Living without “masking”

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I admire you if you can live without masking or camouflaging. I'm just now spotting the things I do to fit in socially. (Not like I really fit in, but you know...at least behave "acceptably."

Worse, I moved to a foreign country where the culture is to be sociable. And I belong to a big family now. I spend a lot of energy showing up to family functions and trying to participate in conversations. Or at least be present and pretend to look interested. (I've been told by my spouse that I appear to be in pain sometimes. Well? I do try to smile at appropriate moments.)

But I'm learning tricks that allow me to un-mask a little. For example, I now carry a fidget toy with me. I usually keep it out of sight. But when several people are conversing all at once at 85dB, I pull it out surreptitiously. I've shown it to various family members one at a time who accept it as a type of stress relief. They don't even blink if I have it in my hand.

Since I only recently realized I'm on the spectrum, I haven't newsflashed anyone except my spouse and nephew, neither of whom were surprised. My nephew works with autistic kids at school so he understands some things.

I really believe if most people were aware of autism in a general fashion--like people are aware of blindness or deafness--we wouldn't feel pressured to mask as much.

I think in some ways I have always masked my personality and even what type of people I like. I think i've always had an intense wish to be "normal" so i've pretended to hate everything typically nerdy that I notice a lot of aspies like but i'm getting more self aware about that since I got my diagnose and started meeting more aspies and I notice that a lot of the things i've always claimed I don't like, I do like. And that the reason things have never worked out with people i've let into my life is because they've been the opposite of me - very social and typical NT and lacking patience for the way I am.

It's kind of weird to realize you've been trying so hard to be someone you're not and that I pass as NT so naturally now, until someone gets to know me on a deeper level. I think it grew from how I was bullied for many years, it made me decide when I left that school that from now on i'm going to be something else and no one is gonna see anything weird about me and therefore not bully me but if anything that made me shallow and more insecure than ever. Now i'm accepting who I am while also trying to improve myself and I don't care what people think about me.

I’m only a few days into this journey of “finding myself” after being recently diagnosed and I’ve found it very hard to not mask, it’s so second nature that I have to very consciously let it down. I’m starting to recognize now I hold myself together and numb out things that get to me (sensory wise) and stuff my emotions so I’ve noticed I do a lot more shaking and movements when I let myself actually feel stuff. I know it looks weird but I’ve had a huge reduction in my body tension and feel way less tired. I didn’t realize how much work that mask is!!

But I found I could not let my mask down at all during a dinner out with husband and his friends because it stresses me out more to seem too different and risk rejection. I used my bathroom trips to “shake it out” as I call it and that helped.

I’ve got a lot to unravel about me and my mask. I know it’s helped me be more professional and successful at work and makes hanging out with my husbands friends smoother but it is really damn exhausting.

I 100% agree. I think I also mask out of fear that my family will stop liking me. I've gotten really into baking recently, which is a normal enough thing to be excited about, but I couldn't stop talking about it and my mom said "Ok now you're just obsessed" which... yes? That is kinda what I do, and have my whole life? If I get excited about origami or anime, no one is half as patient. At least people get free food out of my baking I guess.

But since living on my own, I notice I miss having video game-related decor and things like that around, I tried opting for a more "grown-up" look and I don't like it. But I don't think I have it in me to change it because I'm so afraid of being judged. Fear of being judged or shamed is just part of my DNA at this point.

Another baker! Yay! My family is pretty happy about me having a special interest in cooking - you just keep making them nice things for a while, and the next time someone complains about you talking about it, tell them that if they want the good food to keep coming, they need to humour you. I'm all for threats.

I've masked so long I don't really know who I am without it. After diagnosis, I feel like I'm thirteen again and have to relearn all kinds of life skills. The social bit is the trickiest. I'm experimenting with avoiding eye contact when I'm not comfortable. I realize it pisses some people off, but they don't own me, and they can also choose to be a bit nicer and not try to dominate me. It's incredibly liberating. I realize it might close some doors for me, but it opens others…..and I'm too old for this s**t. People can accomodate a bit. It doesn't cost them that much.