Women only: What age did you discover you were autistic?

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Recently diagnosed at 67.
Right now, taking in all this means for understanding the past and living the rest of my life and knowing I am not a weird failure, family embarrassment, or freak of nature.

As I get older it seems I have less and less in common with other women. My autistic traits stand out more because my appearance and behaviour don't conform with social norms. Women have generally started to act alike by middle age, but I haven't joined the fray, and I couldn't copy them if I tried. It's as if I've missed another milestone of being female.

When I was younger and a single parent, I think people saw my eccentricities as the result of being a "young, fun, quirky" woman, "an individual", or at worst someone who was overwhelmed by stress and parenthood. It was assumed I'd snap out of it as the demands of parenting slowed down. As you know it's always been more than an eccentricity. As I age it's more apparent that my personality isn't the result of stress or a failure to launch into adulthood. It's who I am, and who I always was.

I've noticed that I have less patience in social situations and I need to protect my coping reserves as much as possible, so I don't become depleted. I set aside at least a week for recovery after doing anything outside the house. I'm much kinder to myself, and I'm able to forgive myself when things go wrong, but that does include setting priorities and refusing to tax myself with anything extraneous. Some people may see me as selfish, but setting healthy boundaries has been key to my survival. I can't be a "yes" person anymore, and I can't offer support 24/7 without thinking of my own needs too.

It's a process of two steps forward, and one step back when I deal with society ... which is lightyears better than before.

Thanks for the replies, everyone!

It's gone a bit quiet, anyone else willing to vote in my poll?

I don't mind if you disagree with my hypothesis, I'm just interested to hear other people's experiences with diagnosis and/or menopause, maybe have a bit of a discussion over what aspects of autism we struggle with as we get older.

Yes, a dripping tap or a threadbare rug. Every day of life means another day taxing our emotional, mental, social, and sensory reserves. At a certain point our ability to compensate or regenerate runs dry. I've told the story of my nervous breakdown in 2001 when my adrenal system failed from repetitive stress stress overload. I couldn't make cortisol or stress hormones such as adrenaline any more and I nearly died from heart failure as a result. I believe a similar effect happens to our nervous system with the repeat assaults of autism, sensory stress, and social overwhelm. Over time we learn more about how to deal with autism cognitively, but it's never enough to balance what we've already lost from sheer exhaustion. That counts for men as well. I do think hormonal changes may play a role because our hormones are tied to the adrenal and limbic system. It's just that in my case which is a rather complicated story, it isn't the cause.

Here's a book which I highly recommend, about the mind-body connection. It's informative even for people who haven't suffered catastrophic trauma in their lives. Daily survival is often stressful enough to harm and alter our bodies.

Everything is connected.





"Things happen that leave a mark in space, in time...in us." Brenda Chenowith, Six Feet Under (HBO)

I feel like my system is shot as well.

The only thing that really helps me is going out in nature by myself.

I'm curious about somatic experiencing therapy. I think out bodies do weird things like holding on to trauma.

I haven't had any serious trauma, except for a road accident, which I actually don't think affected me that badly.

I think that the constant bombardment from sensory overload and having to deal with people has had a huge effect on me. Like a dripping tap. It's got too much over the years.

I feel like I need to be shaken out like a rug.

Questions for women:
- At what age did you realise / discover you were on the spectrum?
- Also, if you are heading for or past menopause, do you think that has affected your autism?

Here's the back-story:

For most of my life, I did not know I was on the spectrum.
However, I was having increasing difficulties with various of my own behaviours, for instance my extreme need for alone time to recharge (affecting my family life) and my intolerance of certain activities such as conference calls (affecting my work), until eventually I discovered the signs of autism in females and it all clicked. I was 46 at the time.

Since then, I've been having a harder and harder time managing it. Right now, my emotional regulation is completely shot and I've developed some kind of stress or anxiety disorder. But autism isn't supposed to get worse over time, is it?

Now at my age, presumably I'm in the perimenopause and my hormones would be in flux. So I'm guessing that, even though I haven't been troubled by symptoms such as hot flushes, hormonal shifts may be exacerbating my autism, making me more prone to mood swings and meltdowns.

This led me to wonder whether it might be a common experience for women to have apparently worsening autism in the menopause years (say late forties to early fifties, typically)? Would this result in an upswing in numbers of women seeking diagnosis for the first time in this age bracket?

So that's the hypothesis.
Hope you'll add your vote!

Sorry I forgot to mention hormones. I'm not perimenopausal yet, but have had hormonal issues, hot flushes being the worst. I hate it. I hate feeling too hot. I hate the feeling of being sweaty. I just feel uncomfortable and that in itself makes me feel grumpy.

My aunty had Aspergers but she was more like classic autism so much that you could tell as soon as you met her. She got worse over the years. She would go shopping or to the pub when I was a kid but ended up never leaving the house, then not even coming downstairs.

I wasn't sure which option to vote for. I always felt different and knew I was somehow like my aunty even though we were very different and I didn't know anything about autism back then. In my twenties I read about it and thought it described me well but didn't get diagnosed until my early thirties. I might be gradually getting worse or maybe my comfort zone has just shrunk due to limiting myself in an attempt to be more happy. I'm not affected by menopause yet.


Ooh I can feel that!

I was formerly diagnosed aged 34 but had had suspicions for many years prior to that. Was misdiagnosed with various other things over the years when looking back retrospectively my autism was actually very obvious but I guess a mixture of growing up in the 80s/90s, fewer girls being diagnosed back then and doctors ignoring my mother when she mentioned it to them meant that I wasn’t. Diagnosis for me has been positive and has made an awful lot of my life and my experiences make a lot more sense.

I didn't know I was 'autistic' until I was diagnosed at age 8. I often wish I was like 99% of other Aspie females; not knowing or not getting a diagnosis until adulthood.

I suspected I had autism for a couple of years but wasn’t able to get a diagnosis until I was 22.

There are little things, such as isolating myself for hours, not understanding certain phrases or words, sensory stuff. I think the biggest thing is just how naive I can be. And both of my parents having mental illnesses lol.