected. I don't even know what to say next to y'all. You all seem so sure and competent. Never mind....

Mindsigh it's good to hear from you.

I really sympathetic on the hormone front. For varying reason I have taken the contraceptive pill for most of my adult life. I feel it has been essential for me to regulate my hormones, without it my mood swings are terrible, it seems to put me on an even keel.

It's interesting you say we sound sure and competent.

I think I've got very good at sounding and performing as if I'm sure and confident.

But I frequently don't feel that way. In fact it has always felt like an act, a performance and can often be quite stressful to. It is a very useful skill to have learnt...but...

In fact it can be completely exhausting, and I suspect this was one of the reasons I dropped into depression; until very recently I was going through a period where I felt that I'd been acting out roles of the competent person in everything I did for so long I had no idea who I was.

I'm now beginning to find myself again, helped in part through reading this site.

I think I learnt these acting skills from quite young, from my parents I think, who both did exactly the same thing.

I'm pretty sure both my parents are also on the spectrum. I finally had the courage to broach the topic with them recently. They were very receptive. I didn't say I thought I had aspergers but I thought I might meet the definition of the autism spectrum at the functioning end.

I said to my Mum I thought she probably did too, to my slight surprise she said she thought that was highly likely (I thought she might be dismissive).

The conversation with my Dad was equally interesting. He used to teach children with special educational needs and did a degree in this when I was in my teens (in the early 80s) which included him doing a study on hyperactivity (adhd as it's now called). He said he'd become convinced at that time that adhd was a spectrum disorder and he was able to spot teachers and lecturers (his contemporarys) who he was sure were hyperactive. Later on he went on to teach children with intense special needs (I guess we'd now call them low functioning, then they were called severely mentally handicapped). He then became convinced that almost all of them had spectrum disorders that we were all of us somewhere on one or more of these spectrums.

We then got to talking about socialising. He said that he'd learnt to perform and it had made him popular but it was always an act, and could make him very tired and worn.

I explained from quite young I was aware of this as I could tell he was different at home, when he was with others it wasn't quite the real him.

So like father like daugher I guess..

I'm very lucky to have such open minded parents. They're
not perfect, they made some quite serious mistakes. But I've always been able to talk to them at an intellectual level.

Talking about emotional stuff has always been really difficult though. With my Mum it's impossible. With my Dad we can manage as long as we keep it a kind of distant intellectual level.This is as much down to me as them.

This has turned into a bit of a rambling post. Hope it's not too off topic...

Writing seems to come easy to a lot of people on the spectrum. This really helps facilitate discussions like this and free self-expression. Also, our individual backgrounds really influence our level of participation here, willingness to speak out, and what we feel comfortable sharing. This doesn't mean we're necessarily competent or sure of ourselves, for me I'm definitely very bold and direct when it comes to writing.

There are probably tons of people reading this thread but electing not to participate. Many might not even know how to step in and put a voice to their experiences. But just being here and browsing these different discussions can really help people feel connected and "mentor" them as they explore Aspergers and how it plays out in their lives.

Personally I don't know how to verbalize many of my thoughts and feelings specific to AS. I'm at a point in my life where I'm feeling decently comfortable when socializing with people in person. I will always prefer alone time and will usually have to remind myself to break eye contact, look away now and then to make it look natural, hold eye contact, pause and wait for the right time to insert my comments, or to the extreme hold back and stop talking so darn much about myself, move my hands now and then, adjust their position, etc. Seriously, if the people around me at work had any idea (and they will once my blog launches) what's involved in my ability to interact with them, they'd cower in a corner and hide from me.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, you are welcome here. It doesn't matter how little you contribute or if you say something that may feel like it's "off topic" or not competent. Everyone is welcome to participate. How else are we going to find our feet and begin to explore what this Aspergers thing means? So chime in any time. Ask questions, just post a smiley face if you want as a way of letting us know you're here. I'm grateful for you!!

Carla

LOVES MOOSE on TWITTER
LOVES MOOSE on FACEBOOK

TalkstoCats, hello!!

First, I have five black cats and am kind of known as a cat whisperer.

Second, nothing is off topic as far as I'm concerned. Many people with Aspergers tend to think in pictures. When I'm speaking to someone in person, my words can get really tangled up and I can suddenly veer off topic, much to their confusion and my embarrassment. I do this all the time with even my husband. But all it means is that I'm seeing layers of images and am trying to stay caught up with them by putting words to everything.

When my husband asks me why I've suddenly switched from talking about the ingredients for awesome chocolate brownies to learning about kangaroos, which makes NO sense to him, I'm always able to explain how it happened. There's always something that leads me in these different directions, and to me the connections are very clear. But because he can't see these images, all he gets from me are trails of words that ramble together. He hears individual little stories, but I have to make the connections for him.

Also, there isn't just one topic in this thread, or one topic running at any given time. The discussion looks flat and linear, because it's scrolling words on a computer screen. But people can jump in at any time and share what's on their mind, even if it's to say CATS ARE FABULOUS CREATURES. Actually, that would probably result in a massively long collection of comments and tons of people popping in to say hello who were previously just quiet reading along.

Oh, and I also wanted to comment on your "rambling post." Look at what I just wrote!! ! Geesh, I don't think anyone can ramble more than me!!

Okay, I'm done for now. I really hope we can keep this discussion going.

Carla

LOVES MOOSE on TWITTER
LOVES MOOSE on FACEBOOK

5 black cats sounds wonderful.

We just have the one grey and white just now.

I reckon I can read cat body language much better and faster than human body language.

There have always been cats in my life.

But I'm very curious now LoveMooses why are you known as something of a cat whisperer...

Hello . I'm in my mid-thirties, and was medically diagnosed over twenty years ago. My son has also been diagnosed HFA. I see a common theme on this thread of wanting to "blend in" socially with people in the workplace, or day to day which I think I understand more now, but have a hard time relating to. In my younger years, I went more for the antisocial, punk, screw the world attitude due to feeling misunderstood, and probably not quite understanding my autism. They didn't have the resources available back then (social stories, etc) to really help, and I was tired of being discussed right in front of me like I wasn't there.
A lot of those issues had faded to the background for me, until I met someone else with autism and a lot of old feelings came roaring back. I realized there was so much I needed to sort through, and a lot of areas where I could use some improvement.
Well, enough about me , I look forward to hearing more from everyone and their own experiences...

Hi! I'm 33, married 3 years and together for 5 (also had an earlier marriage to an older, abusive man) and have kids. From childhood, I always had some desire to socialize - on a scale from 1=total introvert to 10=total extrovert I'm maybe 3.5 or 4 - but most of my attempts to do so have ended in heartbreak. After interacting with someone a few times, they suddenly start to look down on me for reasons I can never figure out. Basically, I think I tend to either be awkwardly quiet, not knowing what to say, or else to ramble about special interests and come off as some kind of lunatic. I especially had trouble interacting with other girls or women: friends turned into bullies or suddenly dropped me, and I could never figure out the reasons. Talking to men is a bit easier, but as I mentioned I got myself into an abusive relationship when I was young, I think mainly because I was looking for someone to help me navigate the social world and was therefore dependent and vulnerable. I thought because I was a good student I'd be able to find a decent job when I finished grad school, but of course it didn't work that way. I still have a strong drive to have a career but I'm afraid it might never be possible because of the expectations for social interaction. More seems to be expected of women in this department, and it seems like it's not possible for me to "pass" for NT.

I always loved to paint and draw, as well as design buildings (as a kid I was always the most enthusiastic tree-fort builder). Recently I designed an addition to my house (read the building codes and got it approved) and found I really loved that. I also have studied programming and enjoy it, although I prefer something that is both logical and artistic. My education really only prepared me to teach, though, and teaching is not working out - the other teachers react to me the same way the girls in elementary school did, essentially. I hope I can find a niche. I don't think I will be satisfied unless I do (this has nothing to do with what I think about other people: employment has nothing to do with someone's worth as a human being, I just want an opportunity to exercise those strengths I think I may have and also would feel more secure if I was more independent ).

Hello all. I like having a place here for older women. I'm 50, self diagnosed and soon to be professionally evaluated. I'll be very surprised if I am told I am "normal." In fact, the more I read about Asperger's or HFA, the more it explains my whole life! As someone else stated earlier on this thread, "I've been waiting for my life to begin, but it never does..."
I didn't get married until I was 40. I have no kids. I cannot relate to women my age without straining myself mentally. I am like a 10 year old in a 50 year old's body emotionally. I always assumed it's because I was raised by a very spoiled, selfish and immature mother but....not so sure about that now.
See my avatar? That's pretty much exactly what I look like. Always staring and drifting.

I have 2 blackies and a fluffy calico. I'd love to have a Siamese, but with all the homeless kitties out there, somehow it just doesn't seem right to be picky.

Hi everyone,

I'm 51, married for 26 years and have 3 grown sons. My youngest wasn't diagnosed with Asperger's until he was 15 because we had been homeschooling and his traits just seemed like him to me, not like he had any real problems. When he was just about 13 he started to become pretty reclusive and difficult for him to talk to anyone. I finally learned about Asperger's and he was diagnosed though we don't really have any decent doctors that know anything about AS where I live. The diagnosis made a difference for him, though. He was relieved to know why he "weird" as he says.

Learning about AS was a real eye opener for me, too. I began recognizing myself as an aspie but my goal as a Mom was to help my son find what he needed. Well, he's 20 now and we still don't have any decent doctors, teachers or anything that really understand Asperger's much. It's especially hard since we look just like any NT, like I have seen a lot of you mention on this thread about looking normal.

So, I found this thread, though, searching specifically for forums for women with Asperger's and I'm happy to have found this. I read through a few of the posts and a lot of you sound a lot like me. I was a quiet, terrified child but my Mother was quite inept at nurturing me so I had to learn how to make do on my own. I always thought I had to fit in to some extent though I am a total non-conformist. I learned very well how to appear to conform on the outside all while doing my own thing. Of course I had no idea that I was doing this but realized when I was trying to understand my son what had been happening throughout my life.

I didn't get married until I was 25 and except for the 3 great kids that came from it I often wish I would have never done that. I think it was a compromise for my other non-conforming habits. My husband is a nice guy but he has never "gotten" me. We live two different lives in the same household.

So the main reason I was looking for a forum like this has to do with my marriage. Like a lot of people I wanted to leave the marriage when the kids were little but didn't so as to not make it hard on them. Either that or I was a chicken and didn't have confidence in myself. Maybe both. But now that the kiddos are grown I want nothing more, in fact it is almost all I can think about, than to get out of this marriage. The problems are; he is still a nice guy-but we still don't have anything in common, I don't have a job and will likely have a very hard time supporting myself, and I have a 20 yo that isn't able to work because of anxiety and selective mutism mostly.

I also have this fear that even though living with this man throughout our senior years seems like a living hell, that I'll be lonely and all by myself. I don't think I've been by myself, ever, except for a short stint before we met (we dated for 4 years before we got married). In my mind I know I'd adjust but the thought of it kind of scares the s**t out of me. The other thing I worry about is new relationships. I don't want to be all by myself. Like I read from some others in previous posts, I don't get along with many other women. Sure, I have women friends, but they get really bored with me very quickly. There just aren't many women that talk (or listen to) non-stop about computers, science and the lack of need for religion. I just don't want to be married to, or permanently living with other men.

I guess I'm hoping to start up a conversation about Aspie relationships from and older woman point of view. I probably won't post elsewhere on this forum because I sent the link to this forum to my son.

Anyway, thanks for listening. I look forward to meeting some of you through this forum.

R

Hello HowDidI...welcome to the forum. Except for the kids, my life is pretty much like yours. My husband and I are more like roommates than husband and wife. We have separate bedrooms. We have things in common like values, but interests....zero. I'm fascinated by the weather for one thing and will bore him to tears with how thunderstorms form. Things that interest most women bore me to tears as well. Oh well.

Hi, HowDidI, so glad you posted today! I can relate to a lot of what you said, and I am definitely looking for other older women who are just figuring out what to do with the knowledge, new-found or not, that they are Aspies.

I'm 57, have two sons who are quite different. One is 32, self-diagnosed and obviously Aspie, highly intelligent and quite successful as the chief technical officer of a major company. When he was young I let him go to school less and less as he wasn't learning anything new and even the local college couldn't teach him anything he needed (Internet programming in 1995). He was the quiet, nerdy, trustworthy type, eventually got a GED and started several businesses. He got very lucky, married an Aspie woman a bit older than he; they had a very Aspie son who is now 13. My DIL is wonderful, very smart and is homeschooling our grandson. Boy! do they every work hard to live a good life! DIL and grandson are both allergic to corn - when they eat even a molecule of it, it makes all their symptoms go off the charts. But life has been much, much better ever since they started eating a corn-free, wheat-free diet. This is a whole additional topic: auto-immune issues and ASD (I'm hypothyroid).

My other son is 26, was almost the complete opposite of his brother. Oh, man! was he ever a handful to raise! Still is, in some ways. He was the bully so I got him out of public school at age 12 and homeschooled him. He eventually got two degrees from the Culinary Institute of America (he always did love fire and knives) and now he's a sous chef in San Francisco. We've always thought of him as ADHD but now I'm investigating the possibility that he's an extrovert Aspie as well. This is important to me because I believe I am the same: get energy from being around people, but am frequently bored by them and find there are very, very few groups of people I can stand for more than a few minutes. As it turns out, the groups I like seem to be heavily populated by Aspie-like people. This son has been self-medicating with a lot of alcohol, I believe in order to fit in with the people he wants to be around. Fortunately, he's decided that he might be willing to try different kinds of people to be around.

Wow! this was really helpful, as it took me back to some of my mother's behaviors when my parents were divorcing. (Mom is 86 and has lots of Aspie traits, Dad passed away at 86 last year, probably Aspie, ADHD, BPD with auto-immune issues all undiagnosed.) I've always thought of Mom as sweet and nurturing, and thank heavens she didn't play favorites like my dad did, but she just couldn't cope with a lot of conflict. She kind of left us on our own to deal with the divorce, didn't tell us it was happening, didn't help us cope. I took on the parenting role to my younger sisters.. way too young myself. She did not defend me from my father who was emotionally abusive and emotionally incestuous. I was really on my own until I acted out so much in my 20's I finally got help, thanks in part to an article written by Andrew Vachss.

I was married twice plus had a partner (the fugitive Spaniard... in Spain... now there's a book!) before I married my current ... and last!... husband. I obviously had no idea what I was doing. They were all abusive in one way or another until Mr. Current. I don't even care to think about whether or not they were Aspies. They were all extroverted, alcoholic or co-alcoholic, high-IQ but just plain too wild and, oh, did I mention abusive? The last one I was with for 10 years but when it became clear that he was going to ruin both my son from a previous marriage and the son we had produced, I was ready to find the strength to get away. Second smartest thing I ever did (smartest thing: marrying Mr. Current). I had all the fears you have, but things worked out one way or another and now I can't imagine how I lasted as long as I did. We were totally out of sync with each other and he took out on me.

Very briefly, I finally learned to create my own high standards for what and who I wanted in my life, learned how to set and maintain boundaries, and did a lot of dating of really nice guys who made me believe that I was a great person and who treated me well. Telling one after another that "you're a great guy but this just isn't a good match" was so healing for me: I took control, I exercised my right to have boundaries. And then, and only then, did Mr. Current come into my life. By then, I knew what I was looking for and he was it. And, oh by the way, he's a mild Aspie himself. We have so much in common it's hilarious.

Finally.... my daughter-in-law and I started a Meet-up group for Aspie women in our area. There's only one other Meet-up specifically for Aspie *women* in this country, on the other coast. It's going great, and these are the first and only women I have ever been able to stand being around for more than about ten minutes. We meet weekly, which is astounding to me. But we really like it and learn a lot from each other and... very important... are comfortable with each other. I can't recommend this step highly enough.

Colega...that's interesting what you said about autoimmune diseases being linked to Asperger's. I have been hypothyroid (Hashimoto's) since age 12 (now 51) and also have had vitiligo since around the same age. I also have gluten sensitivity (not Celiac) and a slightly high rheumatoid factor.

Wow, a whole thread full of sisters! I am 59 and just self-diagnosed. I am still rewriting my whole life narrative in my head to take into account AS. I am sure it will take months and maybe years to really digest this news. It's given me a lot of peace of mind. I quit feeling like I was just not trying hard enough to be "normal".

I don't really regret not knowing I had AS until now. Constantly trying to live up to normal socializing standards led me to a very successful life. I was lucky to be gifted with analytic skills that let me analyze social situations accurately enough to be a manager and a consultant, although in an environment heavily populated by other Aspies and introverts. This environment was much less of a challenge I suspect than the average working environment. I went to a girl's prep high school and studied Computer Science in college. Again, these were pretty Aspie-friendly social environments. My first husband was the typical bad choice of someone with AS. The second (and current) husband is also on the spectrum, as far as I can tell. So, we are compatible. So, I made good choices and had things easy. I am not HSP either, just moderately sensitive. I am not a very emotional person. Think Spock.

I was really really burned out by my high-pressure job. I was able to retire at 55 and couldn't wait. I had this whole list of things I thought I would do, as soon as I had a little time to chill. To my surprise, I found that chilling is really what I wanted to do. Away from my nerdy work environment, I found that my social skills were really quite poor. This was very confusing to me, because in my work environment I was socially adept. I have been struggling with this ever since, trying to figure out why I just want to hide in my cave. Coming across a description of female Aspies - and the lightbulb came on.

So, I am not sure where the rest of my life is going. But I feel like I have a more realistic idea of what I can achieve now. I am really hoping that talking to other women like me can help them - and me. I am so glad you are all here

It's hard to find a doctor who will do the right thing with the auto-immune diseases / conditions. I have an MD 70 miles from me who at least knows how to treat the thyroid and an acupuncturist on the other side of the country who is absolutely brilliant at getting at the cause of the huge list of symptoms that I was presenting. Due to highly accurate testing and brilliant reading of those tests, I'm on a protocol that's right for me, involving a personalized Paleo type diet and specific supplements that included a very long, slow increase in my iodine intake. This has not only cleared up the fatigue and other such things, it also cleared up the brain fog. Gut health = brain health. I'm still my good ol' Aspie self, but it's not nearly as hard to deal with when I'm not dealing with all that other stuff at the same time.