Do you have a red flag list?

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Yes it's kind of like that. I think I must have an actual wiring problem with being able to think back on past experiences. It goes to one extreme or the other, either I do it obsessively, or I feel like I just can't relate anything from the past to the present moment.

I think the most important thing is to really trust your feelings about people. If something really feels off, it probably is. Not necessarily that they are a bad person, but maybe they are bad *for you*.

I've always had good instincts about people, but a lot of times haven't trusted my feelings because I couldn't find a logical reason for them. And eventually I would find out the reason for my feelings and wish I had paid attention.

The biggest red flag for me is if I feel subtly belittled by a person and can't figure out why. Especially if I am questioning a lot of things they said and wondering what they really meant by it.

Someone who's influenced and persuaded by people who are mean and manipulative. I just wouldn't be able to trust them because they could turn into someone who isn't so nice or somehow be turned against me.

Someone who plays mind games or says things that don't add up.

Someone who seems desperate because they might just want to be with someone so that they don't feel lonely.

Someone who's overly confident because it could be a sign that they don't have a conscience.

Someone who seems to have anger issues.

Someone who seems to put me under pressure to do things I'm not ready for.

Last edited by slw1990 on 01 Nov 2015, 2:33 pm, edited 1 time in total.

These are all very good things to watch out for, and in my experience sexist or gender-biased attitudes are a HUGE warning sign that things won't go well for me with a person.

Was just thinking, some of the most sexist people I've known have been women, not men, female friends who were very rigid in their ideas about how women are supposed to be. And it wasn't obvious at first, it just slipped out more and more in conversations, until it got to the point where I felt like they were judging the hell out of me for everything I said or did.

Also when a guy goes out of his way to tell me how much he respects women, or likes to see women be assertive or independent or whatever, and trying to show me how sensitive and caring and "feminine" he is, that's always turned out bad too. I mean when a man is just trying to flip the traditional gender roles so he can take the female role, and the woman can take the male role, and seems to think that is somehow being modern and progressive. It just means they are stuck in gender dichotomies. And sometimes underlying that, it means the guy is looking for a "strong" woman to take care of him.

On another note, I saw a nurse practitioner recently who had unbelievably sexist attitudes. I was telling her about the stress in my job, and my menstrual and hormonal problems, and she actually told me I needed to act more like a man and "grow a set." I reported her to the state nursing board.

Indeed--because I don't (and never really did) conform to stereotypical "femininity" I have been judged very harshly by other women in my life (mostly in school, but not exclusively). I always found it especially disappointing because, naive as I was, I assumed most girls wanted to break out of those old stereotypes like I did and felt surprised and betrayed to find out that was not so, even among my own school friends. They were still more concerned with winning approval from boys, when I just wanted to learn how to be true to how I felt inside. Most of my friends also found my disinterest in babies "disturbing" and I know judged me very harshly for that, like there was something wrong with me because I didn't want to practice being a mommy--when they were all making extra money after school babysitting I was delivering flyers (I always preferred to be outside), playing softball, and climbing trees.

This is such a good, thought-provoking thread; I realize that this is one of my biggest handicaps that has plagued me my whole life. I am unable to tell much about a person based upon their previous/current actions. I feel this is one of the major reasons we (HFAs) have inappropriate friendships.

I have two that tend to serve me well; judgmental, and delusional. Neither are very pleasant to be around for any length of time, and tend to be markers for underlying issues.

^A small list of easily noticeable traits, that's not head melting.

Out of curiosity, did anyone learn about these red flags the easy way? Because it seems to mostly be experience-based lists.

Nope. But it would be great if the warning signs for domestic violence were discussed with teens in school.

The pity ploy is a huge red flag for me. I want everyone to feel good. Before I understood how certain types of people operate, I would fall for the pity ploy-hook, line and sinker. Now that I am aware of the (manipulative) aspects of the behavior, I stay away from such people because, I can easily fall into their trap. They see vulnerability in nurturing, happy people. I've read some really enlightening books. 'Without Conscience', by Robert Hare, 'The Sociopath Next Door', by Martha Stout, and 'Snakes in Suits', by Paul Babiak & Robert Hare.

I have Without Conscience--it was a very enlightening book. The only way to avoid/protect oneself from such people is to learn to recognise them early on so you don't let them in to your life in the first place.

Now might just be a good time to some reading up, and I was looking for a genre of book that would hold my attention, by comparison to the many I have lost interest in half way through. I read 'Without Conscience' a few years ago, and it was a bizarre experience, because I started to see antisocial traits in my own environment, and then I thought I seen them in myself. It was a confusing few years, certain parts of that timeframe still don't make sense, or I am still blocked from thinking about it all, I'm not sure.

I like Ralph Waldo Emerson.

Do you mean something like this?

- When someone comments on something you are supposed to have said, and you have no recollection of having said that thing, and this happens repeatedly.
- When someone needs to always be slightly smarter, faster, tougher, more popular than everybody else to be happy.
- When someone overexplains - comes up with ridiculously complicated explanations for failing to do something that really wasn't important (alcoholics do this a lot).
- When someone tries to involve you in shit-talking someone else, or do something illegal or mean.

In general: when being with someone makes you like yourself less than you did before hanging out with that person.

I don't agree totally with that Emerson quote.

Okay, Ill stop guessing then

What aspects of Emerson's work do you like/believe are relevant in this situation?