Women shaming others for wanting love

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*Hissing* *Growls at smudge*

Yes, men do it to each other too when it becomes about love rather than sex. Though the impression I get is it's seen as "unmanly", soft, rather than a personality weakness when it comes to men. And it doesn't matter whether or not you're a man or a woman, ignore such people.

The reasoning against it is bad for men, but I think it sounds even worse for women. Personality flaw? Weakness? It's the exact opposite. Have you seen what people who truly love each other are capable of? They are far greater than the sum of their parts, not just in terms of being able to power through life's challenges together and support each other and get enjoyment out of life together they never could alone, but there's all sorts of data about such people being much healthier and longer living than everyone else. True love is the jackpot.

Be aware it's not always because someone "can't find someone" that they are not in a relationship. While there are indeed many, many people in the world who want a relationship but find it very hard to find someone --- because it IS hard to find a compatible person, no matter who you are -- there are also people who have CHOSEN not to "find someone."

Are you sure that absolutely every woman who gives you this trouble "can't find" someone and is just bitter?

I've "found" plenty of someone's in my life, but I've also deliberately STOPPED dating for years at a time on more than one occasion. And it's not for lack of "finding" anyone -- it's because I genuinely did (and do now, also) feel GREAT alone.

Seriously, I'm not "bitter" for not being in a relationship, I haven't "failed" to find someone, in fact I have my opportunities right here today and if I were that person, I'd already be typing this "with" "someone" right here in the room with me.

But I'm not THROUGH CHOICE. Trust me on that one.

Do you not understand that some people actually might have options and choices and they've CHOSEN not to be with someone?

And that at other times in their life they've chosen someone because that's what they wanted then, but not now?

Be careful that you're not doing the same thing you think they are doing to you, OP.

Plus, some people truly have found such stability in staying out of the relationship game that they try to recommend it to those who seem too buried in the pursuit of it.

A person can be too desperate to have "someone, anyone." It's not healthy. There are some people who dont' feel whole without a relationship and THAT'S as fcked-up as you think being alone is.

SERIOUSLY DO SOME PEOPLE JUST NOT GET that SOME people really are better off without some shttty a-hole in their life?

People who choose to be alone get crap in the reverse of this thread -- people constantly telling THEM they ought to find someone!! !! !!

Drake, while what you describe about couples who have found "true love" is indeed true, it's also true that SOME people function better by themselves. A good relationship brings many rewards but also horrendous responsibilities and expectations that SOME of us who truly know ourselves know we are simply worn out by.

I have been in both serious, long term relationship and in less long lived dating situations of various levels, and no matter which, I experienced FAR more stress in ALL of these situations than I feel when I am completely alone and living my own life of my own choosing.

Particularly at my late time in life, I am MUCH better alone than trying to compromise with someone I have to share decisions with.

I'm DONE and some people can't get it through their head that this too is a legitimate choice.

AFAIK, she's never been with anyone. I don't blame her for wanting someone now and feeling bad about it. Maybe her friends are as she describes them, she knows them better than we do.

I get what you mean about wanting to be alone too, I've felt that before.

True she knows these friends and we don't.

But it starts to seem like she's assuming as much of them as she feels they assume of her.

She's assuming point blank that all these people who say this to her simply must be bitter and are just trying to be stoic about their "failure."

I'm trying to point out that there are people out here in the general world for whom that's not the case, as I happen to be one.

I'm wondering if there are some like ME whom the OP is simply sweeping with the same brush. Which is unfair of her just as it's unfair of anyone to tell her NOT to look for someone.

She's young, by all means look for someone -- I DID NOT tell her not to. In fact in my initial post up-thread I said it's perfectly normal to want a relationship.

But I don't like the way her follow up posts start to get a tone of suggesting that ALL people who aren't in one have a problem with it, and their advice to HER is just coming from a warped place.

Here's my position on things:

It's NORMAL and GOOD to want a relationship and to want love.

People shouldn't put down people who wish for the above.

However, people ALSO shouldn't put down people who express their wish NOT to look for love or be in a relationship.

It's normal for THAT person to know themselves and to have made a decision about that.

It's also not healthy to be overly concerned that you MUST have another half in your life.

Everyone needs to be okay being by themselves even IF they have a goal of not always being that.

Personally, I find the opposite of this thread seems to happen way more in life in general.
It's way more common for people to shame women (and men) for NOT wanting a life partner.

People like me get all kinds of lectures, suspicions, wrong assumptions, pity, you name it. I think I have it way worse than someone who wants to find someone getting told not to.

But she said nothing about people not wanting a life partner.

Also since she's single beyond 30 , some would assume she doesn't want a life partner and would shame her for that - I get that too, damned if I say I want and damned if they assume that I don't want.

I did. Bird_in_flight quoted me. I should have qualified my statement. I didn't realise it could be taken personally. I'm having problems with my phone, I'll post this response

Well I thought "They" is referring to your friends, and not to women not wanting a life partner.

OK, I'll try for a longer response. My phone keeps freezing up.

Yes, but she's right, some of the friends I have may be happy on their own.

I believe you Bird_in_flight. You know yourself better than anyone.

I just feel like I'm being slut shamed by people I know, but in a very conservative way. I do know a lot of single women. I've moved around a lot and kept in touch with people and some of us just never got into relationships. I really do believe that some are happy with that and have decided that's best for them.

But there is one who would always try and get in the way when I was talking to a man I liked and try and pull me away from the conversation. She'd tell me how much she didn't like someone I liked. I got to the point where i was sick.of her telling me how to feel and how to express myself. She was quite controlling.

I get told to not pursue men. If they like me they'll let me know. I get told off (American translation - chastised but in a friendly way) If i like someone new.

This really is my life. I feel like I'm not allowed to talk about how I feel. Any weakness is shot down

Hang on a minute

Bird in flight is proving my point. I'm expressing how I feel to a woman and she's ranting at me about how it's ok to be on your own. Look how long her posts are compared to mine!

See it's a sore point on both sides.

Maybe they just want you to remain in the same boat as them, and are jealous. From that info on its own, that's how it appears to me. I would be mad at them for breaking up conversations with someone I liked, or heck, anyone I wanted to talk to. That's really rude.

At the very least, they give rubbish advice.

Maybe part of it is that they have dated other people before so they don't really understand what it's like to be in the position of having no experience at all. I feel like being experienced and single is a lot different than being inexperienced and single because the few people irl I would tell my dating struggles to wouldn't really seem to understand. Being inexperienced gives me this feeling that there's not much hope, but if someone is experienced maybe they don't have that feeling as much.

Last edited by slw1990 on 13 Dec 2016, 1:19 am, edited 1 time in total.

They just seem bitter and jealous from what you've said. Perhaps they are stuck in sh***y situations and find it hard to even try finding people, like single mums for example find it super hard to get a long term relationship from what I've seen/been told.

I've seen this smarmy attitude before, I half think it might be something to do with them thinking you've said something naive sounding and it's an opportunity for them to be an a***hole. Honestly, they just sound like a***holes and you should probably not tell them about this kind of information again if they're gonna be like that about it.

If the relationship causes you a lot of stress and you refer to them as "a-holes", you haven't found the right one. Those relationships weren't right for you. You don't have to have one, there is no law saying you do and being alone is a viable choice. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

However, don't think that every relationship would have the unpleasant stresses that your past ones did. The right one will be comfortable and if you find it, it feels like a perfect fit. Sure there are stresses from time to time and disagreements and issues but it's still comfortable. Not everybody finds one, so it's no failure when you don't. Some people find more than one in their lifetimes and others only have one and some never have one. It's all a roll of the dice.

But the right relationship isn't going to make you feel better or relieved to be alone.