Not wanting to date men with ASD?

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Somehow, the aspie men always found me. I never consciously chose men who were. Most of them wore masks and it was difficult to tell they were autistic at first (their masked dropped and then it was easy).

I can understand why you wouldn't want to. Our quirks and problems are annoying enough on their own, much less seeing them constantly in another person. If you're not accepting of yourself, you won't be accepting of your significant other doing similar things. It also requires more effort for each person to accommodate each other. I wouldn't say it's easy at all.

I've been married to someone I met from this forum for awhile now and it has worked out. It took a long time to completely understand each other, though.

There's nothing wrong with having preferences in my opinion. I will say I seem to gravitate towards men with aspergers though. I've had maybe 4 relationships and 3 of them had aspergers, which I learned after we had already started "talking".
My last relationship I think he has more issues than just aspergers, he had every red flag in the book just about.
In the end, I think having an open mind is key. Our diagnosis doesn't make us who we are, but at the same time don't let anybody make you feel bad for having a preference.

For me it depends on the person. I would not want to date any man who is very cold and not very empathetic. If they just get mad at me for my emotions and for my anxiety, I would not want to date them and a diagnoses wouldn't change it. It would just be an abusive relationship.

Not wanting to date an aspie man when you're an aspie yourself seems hypocritical, and yet... I can see how aspie quirks can make even another aspie uncomfortable.

I met another aspie man once, and he made me uncomfortable. (I'm male.) I was on a train, returning home from having a good time. One stop later, a guy got on and immediately took a seat next to me, even though there were empty seats. I knew was an aspie, because: (1) he immediately started showing me "Game of Thrones" snapshots on his cell phone without as much as an introduction, and (2) he talked in monotone the whole time. I tried to non-verbally hint that I just wanted to space out, even telling him outright that I just want to space out, but he wouldn't get the hint. I humored him for two stops, then moved to another train car.

I give him credit for being independent and navigating a rail system. (Although aspies are good with train schedules.) But wow, the interaction felt awkward, even if from an NT perspective that's become almost second nature to me. I remember doing similar things with near-strangers when I was a child. (If that man were NT, he'd probably open with: "Dude, you look happy!", and only then shift into the "Game of Thrones" talk.) One reason I took it in stride, is that it's not uncommon to see odd characters on trains, so I was kind of used to it.

I am the same way. (Or at least a non aspie/ND) Something about aspie men are more invasive. They make me uncomfortable. I've had overall terrible experiances with them. That being said, its not that I am against the idea depending on the functioning level and how attractive he is. But I lean towards ND or NT.

Out of my three relationships only one was an aspie and I believe the second boyfriend I had was an aspie. The last boyfriend I had was ND and he was amazing. I miss him!

Date whoever you feel comfortable and compatible with.

I found my AS ex-husband very cold. He never understood romance. When I first met him he seemed perfect but later the reality hit. It got harsh when we got out of the honeymoon phase. We had nothing in common except for AS. His problems with AS are worse than mine. Well everyone has issues just find someone that you can relate to and feel happy with. Take your time.

Last edited by Pjscrab on 12 Aug 2018, 12:51 am, edited 4 times in total.

I concur. I wouldn't prejudge a man based on whether he's an Aspie or NT, but I have certain areas where I am weak. If he is also weak in these areas we're going to be in trouble because someone has to step up. If he's cruel, cold, impatient or childish I won't stick around for 2 seconds.

My husband is NT and a social butterfly. He's also very patient and usually kind (when he isn't it's tactlessness, not deliberate cruelty). I need that patience because while I honestly do try my best, I am not the easiest person to live with. He's social enough for both of us, so if we have to go to some event with a lot of people I can hide behind him and let him do the smiley-face thing for us. He also has very high visual-spatial ability (I have almost none) and can do complex math in his head.

He is completely non-confrontational and cannot defend himself or me in a fight. He could never physically hurt anyone even if our lives depended on it. He is cheerful and optimistic and rarely worries about things he can't control. Put him in a dire situation though and he freezes.

I do the opposite for him. I make him slow down, reflect and stop to think about things. We have deep conversations and I can often get him to view things from new angles because I see the world from a different perspective. I use my high verbal ability and OCD to proofread his letters, correct his grammar and look at his programs for errors, thus saving him trouble at work.

I am a walking paradox in that I am a bundle of raw nerves and anxiety who frets about every tiny thing, but placed in life-threatening situations I go dead calm while he panics. It's why when I thought there was an intruder in the house one night I didn't bother waking him because he would just get in the way and get killed. I slid out of bed, grabbed my knife (tactical, with a blackened blade so that any light won't reflect off it and give away my position) and silently padded through the house hunting the intruder. I knew I was likely to be outmatched in both size and strength so the element of surprise was critical. I intended to sneak up behind the intruder and take him down before he even knew I was there. It turned out to be a raccoon, thank goodness, but I was fully prepared to go all the way to protect us. So we have an agreement now that if there's a zombie apocalypse, my husband can hide behind me while I mow down the zombies.

There is nothing wrong with that. We all have preferences.

I've only dated men without aspergers though and i've never been understood in a relationship so I think I on the contrary would wanna date a man with aspergers or similar traits next. I have male aspergers friends and we are much closer than i've ever been with any of my exes as we have a deeper natural understanding for each other. It feels useless having to explain myself to my partner over and over and my partner is still a big question mark, or to feel I can't always be myself without feeling a little ashamed over how different I am from others our age.