As an autistic woman I feel ...

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As if I am just beginning to grow and get out into the world, even though I'm 52 years old. Also like I'm playing catch-up on all the things I missed. It's better than never having had a chance to do it, however.

...like I exist in solitary confinement.

... like I have a lot to offer the world, if only I could figure out how to break down the barrier between me and it.

Underestimated.

..like I'm locked in my room watching everyone else have fun at my birthday party.

...like everyone I know or meet is trying to fix me. People treat me as if there is just some piece missing and if they can explain to me how I am messing up that I'll be able to learn and suddenly be normal.

--confused by almost everything
--like I am constantly trying to prove my relevance
--lonely
--afraid to be in relationships because I have a habit of breaking up with people repeatedly just to prove to myself that they really do like me, but still not believing it because I really, really cannot tell
--grateful for the ability to work hard for long stretches
--grateful for my ability to see complex systems below the surface
--happy to see beauty in things others don't really appreciate
--grateful that the previous three things have made me very good at my job
--annoyed at people who lie or pretend anything at all
--annoyed that I'm asked to suppress my desire to tell people they're annoying when they lie
--worried that people I respect don't like me and I might have no clue really

... threatened by the world, by and large.

...seen as cold and aloof by others (and some family)
...seen as stupid because I don't always understand the "obvious"
...seen as unique when I can present things in a different way
...feel lucky for my happy little nest of quirky family I have

like i'm going to die alone, that i am visually attractive to others but when approached i am no longer attractive to them, and from then on ignored or treated as 'other'. I feel untouchable, as if it is impossible for others to connect with me and me to them. I feel underestimated, I feel isolated. I feel as if I live in a world I can never understand, that everything around me is in a third language i am s**t at.

I feel free..

I've made it clear from when I was 3 or 4 years old that I'm not going to live a stereotypical female existence. I've never wanted children or marriage, although I am in a long term relationship.

With 'freedom' comes a huge amount of emotional pain. Life has been a struggle for as long as I can remember.

As cliche as it sounds, I feel misunderstood.

I'm increasingly more and more frustrated at the lack of information available to the public on the differences in how AS presents itself in women and men. I'm also noticing that NT people don't seem to be nearly as motivated to learn about the struggles of their friends or loved ones with AS as I would have expected. I'm starting to get tired of hearing "oh yeah, I've dealt with that too!" from NT friends that have absolutely no understanding of how said thing has drastically affected my entire life, not just one brief moment in time..

-observant
-empathic
-openminded
-openhearted
-accepting
-curious
-generous
-synesthetic
-a survivalist

I feel confused about who I am. Sometimes I wonder if I'm Aspergers or not, because being a girl with it makes the traits seem more complex. I displayed so many Autism traits as a child, and as an adult I display very few. I seem to be more ADHD now.