Do you have a red flag list?

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I don't know what this means... I looked it up and it's maybe tennis players or a video game forum players?

Hi ya Britte, so nice to see you again

Mine is pretty basic.

Can they listen? Do they actually hear what you are saying and respond appropriately?

Can they apologize when appropriate? Is it a real apology, vs. blame-shifting and excuse-making?

How do they treat people of (perceived) higher social rank? (Perceived) lower social rank?

How do they react to the setting of appropriate boundaries? (I need to go now; I will be unable to see you, I've come down with the flu; Sorry, I'm already overcommitted and can't accept this assignment or request)

Is their sense of humor kind or mean? Is it based on belittling either people or groups? Do they have an unthinking, reflexive response to members of any group*?

How "turfy" are they? How often and how widely do they regard others as competitors? (Do they compulsively "one-up" everything you share? Do they withhold key information from you on the job? Etc.)

How do they respond to others' real need, or real pain?

Do they keep their promises? Do they try to dodge responsibility and dump it on you?

Are they mentally/emotionally lazy (do they think in slogans without any appraisal of those slogans and who might benefit from having people believe them? Do they expect you to figure everything out, do all the emotional work)?

These work in any setting - home, school, work, religious observance, socializing, at the doctor's office, etc. Unfortunately, there are a lot of doinks out there, so it's useful to identlfy them early.

*Serious food for thought here, about the human capacity for growth and change. Reformed (and Atoning) Former White Supremacist Christian Picciolini

Thank you, Amity. Nice to see you, as well! : )

Signs of a lack of kindness or compassion put me off.

Sulking too - life is too short.

My Red Flag List

• If he is a cop or into law enforcement (definite big no.....Just no.... Will not work at all...)

• If he's too "human"/too "normal" (meaning, if he's like mostly "normal". I don't know how to describe it. He doesn't have to be an otherkin or anything of that sort. But we would most likely not be compatible if he's too much of the norm.)

• If he tells me Shadow or any of my soulbonds do NOT exist (it just won't work out. He doesn't have to believe in what I do. But he da*n sure needs to respect me and my beliefs.)

• If he is kinkshamer/has a problem with my sexuality and interests (nope not doing it)

• If he's not alright with me being polygamous (obviously that wouldn't work out)

• If he's a liar (that's pretty much with anyone)

• If I find out he's posting/sharing things about how crazy and a "sick freak" I am for my interests, beliefs etc. (who would stay with someone at that point?)

There is probably more that I can list but those are the main ones I have thought of.

Expects to be able to get a date while insulting people for their hobbies; for example, one dude I met on OKCupid had it out for hipsters and when I told him I was interested in Urban Exploration, he said "that's something hipsters are into. just saying".

Yeah, any attempt at gaslighting is a huge red flag, especially if it happens on a first date; it could be that they're sizing you up, trying to see how much BS you're willing to take from them. Guys who pull this sh** need a knife between their ribs.

Barchan your response is a bit extreme. I mean violence towards anyone is a weak and imbalanced reaction... even if taken as a metaphor it's connotations relate to a powerlessness which leads to a 'ends justify the means' ideology.
Rationalising violence towards another living being is not okay.

This is a very important topic. I massively struggle with noticing potential red flags or I try to explain them to myself somehow and analyse them instead of trusting my gut instinct (which - in retrospective - works really well, I just tend to ignore it!). I'm also very vulnerable to any pity play, I try to understand the person, comfort them, show them I care and then SNAP they do something I can't understand that feels bad and confuses me.

I can add a few of my red flags:

- they humiliate you or belittle you in a really sneaky, subtle way, especially when in public or in front of their family or friends
- they make you cry and then laugh at you being such a childish, immature person for crying
- they complain about having to do "menial tasks" in their life which can be anything from cleaning up after themselves to having to do some actual work to earn money. They seek others to do those things for them.
- gaslighting, even when it comes to things of seemingly tiny importance. There are people who get a real kick out of confusing others and making them doubt their perception or memory
- people insisting that you'd change if you really loved them
- people using derogatory language while describing others - that can include exes, their work clients, family, women/men in general, people of different race/political views
- people who joke about horrible things, abuse, tell jokes that are racist or sexist
- people who try to mould you into some kind of "ideal partner", by comparing you with others and criticizing you
- nothing you do is ever good enough for them and they're never satisfied, just want more, more on their terms, push boundaries by eroding them slowly
- they don't appreciate your efforts and work put into the relationship, there's rarely a spontaneous "thank you" or reciprocation, there's a feeling of being taken for granted

Unfortunately many of these red flags only become visible while you're already in a relationship, emotionally attached... do not ignore your gut instinct, ever! Sit down, alone, and think - why am I feeling this tense? why is there a feeling of 'something not right'? Analyse those conversations, ask a friend about what they think of your new boyfriend/girlfriend. Other people's insight is really valuable. My daughter (who's just 12) is a better judge of character than me, when emotions take over. She may say something like "don't you think what he said was creepy?" and it takes me a while to see the creepy factor in it.

RandomFox,

All of the things you listed are huge red flags for me, too. All of the people you described are plain toxic.

I miss him.

Yes, I have a really good sense of when something's off with a guy too. Red flags I've had with exes have been clinginess, threatening suicide, alcoholism, trying to pressure into sex, talking about exes way too much, poor hygiene. I could go on but i won't.

How much time do you have?

...Spree killer sympathizers...

I was a veterinary assistant for a hot minute years ago. We had an acronym for our more dangerous patients: AWC.

Approach. With. Caution.

If you follow the broad range of things that people list here, i'd be wary if you don't notice or suspect any of those, because imo at that point a decent ratio are good at hiding those, or you don't do a good job at detecting them.
Really interesting thread actually.

Regarding parents, my parents are psychologically abusive, and generally toxic, while my intentions may be not like that, i never had the chance to learn what emotionally healthy interaction really is in the long term, but alot of experience in the reverse with many people. If somebody were to meet my parents, they'd not notice alot of things being wrong. They are very good at appearing friendly and totally good to the outside. My father to be specific can hold that up for months of longer interaction.

For me it's more a subjective analyzing of intentions (and their alingment with what they should have and say they have compared to behaviour), many red flags here would trigger me.

Talking too much

Always having to get whatever they want

Saying "girl" to refer a woman

Saying "what" and "huh" instead of "excuse me'"

Obsession with money

Impatience

Personal questions

Making too many comments about my appearance, food, IQ score, or anything else

Too much criticism

Too many compliments

Drugs

Breaking plans and promises

Referring to himself or herself as "people"

Judgmental attitude

Drama queen

Addicted to technology

Self important, morally innocent lil attitude