Is Intercourse Satisfying?

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Androbot, growing up a tomboy in a house-ful of boys, I tend to get along better with men than with (NT) women (despite being NT myself). I can tell you that I have never felt coerced into having sex with any of my male friends. I am married now, so that's out of the question, but even when I was single, I just didn't have that experience that you do. I really think it would be a good idea for you to reevaluate this "friendship" if you feel obligated to have sex with this guy or else... I also don't think you'd be alone if this guy broke off your relationship. The world is a huge place and there are 7 billion people on Earth. You are sure to find someone else - male or female - who is a better friend than this guy is.

If you really worry, then try to expand your social circle a little at a time. One day, you WILL find other reliable, trustworthy and good friends, and can let this guy go. IMO, regardless of whether you are male or female, if you don't want to do something and feel coerced into doing so, then the other person has no respect for you and lack of respect is doom for any normal relationship, including deep friendships.

If there was an option in the poll for "it's usually satisfying if it's done right", then I would have chosen that.

I understood your title as an actual question, and didn't realise there was a subtext.

I don't like it when I see people being used by others for their own agenda, I like it even less when there are double standards.

Yet, it seems to me that you have an arrangement with this man, one where you both benefit from it in different ways.
I don't know what your options are nor do I have to live your reality so all things being relative I don't think anyone elses judgement could be relevant or accurate.

Dont harm yourself by doing things that you dont want to do androbot, you are a good person who works hard and cares for her Mum, be kind to yourself.

I almost voted for "sexual intercourse alone is satisfying" but then I realize you mean alone as opposed to combined with oral sex, not alone as in just me.

Thanks for all the input. And yes there is a "subtext" to my question. I guess I wonder if anyone else is in a similar relationship. I feel the trade of sex for friendship is making me a cold person. Perhaps I will take steps to remove myself from the situation. I am terribly fearful of being alone, though.
I notice someone else voted for never satisfying. I'm glad I'm not the only one.
I just have a long history of male friends moving away from me if I am not interested in sex with them. I have sort of gotten the impression that this is the only interest men have in me.

Androbot, I am severely limited in my post length so this will be short and sweet. I wonder how you define "friends". I am asking because there is ZERO obligation to have sex in a truly platonic friendship. As I said before, I get along better with men than with (NT) women, and your experience raises a lot of questions in my mind. Are you maybe misreading men who have a sexual interest in you as potential "friends" and then becoming disappointed when they either disappear when you show no interest in jumping into bed with them or insist on becoming "friends with benefits" (which is really an insulting term as true friendship has no real expectations, especially not sexual) ? I think you should start expanding your social circle first a little at a time, and make other friends while slowly reducing the amount of time you spend with him / around him. Eventually, when you feel confident and capable that you can either make it alone or you have made other platonic friends, you can "lose" this guy. I also suggest - if you like the company of men - to look into making friends with gay men. You will get the benefit of drama-free friendships with men AND they will look at you like you're a sister or a cousin. Win-win all around. Good luck !

Yes, I think so.

I think you are right. The thought terrifies me as I have had a lot of loss in my life and seem to have no stability except for my mother and step-mother. I don't know. He's been in my life longer now than any non-family member. But life takes you where it wants. I'm going to be moving into my room soon and will presumably get to know my roommate. I don't know how long I will be there as I am on the housing list and hope to get a permanent place in the next 2 or three years. Who knows, she and I may get along. She's a bit straight though. I know I'm going to have to go outside to smoke. Never mind the marijuana. Fortunately, we have a 420 Session here, so I can get a membership and smoke there.

FWB is just code word for only sex. I was tricked with that once.

I wouldn't need see to be friends with someone. Certainly wouldn't do it if it wasn't mutual.

Sorry this is happening to you Ann

Thanks sly. *hugs*

I had a FWB sort of relationship once and it wasn't like this at all. I never felt like I was pressured or coerced into having sex. I never felt like I was trading sex for friendship. And yes the sex was satisfying. I just didn't have strong romantic feelings for him. And the more I got to know him I saw a lot of character traits that put me off. At one point I thought maybe the sex had screwed up our friendship. But it turned out whether we had sex or not made no difference at all. He was just prone to being a jerk about certain things.

I have had other friendships with men though where they tried to coerce me into having sex with them. They were sneaky about it so I could be slow to catch on. I mean I might pick up on the underlying meaning but have no idea how to respond to it. Like one guy would offer to buy me very expensive gifts. He had always talked about wanting to date me so that really set off alarm bells. I knew what he really meant, but I would always turn it down very nicely as if it was a sincerely generous offer from a friend. I didn't know how to respond to the subtext, I only knew how to respond to what he said, which has always been a problem for me. Eventually he told me directly that he wanted to f**k me and that ended the friendship.

Another told me flat out that he was paying another woman to have sex with him. He said she had trouble paying her bills so this was his way of helping her out. If I knew then what I know now I would have gotten up and left and never talked to him again. I figured he was just sharing something about himself with me (which reminds me again of the invaluable thread here, about how NTs "do things" with conversation while autists tend to just offer information for its own sake.) As time went on I had a growing suspicion that he wanted to pay me for sex as well but he was so indirect it was hard to confirm my theory. Then one day he asked me if I wanted to see his RV out back, and grabbed my arm to start walking me back there. The physical contact finally made it clear what this was about so at that point I left and never saw him again.

I was not physically attracted to either of those men. If I had been, I would have been all over them. So I guess it was just hard for me to understand why they kept trying to "negotiate" something sexual with me.

As creepy and rude as both of those men turned out to be, I still miss their friendship. That was in my early 20s so has been many years ago but I still think about them sometimes and miss their company. One was my MJ buddy as well. We would get high and listen to music together. That was the last time I toked up regularly and I guess part of the reason why I stopped was because it reminded me of that. No other friendship has ever taken the place of those, but that's just how it is with me. Once I form a real bond with someone, it is irreplaceable. But lines were crossed and they disrespected me. So I had to cut those ties and move on.

I have had similar experiences. It's a great friendship and then it gets sexual and that's the end of it. (Or not, if it becomes sexual.) This happened with one of my first real friends at high school. I still think of him sometimes.

How does an "FWB" actually work ? Does one of two suddenly decide one day to just have sex with their "friend", even when there are NO tender feelings involved ? "Friendship" does mean that you two have some basic compatibility and common interests, and it is absolutely true that many deep friendships do develop into romantic relationships (IMO, the best place to find your partner is to look for him among you friends !) but how can a mere "friendship" - without deep and mutual attraction - move on to include sex in some sort of a bizarre packaged deal ? Is "sex" something that people just do / have ? Like consuming Starbucks coffee or going to the matinee show every Friday ?

I suspect that an "FWB" doesn't "just happen". One or both must have harboured some unspoken attraction for the other from the start, "settled" for a "friendship", when it becomes apparent that the other party does not like them "in that way", and then - months down the line - jumped their "friend" unexpectedly and kept on jumping them until having sex became a part of the "friendship" ? I honestly cannot fathom the alternative -- guy or gal walking up to their best friend, and saying, "Hey, I am bored today, how about getting some Starbucks, catching the matinee, then going home and having sex ?"

Not really. Some people find sex important so if one doesn't ever want to have sex, then it would make them incompatible.

It took me a while to enjoy intercourse. The problem is I just got bored during it and I never liked skin against my bare skin especially if it gets sweaty, I don't like having it when the room is hot. Just as long as I am talking to my husband and the room isn't hot and my husband isn't naked, intercourse doesn't matter and I only like having it when I am laying down. I never liked doggy style or other positions and it's all boring and uncomfortable and I find it exhausting to having to move my body during it because it's a chore and it's like working out. I could live on without having it but I have it because it's important to my husband. For years I would avoid doing things that would turn him on or else he would want sex and I didn't want it so I found ways to avoid it and I would even avoid being in the same room with him or else he would have gotten turned on and want sex. So for years I would live in the same apartment but never go in my own bedroom where he is or he could get turned on and want to have sex. I look back and see "now what was the whole point in that relationship if you are spending your time in it avoiding your partner because they could get turned on and want to have sex? And there you are watching what you do that your partner finds sexual so you won't do that act. Oh I better not wear this around him or he will get turned on and want to have sex. I better not do this in front of him or he might get turned on and want to have sex." This was my life. That might sound incompatible but the reason why I am with him is because he accepted me and loves me the way I am and is very understanding I might not find another man like him. And he doesn't want sex all the time and he can't have it all the time anyway or else he will get too sore and when he has been on his feet for too long, he isn't able to have it anyway and his sex drive isn't high and I think it was only high then because I wouldn't have it with him. Then once I started to let him have it with me, his drive went down.

This is similar to my experience. Back when I was married if I didn't have sex with him on a regular basis he would become snippy and unpleasant.

Err...that sometimes happens in committed romantic relationships / marriages, but sex is normally NOT part of the deal in FRIENDSHIPS ! ! Unless I am missing something here ???

And even in marriages, differences in sex drives or one partner's disinterest in sex is not always a deal breaker. So I don't see how it can finish off a "friendship" when its presence in the first place is a big ???