Aspergirls

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YES!! ! People always told me - before I really knew anything about Asperger's - that Aspies lacked empathy. I automatically assumed I didn't have it because I am empathetic - I just don't know how to express it! Now that I know more than most people (not being cocky, just saying) do about autism/Asperger's, I realize that I most likely have it.

For example, when I was in third grade this girl got hit in the face with a ball at recess. I felt bad but I laughed - when she was crying her face looked really funny. I still have that problem sometimes but I know not to laugh - all of her friends ganged up on me and yelled at me for laughing at her. It wasn't that I was being mean I just didn't understand how I was supposed to react. I have that issue now with emotional problems with my friends - if a friend is going on and on about an emotional issue she's going through, like a breakup, I usually just sit there - stoic. Or I dish out typical advice, "It's okay, he was a jerk anyway." I've never really been through some of the things my friends stress about so I don't know what to tell them.

I also agree with the sensory overload thing - if anyone hears a loud BANG he or she will instinctively cover his or her ears. That's basically what autism is - tuning out the stressful world.

"One thing I just remembered is that the book proposes that in ASD, the commonly-perceived 'lack of empathy' and similar traits are not actually that, but rather related to sensory overload."

A few others chimed in on this, but I want to, too. They're discovering more and more, scientifically, that AS and autism are caused by hyperactivity in certain parts of the brain that yes, means you see (and hear and touch and taste and smell) the physical world SO much more intensely than most people, and that it just takes up a lot of brain processing space and doesn't leave much focus for other things.

That's what I had been thinking for a while - but most people seem to think of autism as a behavior disorder rather than a neurological one. I don't want to get to science-y but it is a neurological that effects all aspects of development - personality, emotional, social, etc. The reason people with autism have a hard time interacting is because sensory issues take up so much time and energy.

Is there a way to teach someone how to express the appropriate emotions??? Like you said the girl got hit in the face and you laughed. That is not an appropriate response so then people look at you like you are evil, right? This has a negative affect on how others see you.

I ask because my daughter seems to show no sympathy at all when someone is hurt or crying. She does not seem sorry when she is the one that caused the pain. I wonder if she can't express her feeling or if she really does not care that she hurt someone? She is only 6 years old. Being empathic and sympathetic are good qualities to have....if you don't have these qualities people think you are selfish and mean. I don't want everyone to think these things about my daughter

[quote="my2crazygirls]Is there a way to teach someone how to express the appropriate emotions??? Like you said the girl got hit in the face and you laughed. That is not an appropriate response so then people look at you like you are evil, right? This has a negative affect on how others see you.

I ask because my daughter seems to show no sympathy at all when someone is hurt or crying. She does not seem sorry when she is the one that caused the pain. I wonder if she can't express her feeling or if she really does not care that she hurt someone? She is only 6 years old. Being empathic and sympathetic are good qualities to have....if you don't have these qualities people think you are selfish and mean. I don't want everyone to think these things about my daughter [/quote]

In the case of you're daughter - I'm not really sure, since I've never met her - but she probably does FEEL sympathy or empathy, she just cannot express it. Or she might not feel sympathy or empathy because she hasn't experienced what the other person is feeling and doesn't know how to react to their pain.

When my friends are really upset about something I seem kind of stoic - it's not because I don't feel bad for them, I understand their pain, I just don't know what kind of response to give. If I give a response it's usually very "rehearsed." Sympathy/Empathy is not something you can teach, the expression of those feelings is what you can teach.

For your daughter social stories might be really helpful. I use those on some of the kids I work with. And - although this may sound really difficult - the best teaching can be through personal experience. My experience of laughing at somebody crying and getting yelled at by a bunch of third-grade girls was rough at the time but it was a great lesson. From that moment on I knew not to do that anymore. If you use a social story and draw out appropriate responses to situations or simply explain things to say to make a person feel better or show that you care about them your daughter will probably learn to react appropriately.

People often think theory of mind is the same thing as empathy. Theory of mind is what most people with autism truly lack - it's hard for them to take into perspective that other people have a different outlook on certain things than them. They can feel subtle things like their emotions, but they have trouble communicating. When someone lacks empathy, they truly do not feel another person's pain. Sometimes people with autism get overwhelmed with information - like if they've hurt someone or if someone is showing a great deal of emotion - and that is why they withdrawl. And some folks like me just have an extremely difficult time expressing themselves.

I'm sure that the author means well and wants to help women.

However, I find the word "empower" more than slightly offensive.

The word "empower" seems to suggest that people are "deficient" from the get-go and therefore need someone to power them up in order to "achieve the required results".

What about motivation that comes from within?

Suggesting that people need to be "empowered" by an external "force" kind of devalues the power that comes from within. It underestimates people's internal resources. The word "empower" paints a picture of "Blue Sky Thinkers" gathering round a flip chart. It also draws to mind the image of the "Blue Fairy" from Pinocchio "empowering" the wooden puppet to become a "real boy" at the touch of her magic wand. Except in this analogy, it would be wooden "dolls" being "empowered" to become "real girls". Where is a "fairy godmotherz" when you need one?

Truthfully, I never wanted to be "empowered" to do anything by anyone else.
I like solo work. Call me selfish, but I feel most satisfied when I do stuff on my own.

Also, I already know how I process sensory information and how I think (I've lived in my body for over twenty years, after all). I never really needed a book to tell me this.

The trouble is, I can research in scientific detail how my brain my be "different" from the norm and learn all sorts of technical pyschological terms, but that doesn't really help me to talk to people in the shopping centre or in the pub. It would seem selfish and elitist to talk about "special brains" or "empowerment" in these situations.

In my experience, people are surprised and disappointed if you don't agree with them or think like they do. The misunderstanding occurs both ways. It's nobody's fault, it's just how people are.

Empowerment seems like an empty word to me: it promises a lot, but delivers very little.
It also "preaches to the choir".

I do what I do when I can. That's enough for me.

I've just read this book.

I do feel empathy, but cannot express it. I've never been one for emotions - as a kid I had a deadpan neutral face, which now I realise would have come across quite badly (snob, etc). Have had to learn this one the hard way through school, and only picked up on it in the last few years.

There was one page where an aspergirl was discussing how her partner\husband cared for her during her depressive times - bringing food, dressing etc. I just went through that 6 months ago, and realise now what a special guy I have in my life. He was in tears trying to help me, and at that point, I hadn't talked to him for over a week.

I did feel a bit sad reading the 'notes for parents' sections, mine never really cared, overlooked all the bully issues ("just smile and be polite to the other girls....")etc. I mentioned the possibility of having AS to my mum, and she told me outright that I didn't. I fail to understand how she could possibly miss it, but then she hasn't really ever been involved in my life. (I was pretty much left alone while my parents fought and worked, not a happy childhood)

I have the same problem - people always ask me "are you okay?" or tell me I look angry all the time. I guess I have a generally stern look on my face all the time. I try to "regulate" it and look more pleasant but that takes a lot of energy.

I've wanted this book for a while, I tried looking for it in town the other day but none of the book stores or library's seem to have much in the way of books on Asperger's. I have however pointed it out to my boyfriend twice now, including once in reference to birthday gifts.

I have a feeling it might make me mad in the sense of 'why did no one pick up on this with me' etc. and if there are religious undertones that'll bug me too, we'll see how it goes.

I like how that's put.
Sometimes I lack empathy, sometimes I'm overwhelmed so withdraw.
It is also impossible for me to take into perspective that other people have different outlooks, and feelings, and thoughts of their own, and free-will - as a child people were just things, it didn't occur to me that they were like me with thoughts and feelings, as an adult I do understand that people are like me but just find it hard to accept their views in my own world.

yeah, it's definitely different for everybody, but I truly think autism/asperger's causes us to be overwhelmed with dealing with sensory issues that it makes us withdrawl. Sometimes we truly do lack empathy - but then again everybody does at times.

By the way I just got Aspergirls in the mail - I'm really excited but I agree, I'll probably be angry at the fact that no one ever noticed it in me before - my parents sort of did but I guess since I did well in school and had a few friends and didn't really act out they didn't worry about it.

It's not that bad. It's just explains her experiences and has snippets of what others had written to her through her website.

I highly recommend this book! I gave it to my best friend and mother to read too. See it asap!

I haven't gotten the book yet but Rudy has some really good videos on Youtube where she spoke at AS conferences. Most of what she said sank in pretty deep and rang true. Looking forward to getting Apergirls but I already have too many books on the way from Amazon!
As far as empathy, I come across as very very cold but I am in shutdown state. Like when our dog (who I had for 10 years) died, my husband and one son are hysterical in tears and me and my AS son are sitting on the floor staring at the wall. They were acting like we didn't FEEL it. Although you can't compare how much more or less we felt it, I know we felt it but could not process it like they could (effectively and immediatley).

I love Rudy and respect her deeply. I *know* Rudy from online and she's awesome, genuine, funny, thoughtful and definitely a woman. The book is great. She has written it from her perspective so I think everyone needs to take that into account. It's not meant to be an expert tome on diagnostic criteria for women on the spectrum. I found the book "empowering" and don't take issue with that. Rudy makes some suggestions in the book that don't suit my life but have worked for her and I think she has no agenda to suggest what works for her will work for every woman on the spectrum.

My favourite part of the book was the part that read (paraphrasing) that "just because we want to line up our 64 colour box of crayons according to hue doesn't mean we don't want to use them". It was a giant lightbulb moment for me because I DID THAT and used to be very uncomfortable if my crayons were in the wrong order. Those metallic ones always pissed me off because even though they were the coolest crayons, they didn't really "fit" in anywhere so had to go at the end.

Rudy's website is at http://www.help4aspergers.com and Aspergirls is also on Facebook.

I buy all my books from bookdepository.com (free shipping anywhere in the world). I think I paid $19 for my copy of Aspergirls and bought two.

I'm actually reading it and it really makes so much sense. I think that book is helping understand why I have made some of my decisions in friendship and otherwise! I think it is a good basis book to discover how we girls with AS are different than boys with AS!