AS women and expressing emotions

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happiness and anger yes quite clearly, but sadness, disappointment, loss I find very difficult to show or articulate. I rarely cry. In the space of a year I have lost my best friend and also split up with me ex. Sometimes I feel lonely and unsupported but then for a lot of NTs if you dont manifest your emotions same way they would then they assume you arent really having a tough time about it.

I've always been told either that I don't show any emotion, or that I look angry all the time, even if I am perfectly happy. I never look happy in photographs because I have to force a smile (apparently I'm just supposed to be happy "on cue?"). People tend to think I am very aloof and emotionless, unless I fly into a rage. Unfortunately, anger and frustration seem to be my most easily-expressed emotions. On the other hand, I'm usually good to have around in a crisis because I don't freak out the way a lot of people of my age and gender do.

Hmm......


Some people say that my face is expressive, and I guess it's true. But as far as verbally expressing my emotions, I find it pretty difficult. It takes a long time for me to really know or understand my feelings. But I've gotten better at it over the years.

I have a hard time expressing my emotions because most of the time I don't even know how I'm feeling or what my facial expressions look like at a given moment...only people like my mum and my sister know me well enough to understand my expressions.

Visually, my face is emotionally expressive. I have concluded this primarily by catching glimpses of my face in the mirror whilst talking to others, then becoming aware of the physical sensation (of pulling/stretching etc) as my face expresses an emotion, plus, by analysing the reactions of my NT daughter when she reads my emotion displayed on my face, before I have a conscious awareness of my own emotion (that is she knows my emotion before I do!!).

I prefer to think and write (both repetitively) about my emotions, rather than verbally express my emotions to others. I have had to work hard learning to verbally express my emotions to those who are important to me (i.e. my husband and 1 girl-friend). It was my natural state to internalise my emotions remaining silent, rather, than opening up and talking to people about how I feel.

Understanding/identifying my emotions has been a life-long process of work for me, it is not intuitive. I have formed my emotional knowledge by reflecting, analysing, and writing (I have a sense of fulfilment/enlightenment, when I finally understand my emotions as generated by social interactions.) Periodically, this process is my "narrow obsessive special interest" and I can spend hours and hours, in solitude, thinking and writing. But it is all about trying to work out/understand my emotions, I rely on other people explicitly telling me "how they are feeling".

Normally, I'm fairly expressionless towards most people unless I am depressed or stressed. Then I will show those emotions pretty strongly. Well even if I'm not depressed or stressed, people will tend to think I am because of my flat expression. It seems that NT women are expected to be expressive, and if there not then something is going on which is dumb. Sometimes I wonder if people think I am going through cronic depression?

I feel like I wear all my emotions on my sleeve - but apparently my facial expressions and tone of voice rarely match what I'm feeling - and are usually interpreted negatively - like I'm angry or distant or aloof or whatever, even if that's the opposite of what I'm actually feeling. Confuses the hell out of me - I have a hard enough time interpreting other people without them constantly misinterpreting me on top of it!

I'm also highly expressive, but possibly to exaggeration because I've mainly learned what facial expressions look like from cartoons and kiddie shows like Sesame Street. I am also a cartoonist and my characters also show a lot of expression, being they're sort of a cross between Disney and anime. So when I'm really happy or sad or disgusted it's so apparent you can see it from outer space. I don't just cry when I'm really sad but sometimes also when I see something really beautiful or hear really sad or beautiful music. I get that "choked-up" feeling NT people say they have when they fall in love, only in my case it's when I see tiny adorable baby animals or some types of classical music with "nature sounds" put together. But it must make me look like a character out of a sitcom sometimes. I wish I was the star of a sitcom. But situation comedies have lost a lot of the "comedy" part these days and in Canada they've nearly always stunk for some reason even though many famous comedians are from Canada and went down to the States where they became famous like Micheal J. Fox and Jim Carrey. But I've digressed. It's clear as ice to other people how I'm feeling but I can't always tell what they're feeling. Sad? Tired? Angry? Bored? Dead?

I do not feel comfortable expressing emotions unless I am around family or a friend I have known for a long time. If I cry in front of someone I do not know that well it is a really big deal and means that I am very upset because I dislike showing much emotion in front of people. People often tell me I smile a lot since I greet people in the hallways at work and smile, but then on the other hand boyfriends in the past have had trouble comprehending what I am feeling or thinking. I have been criticized by co-workers for having a flat affect and for being difficult to get to know, These co-workers made me uncomfortable and they seemed to be the mean junior high type of women that did not accept another female unless they "fit their particular mold." Other times in my life if I feel comfortable around my co-workers I do ok and although I may be seen as a quiet and even tempered person, I am usually seen as a hard worker and appreciated.

Something that is confusing to me includes that in the past I glance at someone and the person states "why did you give me a dirty look?" I honestly just happened to glance at the person and maybe to me I was feeling confused and the person misunderstands me and thinks I gave them a dirty look.