07 Sep 2010, 2:44 pm
07 Sep 2010, 2:58 pm
lotusblossom wrote:
Ive always felt very bad about how I look. I wanted to look nice to make up for haveing a horrible personality. I always felt bad about my personality as I got into trouble with the teachers and other children and made my parents very cross. I could not make any of those people happy so wished I at least could look nice and obsessively focussed on trying to look nice. Since I was 10 Ive had ocd very long beauty rituals trying to correct my faults. I feel awful about how I look most of the time and have discust and panic at how I look. It is worse as I get older and how I look degrades further.
Its all from me though not other people as other people have not been particularly different to me when i was a 34-24-34 figure aged 21 to when i was 48-42-48 when I was 23 after putting on 84 lbs when I had my second child. People have not been different when I wear make up and when i dont and men have made 'passes' at me when i was at my fattest.
So I know it is all in my head and about me feeling a monster and despising myself. I must be focusing all my hatred at myself and my lack of social skills on how I look and trying to correct that as it is more accessable than my character.
I found Dr Lindas body book* helped me feel better about myself enough to be able to date again, but I probably need lots of intensive therapy to rid myself of it properly as its so ingrained and tied up with my core beleifs about myself.
* http://www.amazon.co.uk/Mirror-Linda-Pa ... =8-2-fkmr2
Its all from me though not other people as other people have not been particularly different to me when i was a 34-24-34 figure aged 21 to when i was 48-42-48 when I was 23 after putting on 84 lbs when I had my second child. People have not been different when I wear make up and when i dont and men have made 'passes' at me when i was at my fattest.
So I know it is all in my head and about me feeling a monster and despising myself. I must be focusing all my hatred at myself and my lack of social skills on how I look and trying to correct that as it is more accessable than my character.
I found Dr Lindas body book* helped me feel better about myself enough to be able to date again, but I probably need lots of intensive therapy to rid myself of it properly as its so ingrained and tied up with my core beleifs about myself.
* http://www.amazon.co.uk/Mirror-Linda-Pa ... =8-2-fkmr2
I do focus a bit on my appearance probably to draw away from my personality and difficulty communicating with peers. I felt the exact same way, "if I can't socialize, can I at least be pretty?" It seems like that was too big of a request for "God" to handle.
I've been fat since I was 10. I didn't understand why, all of a sudden, all of my peers didn't want to be seen with me anymore. Apparently, it's embarrassing to be seen with a fat person, which is why I was never/rarely invited to the mall, parties, sleepovers or other social events like other girls. I thought it was because I was too smart/weird for most people. Nope, it was the fact that I was the only middle school girl forced to wear elastic waisted pants because nothing else would fit me. D:
I'm a pear shape, it's the closest that looks like my body type, I would normally call myself a barrel shape. I long for the hourglass figure that so many other girls have. Hell, I'd be happier as a pencil-thin girl with no curves whatsoever because at least I wouldn't be fat anymore. Guys never make passes at me (in person anyway, online it's completely different. I feel that if it weren't for my photos on OkCupid only being from the waist-up, I'd probably be completely ignored there too) I'm completely worthless to them.
I'm tired of looking at books for that kind of stuff. Therapists are also full of s**t so I feel like, until I lose weight that I'll never genuinely feel good about myself. D:
07 Sep 2010, 3:45 pm
Erisad wrote:
lotusblossom wrote:
Ive always felt very bad about how I look. I wanted to look nice to make up for haveing a horrible personality. I always felt bad about my personality as I got into trouble with the teachers and other children and made my parents very cross. I could not make any of those people happy so wished I at least could look nice and obsessively focussed on trying to look nice. Since I was 10 Ive had ocd very long beauty rituals trying to correct my faults. I feel awful about how I look most of the time and have discust and panic at how I look. It is worse as I get older and how I look degrades further.
Its all from me though not other people as other people have not been particularly different to me when i was a 34-24-34 figure aged 21 to when i was 48-42-48 when I was 23 after putting on 84 lbs when I had my second child. People have not been different when I wear make up and when i dont and men have made 'passes' at me when i was at my fattest.
So I know it is all in my head and about me feeling a monster and despising myself. I must be focusing all my hatred at myself and my lack of social skills on how I look and trying to correct that as it is more accessable than my character.
I found Dr Lindas body book* helped me feel better about myself enough to be able to date again, but I probably need lots of intensive therapy to rid myself of it properly as its so ingrained and tied up with my core beleifs about myself.
* http://www.amazon.co.uk/Mirror-Linda-Pa ... =8-2-fkmr2
Its all from me though not other people as other people have not been particularly different to me when i was a 34-24-34 figure aged 21 to when i was 48-42-48 when I was 23 after putting on 84 lbs when I had my second child. People have not been different when I wear make up and when i dont and men have made 'passes' at me when i was at my fattest.
So I know it is all in my head and about me feeling a monster and despising myself. I must be focusing all my hatred at myself and my lack of social skills on how I look and trying to correct that as it is more accessable than my character.
I found Dr Lindas body book* helped me feel better about myself enough to be able to date again, but I probably need lots of intensive therapy to rid myself of it properly as its so ingrained and tied up with my core beleifs about myself.
* http://www.amazon.co.uk/Mirror-Linda-Pa ... =8-2-fkmr2
I do focus a bit on my appearance probably to draw away from my personality and difficulty communicating with peers. I felt the exact same way, "if I can't socialize, can I at least be pretty?" It seems like that was too big of a request for "God" to handle.
I've been fat since I was 10. I didn't understand why, all of a sudden, all of my peers didn't want to be seen with me anymore. Apparently, it's embarrassing to be seen with a fat person, which is why I was never/rarely invited to the mall, parties, sleepovers or other social events like other girls. I thought it was because I was too smart/weird for most people. Nope, it was the fact that I was the only middle school girl forced to wear elastic waisted pants because nothing else would fit me. D:
I'm a pear shape, it's the closest that looks like my body type, I would normally call myself a barrel shape. I long for the hourglass figure that so many other girls have. Hell, I'd be happier as a pencil-thin girl with no curves whatsoever because at least I wouldn't be fat anymore. Guys never make passes at me (in person anyway, online it's completely different. I feel that if it weren't for my photos on OkCupid only being from the waist-up, I'd probably be completely ignored there too) I'm completely worthless to them.
I'm tired of looking at books for that kind of stuff. Therapists are also full of sh** so I feel like, until I lose weight that I'll never genuinely feel good about myself. D:
you will still feel bad when your thin, people will still exclude you as you have aspergers. the feeling bad is about yourself, not your weight, the feeling bad will remain when the weight is gone.
07 Sep 2010, 3:58 pm
lotusblossom wrote:
Erisad wrote:
lotusblossom wrote:
Ive always felt very bad about how I look. I wanted to look nice to make up for haveing a horrible personality. I always felt bad about my personality as I got into trouble with the teachers and other children and made my parents very cross. I could not make any of those people happy so wished I at least could look nice and obsessively focussed on trying to look nice. Since I was 10 Ive had ocd very long beauty rituals trying to correct my faults. I feel awful about how I look most of the time and have discust and panic at how I look. It is worse as I get older and how I look degrades further.
Its all from me though not other people as other people have not been particularly different to me when i was a 34-24-34 figure aged 21 to when i was 48-42-48 when I was 23 after putting on 84 lbs when I had my second child. People have not been different when I wear make up and when i dont and men have made 'passes' at me when i was at my fattest.
So I know it is all in my head and about me feeling a monster and despising myself. I must be focusing all my hatred at myself and my lack of social skills on how I look and trying to correct that as it is more accessable than my character.
I found Dr Lindas body book* helped me feel better about myself enough to be able to date again, but I probably need lots of intensive therapy to rid myself of it properly as its so ingrained and tied up with my core beleifs about myself.
* http://www.amazon.co.uk/Mirror-Linda-Pa ... =8-2-fkmr2
Its all from me though not other people as other people have not been particularly different to me when i was a 34-24-34 figure aged 21 to when i was 48-42-48 when I was 23 after putting on 84 lbs when I had my second child. People have not been different when I wear make up and when i dont and men have made 'passes' at me when i was at my fattest.
So I know it is all in my head and about me feeling a monster and despising myself. I must be focusing all my hatred at myself and my lack of social skills on how I look and trying to correct that as it is more accessable than my character.
I found Dr Lindas body book* helped me feel better about myself enough to be able to date again, but I probably need lots of intensive therapy to rid myself of it properly as its so ingrained and tied up with my core beleifs about myself.
* http://www.amazon.co.uk/Mirror-Linda-Pa ... =8-2-fkmr2
I do focus a bit on my appearance probably to draw away from my personality and difficulty communicating with peers. I felt the exact same way, "if I can't socialize, can I at least be pretty?" It seems like that was too big of a request for "God" to handle.
I've been fat since I was 10. I didn't understand why, all of a sudden, all of my peers didn't want to be seen with me anymore. Apparently, it's embarrassing to be seen with a fat person, which is why I was never/rarely invited to the mall, parties, sleepovers or other social events like other girls. I thought it was because I was too smart/weird for most people. Nope, it was the fact that I was the only middle school girl forced to wear elastic waisted pants because nothing else would fit me. D:
I'm a pear shape, it's the closest that looks like my body type, I would normally call myself a barrel shape. I long for the hourglass figure that so many other girls have. Hell, I'd be happier as a pencil-thin girl with no curves whatsoever because at least I wouldn't be fat anymore. Guys never make passes at me (in person anyway, online it's completely different. I feel that if it weren't for my photos on OkCupid only being from the waist-up, I'd probably be completely ignored there too) I'm completely worthless to them.
I'm tired of looking at books for that kind of stuff. Therapists are also full of sh** so I feel like, until I lose weight that I'll never genuinely feel good about myself. D:
you will still feel bad when your thin, people will still exclude you as you have aspergers. the feeling bad is about yourself, not your weight, the feeling bad will remain when the weight is gone.
Most people can't tell I have Aspergers until I tell them/have a meltdown. I would like to have something else to beat myself up about for a change. Hell, I don't even know if I ever WILL succeed in weightloss. I've been fat for 11 years. If I were meant to be thin, I would have by now. I should go to dinner in an hour but I lost my appetite. Maybe if that happened more often, I wouldn't have this problem. Even my mother (who's fat herself) makes fun of me about my appetite. "Megan? Miss a meal? That's a riot." f*****g b***h. I swear, she wants me to fail.
Why can't I be someone else? Why did I have to be born so f*****g ugly and AS? God may think it's funny to make people like me and watch me fail but it's not. f**k God. He only caters to the white, attractive and the wealthy anyway.
