Keep grieving for the son I'll never have

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Having a baby is an extremely personal and individual choice.
If you have others in your life that would be involved, well, you should definitely chat about every possible outcome with your support sytem if you're thinking of giving it a go. Do you have family that can help before, during, and after? You can do it without anyone's help but you need to know that's how its going to be.
Some women don't even know they are pregnant and some suffer by the minute.
I remember feeling anxious about the actual birth process when I was pregnant with my first one. The experience is so varied, it will help if you can take loads of classes about birth, babies, breastfeeding, etc etc. Just realize, nothing is just like it is in the movies.
I knew without a doubt that I wanted children so I took each stage as it came - morning sickness, discomfort, sleepings issues: you just know that whatever you are going through, that it is not going to last forever.
I think my head was so full of what I thought it should be like that I was not really in the moment. Its a unique adventure. Childbirth hurt a lot but I did it three times so....how much do you want a baby?

I am an achiever, more so than a caregiver. I get the impression that Joe may be more of a nurturer than I am. My nurturer part may have started the journey to parenthood in my 30s, but that part wasn't driving in my 40s. The nurturer part could have been satisfied by being an Auntie or an educator, it was my achiever part that went against the long odds and faced the great pain and difficulties. Wishing Joe has just the right balance of nurturer and achiever for what will be good, whole and complete for her life. It seems to be the nurturer part is grieving, because I know mine did at various stages of my journey, regardless of outcome. Grieving for our lost children, grieving for ourselves.

I have heard of really strong drugs you can take that literally takes away the pain when giving birth, but I heard it can affect the baby's brain development. If there is such a thing then maybe giving birth won't be such a scary thing.
But it's the pregnancy sickness that puts me off, because, believe me, I have a severe phobia of throwing up, and sickness seems so common in pregnant women. I heard antisickness meds can affect the baby's development too, physical and brain.

Bloody brains.

I’ve had epidurals and paracervical blocks. Both effective when administered.
The second time I had an epidural was a little worrisome as it slightly paralyzed my diaphragm and made breathing a little worrisome.
The part they don’t always share up front is that they don’t administer the drugs from the get go. They required me to wait until 4 cms dilation which was several hours each time of significant labor. Some people get to four cms without a blink but each person is different.

I get nauseous when I'm on my periods. That achey pelvis pain always brings on some sort of nausea, and before I went on the pill to control the pains I actually felt really sick, to the point of having to lay in bed and fight off the urge to vomit. I have such a huge phobia of vomiting, and I know pregnancy will make me nauseous and vomit, and labour most certainly will too because of the pain. Pains in my tummy (around that area) triggers nausea. I just know I won't cope with pregnancy. I am hypersensitive to pain. I don't understand how other women manage to put themselves through it.
I can become suicidal when I feel like I want to be sick. I'm traumatized from when I last was sick, and there's nothing therapy can do to make me less afraid of it. When I was last sick I was wretching so much that I panicked because I couldn't breathe. Then as the sick was coming out I involuntarily took a deep breath and sucked the vomit right into my lungs. Then I panicked because I was gasping for air. I managed to cough it up again but that was a really scary moment. It's even worse than it sounds when I describe it. I don't drink alcohol or take drugs (except for medical drugs from the pharmacy or doctor) because if there's the tiniest chance I might vomit then I will avoid it altogether.

I know what you mean about being afraid of being sick.

I wasn't actually sick when pregnant but I spent the whole 9 months on the verge of being sick. Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no. It was like standing on the edge of a cliff for 9 months. I kind of wish I had thrown up, then it would be out and done with once a day.

The trouble with pregnancy is, it's never the same for each woman and you can't predict how you'll feel.

However, compared to pregnancy, giving birth was a doddle. Painful but it was only a few hours compared to a horrible 9 months, and we went home the next day. And you get that Goddess feeling when you give birth, which is fantastic.

My best advice is find a group of supportive, loving and loyal friends and family to support you when you're pregnant and have a new baby. That's what I wish I'd had, but I didn't plan anything and so was just left to struggle alone for 9 months with no one even visiting.

I hear you. I use community resources. Love our local libraries.

If you're 30+ and Autistic, please keep in mind the child might not be healthy. Do you want to bring a life into this world that can't live freely and independently? It's a gamble if the kid will be healthy.

I was either side of 40 when I bore my children. At the time, I didn't know I was Autistic. They are both physically healthy. They are both Twice Exceptional (brilliant with Autism or ADHD), which has pros and cons. If I had been 25 would they had been less or more brilliant or less or more Autistic or ADHD? Hahahahahahaha. My Autistic mother was closer to 25 when she had me. As a 40-something mother I've been a much better parent to my Autistic daughter than my 25-something mother was to me. My mother agrees. In our case, wisdom mattered.

You seem to have a lot of fear. Does it bother you much in everyday life? Sorry if I got it wrong but it feels more like fear of things you can't control. Unfortunately life is full of pain and unpleasant surprises. It might be good to learn some coping techniques or even take a religion if that helps. I once joined a group therapy for anxiety and learned a lot of useful stuff. It's best to build up yourself so you can accept whatever life throws at you.