Very Indelicate Question for Ladies (Adult Content)

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Wow, thanks for posting this. I thought it was just me...sigh. It seems my mind always has so many things running through it, like survival mode, that I forget. I have to say that the ONLY thing that really helps me is to put some music on and have a drink. If not, my husband, the poor soul, is the one who will hint throughout the day in the hopes that I remember...sigh.

Well, I'm glad at least that it is not just me.

*sigh*

So I pick him up at the airport today. I've got everything in gear. We get home 20 minutes ahead of the kids...

...and he wanders off.

So I walk the dog, check email to find out what time soccer practice is...

...and when we finally get around to doing it (DD11 is now watching the kids while she's supposed to be doing homework), he tells me he just wants to snuggle, then proceeds to mount me, then asks me 57 times if it was good enough, then proceeds to b***h me out because I wasn't good enough.

Evidently movement isn't good enough. Evidently he wants more noises. Even though the door is open and the kids are all home and awake.

Evidently he really wanted to go home with the cute 20-something bartender on Miami Beach. Guess my friends are right-- he doesn't tell me about all the times he's tempted because he's asking for forgiveness-- he tells me about all the times he's tempted to put pressure on me. I guess he thought it would be different with her. Maybe not just for a night or two-- maybe forever.

Gee-- and I wonder why I have no sex drive. Maybe because sex is just another performance in which I do not measure up????

I love that man. But I HATE A LOT OF THINGS THAT MAN DOES. I am tired of feeling inadequate, feeling worthless, feeling like a taker and a burden and a problem. I have given and given and given-- not a word about some of the abuse I've been through, because I am not to discuss it (hurts his feelings, makes him feel threatened and ashamed) and anyway it is not fair to whine as it would not have happened if I had not brought it on myself by damaging him by failing to think and behave according to expectations for an NT woman.

In about six years, our youngest will be old enough that family court will have to acknowledge her voice no matter what stereotypes they want to believe about me.

I wouldn't ask for alimony or child support or anything like that. I'll pay him back the money he's spent to support me over the years. It might take me a while as I don't think I'll be able to earn much more than minimum wage, but I will pay back every penny of what it's cost him to feed and house and doctor me. With interest. And I won't deduct the eight years I spent feeding and housing and doctoring him, or the five semesters of out-of-state tuition I covered after he ran out of student loans.

Do you guys think that maybe, if I had a couple of therapists testify about my parenting, made a full disclosure of the verbal, emotional, and sexual abuse I've been through, and got a good lawyer, I might be able to get custody of the kids if indeed they wanted to go with me????

(edited cause I posted before reading to the end of the thread. That'll teach me!)

That sounds like a whole lot of stuff going on for you, BB. Keen to come back and give my thoughts, but am going to put dinner on first.

Just want to ask why on earth would you want to pay back everything he paid to support you? Presumably you have been raising children and supporting him too? That counts towards maintaining the marriage, you know.

And if your kids are entitled to child support, he needs to pay it. Sounds like if he doesn't have paperwork telling him to, he may not contribute or support the kids?

Ok, dinner needs to be made, be back later lol.

M/s he simply takes what he needs when he does

Aspire single parent.... I have 4 children from 3 different women (birth control is a joke) and I understand/accept that I could never be a good parent by myself. I don't have the emotional capacity to meet my children's needs on my own. I'm not saying you are anything like me, but in my case, paying child support (lots) is worth not screwing up my kids.

BuyerBeware,I think you don`t have good communication with your husband.Sex should not be an obligation,it should be enjoyment.Sure exists something that can turn you on.Try to read some books about it,try new techniques,watch porn......Try to find what you really want in sex,and experiment with your husband.But it won`t help(it can be even counter-productive)if you don`t have an open comunication with him.Sex is what you make of it.

Wow...it takes all kinds to make a world, doesn't it? You are trying to find a way to "remember" to have sex. And here I am, 8+ years with no sex, thinking about it all the time and being profoundly concerned that I may never have sex again. Nope, I can't imagine NOT wanting it.

I know you're looking for advice for your specific situation. I'm just wondering if there are times, even if it's once a year, when you're really hungry for sex?

It helps me want more sex, the more I look after myself, and feel myself being attractive. When it comes to going under the sheets, it's very important to find myself attractive as it is to find my mate attractive. I bought myself some cute wedges from Nordstrom recently. It helps if our partner reinforces our attractiveness, too, but I can't control that. Well, I can.

I’m tempted to say something about that , but I’m not sure it belongs in the “Women’s Discussion” forum. In any event, I suppose you can have sex and know it, but you still have standards.

Somebody back there nailed it-- communication in this relationship is SHOT. TO. HELL.

I get conflicting, mutually exclusive statements.

I think either he's like his father-- nothing he or anyone else can do, have, or achieve is ever going to be good enough-- or he just needs/wants someone else. Has always needed and wanted someone else, was young and lonely and idealistic and fell in love, not with who I was, but with the ideal of who I could be if his love helped me reach my potential.

Maybe that's the danger of marrying young (and we were young-- 20 and 18 when we met, 23 and 21 when we got married). You have boundless idealism and little experience.

He swears he loves me. I don't know how I feel any more.

I know I go all-out (fully shaved, temporary tattoos, put the kids to bed early and surprise him) on Tuesday...

...only to wake up Friday to, "I guess I just need to get used to living in a sexless marriage."

WTF?!?!

I don't have a problem with making myself remember to "do it."

I don't have a problem with putting effort into keeping it fresh, fun, and exciting.

I don't have a problem with wriggling around and making noises like I'm enjoying myself.

I DO have a problem with every encounter being a performance that is never, will never be, can never be good enough.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I'm in a similar situation (no sex drive, no desire to initiate even as a "gift" due to zero motivation and trust, husband who is depressed due to lack of intimacy...) but, still, I know that my husband wants things to get better between us, because he does not try to make me feel "less than" for not being into it. He tells me how he feels, he asks what he can do, etc, but he doesn't try to guilt me or make me jealous.

Do you think that he wants things to be better, "with YOU," and would just hope to be able to have sex with you in a way that makes you both happy? Or do you think he wants things to be better "for HIMSELF," sexually, and is just pressuring you because he would prefer for that to be with you (but, the focus is on him being "fulfilled," not on your relationship getting better)?

If it is the first, maybe some kind of marriage therapy would help? But, if it is the second, then I don't think anything would help, because from what I know, marriage therapy only helps if both people want things to be better, for the other person too.

You've put more in than I ever would. It would make me want to puke to go through with faking things (but, then, I have my own issues).

I guess I'd ask you, what are you getting out of this relationship, besides the comfort of consistency and the security of knowing you're with the kids? It's a question I have to ask myself often, so I understand if it's a hard one to answer. Because if those are the only reasons, then, someday, through time, there can be a new "consistency" either alone, or with someone who cares for your comfort. The kids, I understand, is what makes it harder and more scary. In my situation, I know that I would have my children (my husband has told me outright that if our marriage were to fail, he'd know they were better off with me full time.) I have no idea what I'd do, under the fear that I wouldn't have them. Do you have the resources to consult a custody lawyer quietly, just to ask them the "what-ifs" about what might happen if you were to leave? If not, is there free or sliding fee legal aid that you have access to, just to ask questions? I haven't ever had to use it, but I know that some areas have resources like that.

I can't help but wonder [directed towards the OP] if your hubby did a lot more work around the house and such, as well as being more affectionate with you, would that increase your libido by any amount?

This entire thread is really making me feel quite sad as much of this is something I have experienced from the male side of the equation. It has been hard not to comment before, especially given my recent history with my now estranged wife. However, I feel I have to right now and risk coming across as being somewhat bitter.

My wife was pretty much in a similar position to the OP and any others who post here, in that I wasn't exactly high on her priority list and was made to feel more like a burden to her. I did most of the housework (aside from cook and laundry - things I couldn't do because I was at work). My affection was rebuffed completely aside from a quick peck before and after work and a hug in the morning. Intimacy? Sex? I just stopped asking or hinting, it was better that way. No arguments.

So. being a work slave as well as when I get home being a house work slave + trying to be more affectionate and not chase for intimacy or sex over a few years did nothing to change the underlying libido thing.

... it's all a pretty sad state of affairs.

In my case I just felt unappreciated, undesirable and totally taken advantage of.

Did I mention my wife and I are now split up? This stuff was simply one aspect of why out of several. But it was a large part of it.

Hmm... told you it would come across as bitter...

Mordin-- But, if the choices are 1) You are rebuffed, and unhappy, because you are respecting her sexual distance 2) you do not respect her sexual distance, and, like OP, your wife feels uncomfortable and pushed upon, and very unhappy sexually, or 3) you separate, because when together there is no way for both partners to be happy sexually, isn't separating the better choice? I mean, if it is a personality distance. If she's just not the kind of person who is into it, and you are, so there is no way for either of you to be happy, I would hope you wouldn't have been happy if she were "forcing herself" and faking it like OP has felt like she had to?

The only way that I can see things working out differently is if there is a non-personality reason for the sexual distance--broken trust, health issues, etc. Then, with understanding from the partner who "wants it" and work on the relationship (or healing for health issues), I could see things changing and being salvaged. But, if the two partners just aren't compatible personality-wise in that way, that is a pretty big gulf to bridge. I don't think it's right for either partner to feel forced or guilted into it. That's just a recipe for resentment on the end of the person who feels "forced," and bitterness from the person who's stuck in the role of the "forcer". Not exactly a recipe for a healthy marriage, no, but I don't see it as either partner being wrong. Just incompatible in that way.

I can’t imagine receiving sex as a “gift” and not being very grateful and making it clear. Besides, if it’s a “gift”, I wouldn’t want the woman to fake an orgasm.

Wow, there's a lot of stuff going on in this relationship. Unfortunately I could have written about 80% of the same. I didn't know other people had this same experience. I haven't found an answer in my case except that I wouldn't mind if he wanted a girlfriend to fill the void a little. I definitely daydream about being single so no one could put the married demands on me. I wish I could offer good advice but I thnk the issue is much deeper than setting a phone alarm to remind you. I hope you're able to find a good solution.