books on men dealing with Aspi women ...

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Males and females do have different brain chemistry, so it doesn't surprise me that AS would manifest differently as well.

This may read as not very pc, however, hormone levels vary more in women, and that, I noticed, may fortify the effects of meltdowns and shutdowns. The variations appear to accentuate AS, but, admittedly, I have too few observations to generalize conclusions on this matter.

yes, hormones present themselves differently in males and females. I am certain many rages and violent meltdowns are fueled by cyclic estrogen production as they are by constant testosterone production.

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Exactly. I've always tried to keep to myself and stay well out of situations when I know in advance that I will melt down. That's how I pass, and the reason people are surprised and tell me 'No you're not [Autisic/Aspergers].'

For the same gender reason, people accept my obsession with collecting doodads and with being washed and combed just so. The others don't fit in with what society thinks women should obsess on though, so I need to gloss over those or be marked strange!

I know about 3 days before my monthlies, my anxiety level goes waaaaay up. Being aware of that cycle helps me to not give quite so much credit to it... and to avoid certain situations. And understand why I have the mad munchies!

It might be interesting for you and your wife to keep a record--how she feels, how you perceive her affect--to see if a clear emotional cycle appears. Then you'll be able to incorporate it into your life consciously.

I've also heard many, many married women talk about emotional cycles their husbands have, so this may go both ways. You may detect your own cycle... monthly biorhythm... and again incorporate it consciously into your planning and decision making.

Her monthlies are in my diary. By approximation, that is, as I find it kind of weird to ask her (a colleague) to share that sort of personal data with me. She uses a contraceptive pill, the regularity that it brings enables me to predict moods in advance without knowing precisely.

Ooops, yeah, that would be over the line... NOYDB sort of thing.

Somehow I got it in my head we were talking about your wife... my apologies!

What in particular strikes you as different between male and female Aspies? Or what aren't the books helping with?

What strikes me:

- my relationships with aspi's are intense, having an intense relationship with a same-sex person differs from having it with opposite-sex person.
- it just scares me when I read the complains from aspi women who say they are taken advantage off. For some reason Aspi women appear more vulnerable.
- they have a different view on children than aspi men have.
- the mirroring made me feel as if she were my sister.
- they are mothers!

There may be nothing special, but when women write about their aspi men, I get bored, cannot identify, especially when it is about intimacy.

Some of these are vague subjective observations, in large part, and convey little hard info... Aspies work best with specifics...

Why do you call it intense? Emotionally? Intellectually? Conversationally? What?



All Aspies, because we are unaware of non-verbal cues, are at risk for being taken advantage of by unscrupulous scum. Women, in general, ARE more vulnerable in our society... all women. But I literally can't tell the difference between someone who is being polite, and someone who is genuinely friendly on the first take... it's lead to some hurt feelings on my part when someone I thought was a friend was really just being polite.



Again, be specific. This statement really conveys nothing.



Do you mean she is mimicking you? That's seems to me a more individual thing... I don't mimic others. I think there is a type of woman--NT and AS--who is more...ummm, passive? undifferentiated as a protective strategy, some men find it flattering I suspect. But there have been NT women on these boards who complain their husbands have no opinions of their own...

And there seem to be plenty of Aspie women running around here who have plenty of opinions... LOL



And this means what? Other than a biological fact. Your point is?



I think there is probably a general difference, just like there's a general difference between men and women regardless of culture. Different mental aptitudes are well documented in the two brains, men being better at spatial mapping (hunting), women better at small relational details (gathering), men more prone to fact based info, women more prone to feeling tone info... I suspect the AS versions of these would tend to accentuate certain characteristics.

For example, because women as a whole are more relationally based, it's really no surprise that an AS girl would be automatically be inclined to observing how groups of people relate to one another, and mimic it, thus being better able to 'pass' detection.

I wouldn't be at all surprised to learn that the two minds are adept at picking out different sorts of patterns as well...

Indeed, and when combined with different treatment, expectations and interpretations socially (as mentioned by sinsboldly), then it would be odd indeed if there were not generalized patterns of gender divergence between males and females with ASDs, just as there exists between males and females without ASDs.

very interesting topic! Kudos to you Hermien! Yes we do "present" differently than males, hence the reason so many of us have been diagnosed in adulthood, I am one! A book like that would be great to have, a sort of how to book for relationships. I would love to have one, someone should definitely write one!

Thanks moonnymph, we should write a book together!