Why do women love abusive men

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https://books.google.com/books?id=gAGOR ... an&f=false

I mentioned this book in another thread, the author is a counselor and talks about having counseled women in verbally (and physically) abusive relationships. She says it's common that these woman have actually been told by other counselors, or by other people in general, that they are somehow to blame for being abused, that there is something they are doing to cause it or something they can change to make it stop. They were actually told things like they were not being loving enough or committed enough to their partners. I find that mind boggling, but I don't know why it surprises me.

Abuse itself tends to have that effect on the victim, that they feel like it is their fault, that they are doing something wrong, that they are responsible for the abuser's behavior. That keeps them thinking that if they can change in some way, the abuse will stop. Then if the person's environment and socialization reinforces that, it is that much harder to put things in perspective.

I know I have been situations times where I would be mystified by the way someone was treating me, and I'd think it was somehow my fault, and if I could just change something about myself then they would be nicer to me. I'd try everything, exhaust all options, and finally realize that absolutely nothing I could do would change the situation. Only then would I feel free to walk away and move on.

I think females in general tend to be socialized this way, more so than males are, to be accommodating, to understand the other person, to try to fix the situation or change something about ourselves. Then if you end up with a partner who expects to BE accommodated, it automatically puts you at a disadvantage.

oh. My lovelife makes sense now.

They don't, some of them just lack the confidence and self esteem to look for someone better. Maybe it's the classic "maybe he'll change with a little love" line.

You should choose the kind of person you want, not try to make someone into what you want.

That's why I stopped bothering so much. Rather not have a relationship than settle for someone who isn't who I want.

I don't think this is fully understood.

I think is something to do with conditioning. It is well known that some people who have had abusive relationship seek other abusive relationships. In some case they also become abusive themselves.

Men also suffer domestic abuse.

The theories in the thread are pretty wild from Freudian babble, to unsubstantiated biological theories.

The reality this is a trauma related, and it is is a learned cycle.

I think politically correct views on abuse can mean that the phenomenon of inter-generational abuse is not given the attention it should.

Usually the reason why these women get told they are the problem is because they get manipulated by the guy who is abusive. If they both go in together and see the counselor, the man is so manipulative, the counselor believes everything they say. It's a form of gas lighting so usually when it's the woman going to the counselor herself, she gets told her partner is a narcissistic and that her partner is the problem.

I did read a story on Reddit by a woman who was diagnosed with bipolar during her relationship so she was on medicine for it but it was never working because she still had her "symptoms" and she thought she was Bipolar even though she didn't have any problems before the relationship. Then when she started to see the counselor alone without her husband, he them told her he was the problem, not her. She never had bipolar and her partner had told everyone she had problems including his own family and hers. This is what they do, they manipulate everyone so get everyone to side with them to make the victim think she is the one with a problem. Gas lighting.

On re-reading my post, its does sound like I was implying women think they are in love with the rapist, this certainly wasnt what I was thinking however, somehow my thoughts I had written down wrong.

I'm no expert on this, but I think there's different reasons. It's hard to tell when somebody is abusive. It's not like being abusive is necessarily an inherent trait. We all have the capacity to do awful things to people we love and sometimes otherwise good and moral people are monsters to others at their absolute worst.

But if we're talking about a pathologically abusive person, well a lot of these people are good at making first impressions. It's only when you get to know that person that it dawns on you that something about their behaviour is wrong and sometimes people try to see the best in others until it's too late. Plus, these f*****s play mindgames.

For people that seem to stay in abusive relationships, I think that can be a tragic result of childhood abuse and not having had stable relationships at a young age. Or it could be that you grew up in a household where you witnessed a lot of abuse. Or maybe you were neglected or didn't have proper rolemodels. It could be that for some people, they're heavily sheltered and have no lifeskills to help them spot the abuser or conversely all they know is crappy relationships and so they spot the abuser and stick with them anyway because they don't know what normal is.

Personally.I have never been in an abusive relationship and I hope I never do. I know people who have been in such relationships and each story is unique.

Daddy issues. Need I say more?

Amen.

People who have endured abuse in childhood end up being more susceptible to abusive partners / abusive relationships as adults, especially if their childhood abuser is still in their lives, reinforcing their screwed up belief systems that they somehow deserve the abuse.

Don't want to share too much information here, as I like my privacy, but hindsight is 20/20. I am also incredibly lucky to have dodged some really awful bullets in my time.

I've had an abusive childhood myself and there's times when I crave abuse. I've gotten upset with my boyfriend because he doesn't abuse me. I think I need therapy.....

Many people have this idea that rough treatment = "honesty"

And that rough treatment = "true love"

Not always the case, *unless* the individuals in question were raised in abusive, hostile environments by abusive, hostile "parents" or "caregivers".

If abuse and hostility are the only things you have ever known, and have even been conditioned from birth to accept as "normal", then you really don't know any different AND are more likely to accept abuse from a partner as "honest, true love". But if you were raised in a warm, loving and supportive environment, you would be better placed to understand that abuse is neither normal nor acceptable, and would probably react definitively and firmly at the first sign of abuse - however subtle - by a partner which will break the cycle before it even gets started.

Although the above is based on my own experience, I *have* talked to many women with upbringings similar to my own and our abuse radar is either quietened significantly or muted out, altogether. Some of us are able to finally learn that abuse has nothing to do with love and probably a lot to do with mental illness or personality disorders in our former "caregivers", which leads to us finally being able to break the cycle. But others of us never know any different and - sadly enough - don't care to know any different and don't think we deserve any better.

I am sure that this - greater tolerance for abuse and hostility - is also the case with males raised in abusive, hostile homes in their childhoods, although I can obviously only speak for the females.

goofygoobers,

Yes, if true, you do need therapy. And, until you've worked through your childhood issues, you should probably not be in any sort of romantic union. I liken this to an alcohol problem. Even if you've gone to rehab, and gotten rid of your former addiction, you should stay away from alcohol for at least 10 years, until you know for sure that a drink here and a drink there won't lead to go binge drinking every night after work.

Some people don't agree with me when I say that they should stay away from romantic unions until they've completely resolved their childhood issues, but this is my reasoning. Abuse - especially in early childhood - leads to a complete destruction of self-esteem and self-confidence. This tends to make you stand out to potential bullies as an easy and vulnerable target, even if you don't intend to make your vulnerability obvious. If you don't love yourself (and the abuse has made sure that you don't), you are not in any position to love another. You need to heal, be made whole again, love and respect yourself, and have a healthy relationship with your own self before you are ready for any sort of relationship with another. Don't attempt to find love from other people if you don't love yourself.

Your first act of self-preservation would be to cut off the abusers (both the active abusers and the enablers) in your life. Also, ignore all their minions who might try to suck you back into the vortex because abusers will turn on other people when you - their favourite scapegoat - "escape". So, it in in the minions' interests to draw you back in to your former role of family scapegoat. Move 2000 kms away, and cut off everyone for a few years while you learn to love and respect yourself all over again. You'll be stronger and more positive for it. Also, when you love yourself, it makes other people want to love you, too ! Self-love naturally leads to attracting an appropriate and equally loving romantic partner.

Good luck !

You ask the question why. Actually it is not 100% known but there are so good theories. This behaviour is not exclusive to women either.

The most obvious one is it has to with conditioning. Abuse is not a reward but when you brain is used to the same input over a time it expects it.

Another theory is to do with pre-empting. You expect it happen you, so it is easier if you gain some control by allowing it to happen rather the wait. However I'm not saying you really want it to happen, but that is the psychology.

I think it is both.

A controversial theory but backed up by research that abuse can be inter-generational and it can at times be fully reciprocal. The founder of what became Refuge and the pioneer of shelters Erin Pizzey said that, she was hounded for it. She received death threats, and her dog was killed.

Sometime the term "victim-blaming" is used too loosely it stops serious discussion, which might actually help. This is why terms like "safe space" and "trigger warning", don't come from the expert or research on either abuse or PTSD, and while can be well meaning aren't necessarily going to help.

PTSD is something not all people who suffer a traumatic even develop, only some of them. It is a specific condition, and there are other mental illnesses associated with traumatic events.

When you have a behaviour cycle that is destructive the last thing you want to do is nurture it.

Added emphasis mine, obviously.

I think it's really important to stress this, in threads that generalise about one gender or the other in a fallacious way. Being prone to abuse is a HUMAN trait (especially for those who have experienced abuse before--and both men and women are abused in childhood and in adulthood), NOT a male or a female trait.

There is such thing as a fetish. There are people out there who like getting abused but the difference between that abuse and real abuse is real abuse is done without consent and the victim has no control while in a controlled environment, it's more like role playing because the person is doing what the victim wants done to them and they use safe words.