How important is appearance to you romantically and why?

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I used to have a specific criteria for appearance but now it's like this:

As long as you are intelligent, share similar interests with me, don't use me as a last resort for a partner (being desperate), take stuff like music taste seriously (able to hold down a conversation about the band rather than saying "I like them too now let's make out!" Appearance is not a priority provided you know that I put a lot of effort into my appearance. I also like guys who like to eat healthy and exercise without giving me a hard time about my being plus sized. I exercise for nearly 40 minutes a day and eat super healthy.

That's all I really care about in s guy.

The ONLY reason it matters is that guys who think they are good-looking tend to be more secure, and thus won't be constantly monitoring me for signs of wanting to leave the relationship.

I'm kidding. It still doesn't matter. I don't even know what physical traits are attractive to me, other than that I like a guy to be aware enough of his own body that he doesn't crush me in bed. What is "physical attraction"??

I'm drawn to traits like kindness, humor, compassion, non-judgmentalness, disinterest in social standing, a lack of valuation on image-crafting, shared values and interests.

Besides that, the OP is correct-- appearances can change rapidly, and we're all going to finish this race old, sick, or both, either fat or emaciated, sagging and smelling bad. Base a relationship on the inner being-- it remains fairly consistent over time, even in the case of things like stroke and dementia.

Not really sure, I think its the physical characteristics that initially attracts another persons attention.

This is something I can very much relate to.

I don't know. Men tend to grow on me once I get to know them. I can't really think of anyone whom I've met and thought you're good looking and I'm attracted to you. The 2 don't necessarily go hand in hand.

Id say "attracted to" means I really really want to be around you, but also I'd like to make out and maybe more

Most recent chap I liked: the thing that attracted him to me was the way he talked to me this first time I met him. He was really polite and had a really kind and gentle manner.

I didn't really take in much about his appearance until a few months later. I suddenly realised he had really beautifully shaped eyes.

I have no idea if he's considered generally attractive. I only found out recently that other people think he's a little weird. I think he's lovely.

some of these traits can turn bad really quick, watch what you want, eg they can drag into the house people who you'd better keep out, they give away your things, your safe space etc and surprise, accuse you of being not all these things when asking for boundaries/protection

I don’t get the celebrity obsessions either, it feels like a dehumanising thing to do to another person. Never liked Clooney either until he started advertising coffee, I like coffee.


I agree, I don’t believe it would be possible for me to be in a romantic relationship that didn’t have physical attraction, in my case the physical attraction can develop after the emotional attraction is established.


Genuine confidence is attractive, its not something that can be faked, but I think lots of people fake it. People with this asset tend to be more open, but sometimes it can be hard to tell false confidence apart from real confidence.


Maybe they wont succeed with all of your tests, yet I think you are right to be selective, as people on the spectrum tend to need a partner with very specific qualities… maybe if they met most of the standards and if you gave them a project of sorts to see if they could meet the other one or two they failed; as tests tend to measure performance for a short time. I must wonder though if emotions could play a larger role in your approach, like using a gut feeling about a person.


People grow and personal tastes change, its good that you know the kind of life you want to have, and that anyone you date would have to be similar in their outlook.



What other people think doesn’t really matter when its something so personal, especially if their thoughts are based on subjective details and not large red flags.



I knew someone who done similar things, fortunately I came to realise that he was focussed on people pleasing, getting approval and admiration, but as he had no respect for my boundaries, its clear that he wasn’t genuinely kind, compassionate, non judgemental… etc.

Yes but real kindness and compassion are good qualities to look for and do have a draw, let's it dismiss that there are genuine people out there.

The reason I mentioned that other people don't find him attractive is because of all those threads men start saying women only want a Hollywood cliche good looking guy.

You're right. It is subjective.

Genuine confidence is attractive in my opinion. Pretending to be confident and throwing pity parties on the inside is a huge turnoff.

I like people with a positive outlook on life. Confidence is more than appearances. I could never ever date a narcissist though. The more down to earth he is the better.

I would say physical appearance is of low importance, but not zero importance to me. I think I should have no business with anyone on the extreme end where I couldn't possibly ever find physically attractive, because it wouldn't be fair to them. They deserve someone who does find them attractive, who will lift them up.
With that said, I do not need to be with someone exceptionally "hot" and that is nowhere in the neighborhood of one of my priorities. As long as the person is attractive enough to me that I am not completely turned off or grossed out, and almost everyone is, then I honestly don't even factor that into the equation. Personality is way more important, and I often find people more physically attractive anyways when I see them as good people. (And vice versa- ugly personalities soon look physically ugly to me.)
As you've said, it is harder to connect with people as an aspie, so why would I judge people too much on how they look? What I really want in a partner is someone I connect with, who understands and cares about me, who I find funny and interesting and fun to be around. Like, there are so many more important things than looks... Common interests... Worldviews... Trust and respect... Appearance pales in comparison. But it's not that way for everyone.

Kindness, compassion and confidence are good qualities. I'm more likely to relax around people with these abilities... it makes sense to focus on the real person and not the dressing.

This is a lovely paragraph
I watched a video recently that mentioned how men generally needed emotional intimacy but it's often in short supply, I think it's similar for women who experience social difficulties. Being able to connect with a romantic interest is a significant part of attraction.

With no disrespect to the people posting, either they have a low set of standards or they are trying to say what people think sounds nice. I as an asexual develop romantic feelings as a big draw but even a level of ejoying aesthetics exists with in me. This all just sounds like drivel to appease the masses of the forum.

I'm glad people have found partners that suit them, but let's not be coy. We would not pick someone we are unattracted to because we share the same opinion about politics or star wars.

It's a different point of view and that's grand. Your phrasing is unusual, perhaps the word drivel is a bit rude, not sure why you are having this response?

No one poster has claimed that they don't value aesthetics like the way you are implying.
I read the thread as a collection of different ways women on the spectrum develop attraction. It's reassuring to find similarities and balance out the experience of disillusionment/alienation etc.

I wouldn't say "low standards" so much as a practical world view that you are never going to find the perfect person, because they simply don't exist. With that in mind, I consider that I would much prefer to be with someone average looking who I feel safe and comfortable with than an as*hole with a nice body. It's called having priorities. Just because yours are different doesn't mean everyone else is incorrect.

I wouldn't pick an as*hole, either. I just think people are saying things here to sound good to other users rather than saying what is truthful and therefore, more useful to other readers.

Ok, it's been a long night..
Someone brought this topic to my attention in PM's..and I responded with my views.
I won't change those views, but I just realised this is the women's forum.
Just so you know I didn't decide to pick posting in here of my volition (although there's nothing wrong with a guy posting in here..). I choose not to read or post here generally. I don't like to go against my own codes.. so you're free to scrutinise my statements but I'm incredibly unlikely to respond to any comments.

I've always welcomed responses, and try to take a balanced approach. It's unfortunate that a thread discussing such personal topics is being broadcasted in this way to score a trivial point.