Dating, naiv, reading the mind of a guy

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Cool.

My guy friendships always turn to sex which has disappointed me as I very much valued their friendship, but it wasn't enough for them.

I think a lot of people are interested mostly in sex, regardless of gender, and that is fine.

Some see dating and hooking-up as the same thing, I think that is what tinder is for.

I was in a long term relationship until last summer, I'm terrified of dating again. I'm unsure if I even want to be honest, especially if it means dating an NT, they make zero sense.
I couldn't really give a crap about sex itself, it's only interesting to me if I have strong feelings for the person already in place. Other people are different though and that is ok, I'd just like them to wear a sign letting me know. Maybe a little yellow star of something...
oops...

I am now seeing someone, it does not going exactly how I would like but it's only early days. But that's another thing to remember, the fact something didn't work out doesn't mean he was only interested in sex to begin with. Not to mention enjoy that part, would rather have that for a while before I find the one than not have anything at all.

Androbot, what do you think would happen if you said no to those guys?

Well, in the past, they have not been my friend anymore.

I know I shouldn't generalize from my experience, but over the course of my 45 years I have learned that sex is something for trade, not anything with meaning.

Oh wow ! !! I could have written this post. My classmates were almost all men and I was their "go-to" for "sweetheart issues", too ! !! ! In fact, their nickname for me was "brother-in-law" (which, in hindsight, could be viewed as insulting, considering that I am a woman) but I was a total tomboy in my youth and didn't mind that in the least. And NOT ONE of my friends ever tried to have sex with me... I was just like a sister to them. So I don't really understand some women's experiences that men are just looking for sex. I am not negating their experiences, but I just did not have that same experience.

I like Fnord's list of 20 points, but that is mostly about men who have abusive tendencies. "Players" aka "I am only in it for the sex" are not that paranoid / frantic / controlling at all. They are smooth, superficially charming, and once they've had their "fill", will pull a Houdini on you - that's when you will realize that you've been used.

HOWEVER, if you google "Is he only looking for sex ?" or "How to tell if a guy is using you for sex" or any assorted similar combinations, a bunch of websites (respected ones at that, so you know that they aren't BS-ing) give you a lot of red flags to look out for. It's not that difficult at all. But I would strongly suggest getting to know a guy as a friend first, and then seeing - if you BOTH are single - if it will lead to something deeper, if that is what you are looking for. I actually get along much better with men than with women (less drama and more of WYSIWYG for the most part), and there are men you CAN be purely platonic friends with and not be hit on / viewed as a potential sex object / blah blah blah.

Good luck !

And most women are only interested in boyfriends who are interested in having sex with them. Friendship is great, but they have other women for that.

Thank you for all the advice. The list of 20 points is a bit more general, I think, but it is as well useful. Weirdly enough I have never thought before that it could be a clue if he loses his temper when joking with him or if he helps me solve problems or if he invites me along to activities. Now that I read it, it seems so very true. In my previous relationship the guy didn't do any of these.
As I hope was clear from the beginning, I am looking for a relationship which is both romantic and intimate, so I don't care if the guy would break up with me if we didn't have sex. I just want him to be someone with whom I can share the good and bad times of life with and were we can support each other mutually.
Can also mention that I have a lot of male friends and I don't sleep with them and we have been friends for years because we share interests and enjoy hanging out.

If so, then try to see if one of those friends could potentially also be a boyfriend. I am a bit short of time so will post later to you on this topic.

I find this interesting. If I am tired, a bit sad or feel a bit lonely I like to cuddle someone, because it makes me feel safe and warm in a nice way, but I don't become turned on. Do you not experience this kind of cuddling?

A good red flag to look out for is if he throws a tantrum if you say no to sex and it's really early in the relationship.

Throwing a tantrum for even minor incidents like incorrect change, a canceled TV show, or a stain on a favorite shirt should be a major red flag.

^ "Red flag" doesn't do that justice

OP :

1. If a man has not introduced you to his friends and relatives even after about 4 or 5 months of you seeing each other exclusively, and shows no interest in meeting your friends or family, then he's in it for only the sex.

2. If you don't go out together to public places (like an art exhibition, or a restaurant, or even just a local park) and it always seems like pizza and coke at your place or his, then it may be that he does NOT want to be seen out with you. Probably in it for the sex.

3. If he always calls you at the last minute and never makes plans with you well in advance, and those "plans" involve pizza and coke at your place (see #2 above), then chances are that you're nothing more than a sex buddy to him.

4. If he cannot see you during the weekends, and is always busy with something on the weekends, then he's in it for the sex (during the weekdays).

5. If he does not show an interest in your life, your career, your talents and cannot tell you what your biggest achievement was in your personal or professional life even after months together, yes, he's in it for the sex.

6. If he has no idea when your birthday is, what your favourite colour is, your favourite author, where you spent your childhood holidays, what your high school mascot was, where you graduated college, your first job / first car / first boyfriend... or ANY details of anything of importance to you, he's in it for the sex.

Of course, if on top of all the above, he has an anger management problem, a drinking problem or a drug habit, is possessive and controlling, or otherwise makes you feel cheap, useless and worthless, then he's an abusive POS on top of being a user. Self-explanatory, I would think. NEXT !

Last edited by HisMom on 16 Mar 2016, 3:26 am, edited 2 times in total.

^^^ +1

Also, if he persistently leads conversation towards the sexual and pushes for it from the start, doesn't give you a chance to get comfortable with him and consider the pace 'you' need things to go at, uses emotional blackmail to guilt you into stuff... It's all about the sex.

A man that has respect and is looking for a relationship, tends not to do most of the above in my experience.

Oh, aye.

Other self-explanatory WARNING signs including sending you pictures of his junk, or INSISTING on trading naked pictures. It doesn't matter how long you've been together, such a guy is a disrespectful LOSER and untrustworthy and probably the type to become very vicious if things go wrong (and they will eventually, since he's only in it for the sex -- or he wouldn't send you pictures of his thing). You may consider yourself in loveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee when he asks to trade naked clicks, but use your brains (unless you WANT your nude pics floating around the vast corners of cyberspace someday for any sickos to drool over).

In fact, there was a case on Judge Judy where an ex-WIFE was suing her ex-HUSBAND for posting her naked photos (taken during sex) online. You know what Judge Judy's response was ? Yes... so if she does not want even your HUSBAND taking pics of you in that state, then you don't want ANY guy, (and most especially a guy you're barely getting to know), to do that, either.

Stay safe, and as Judge Judy says, don't be stupid.

Thanks for that list!
Problem is I don't "feel" things, so I can't tell if I am feeling cheap, useless or worthless. At most I can pinpoint that I am "not feeling good" in some unidentified way, but often I just have random "feelings" and I cannot even tell if they are good or bad.