Total fear of dating and relationships?

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I know you are trying to be nice and supportive, but starting with "wow" as in "wow, you're over-reacting" is not the best place to start. I have never stated that I have felt forced to act when I was uncomfortable. I am confortable being a cold fish when that is what I want. It's when I don't want to be a cold fish that I run into trouble. Like what I would imagine everyone else here would feel, it's hard to read to intentions of the other person. THAT is the scary part. I don't fear they will rape me or something. I'm more affraid I will miss the hint from them that they are "respectfully interested" and when I don't respond they will assume I'm not. Simple miscommunications have been the deaths of all my potential relationahips. Not crippling fear or confusion as to what I want.

I thought everyone here would understand that.

Your "go with the flow" mantra can only get some of us so far. Some of our "flows" don't go with most the world or any of it. Does that mean we should wait until that one person will flow with us or perhaps try to put forth some simple effort to learn to flow with the world on occation.

Was part of his plan to have kids born with AS? I don't f*****g think so. If there is a god, then he has a sick and twisted f*****g sense of humor.

Not everyone is like that I'm sure. I'm not, sexing people I don't really know that well seems too dangerous.

u are not a freak. i get what u feel. i am 22 and i have never dated.

I know this thread is sort of old, but I wanted to contribute.

I really, really understand what you are going through. I sometimes feel self conscious, because I find that even here, most women here have at least dated or have sexual experience. Being female, it's just easier for it to happen then it is for many of the men . I'm 23 and have never been on a date, in a relationship, or even had anyone seriously exhibit any interest in me. As a teenager, I was much worse off than I am now. I spent my teenage years being very depressed, going through some tough life situations, and had EXTREMELY low self esteem. Therefore, no interest in dating at all. Nowadays I am so much better, and am only just now feeling like I'm ready to date. I really think I won't truly come into myself for a few years yet. Before now I was always too unhappy with myself and my body, and too socially awkward to get to know anyone well enough to date them. I have to profess a certain amount of limited interest though - I just don't seem to meet many people I want to date. I have had intense emotional intimacy with a few male friends, so I'm not afraid of that at all.

I don't have any sexual experience (obviously), but I don't really feel sexually immature? I feel like I could just jump into it at any time and be very comfortable. I am and have always been a very sexual person and no longer have a lot of the hangups that I once had. It does not embarrass me and I'm very open about it. I'm still very nervous about dating someone though, because I don't know how to act and when to act that way. I am pretty liberal and am not really "saving it" for anyone in particular, but I figure since I have waited this long it would be stupid to just sleep someone for the sake of it. So I'm in the same boat. I think that if I end up dating someone that I meet in person instead of online, I just won't tell them how inexperienced I am and I will just play it by ear. They will likely never be able to tell (Unless of course I meet them on WP )

At any rate, please don't feel bad for developing at a different rate than most people. There are more women in their 20s with little to no experience than you think.

Sorry Rae, that wow was because I feel the same way and never really was able to put it in words so concisely. Before I became involved with my current bf, I was afraid of all those things. What to say (I am not much of a conversationalist), and just the obligation of niceties, and worst of all, learning to be intimate all over again with a new person. When I broke up with my last boyfriend I was resolved to never be involved again, just do casual dating, no more sex, so many things. I just wanted to be alone and was very happy to be alone and do my own thing in my own space and time.

I just happened to get lucky and find someone who actually needs more space than me, and someone who is equally picky as me.

When I see your struggle with reading other’s intentions, now I know your reasons are different than mine. I was just plain exhausted catering to another man. However, I like to go into all dates assuming they will not understand me, but perhaps they will learn. I have dated guys for months without even kissing them. I have a 30 day policy, that is I will date them for 30 days to give them a chance and if I don’t find them attractive, buh-bye. I am a slow burn, and my sister once yelled at me for never giving guys a chance. So, I try.

I miscommunicate all the time. However, I have taken a bold and brave step forward to own up to my poor verbal communication skills. The problem is finding a guy who is willing to do things my way in that area. I don’t take well to hints, I don’t give hints, and if someone can’t handle it there is no room for them in my life.

And going with the flow means YOUR flow and feelings, not anyone elses. Stay in your comfort zone and someday you may meet a match. Your temperament, your speed.

Also ,the first kiss, sex, etc. should not be the best. You work up to that as years go by. I have no super expectations for those first things. I believe the last kiss my bf gave me was the best, and the next will be even better!

Not only aspie women have that problem. My best friend summed it up best when the repeated what we all heard "what's the worst they could do if you ask them out, say 'no'.?"

NO, the worst they could do is MAKE FUN OF ME. And not KNOWING when someone is "giving you a nonverbal signal" and not responding correctly when they do makes it that much worse.

If I could give ANYBODY with Asperger's one piece of advice about dating/relationships/marraige.... find another Aspie. Period. If they're an Aspie who is aware of what they are, and what you are, they WILL GET IT. They WILL understand. Not all the little things, but the fact that they don't get it, right off the bat and neither do you. If you're comfortable without a physical relationship with someone, then you're comfortable. There is no "right or wrong". You don't HAVE to have another person in your life to make you complete. Sometimes you FIND someone who fulfills that purpose, and when that happens you're very very lucky. But I can tell you, it's not easy, even with another Aspie. It's hard work. And just because you're 'in a relationship" does NOT mean you'll be having sex, even if you're married.... It's a two way street.

oh wow, i just posted about this in the dating forum. i am terrified of relationships. i have panic attacks, i get depressed. the physical contact is the hardest, but i worry about my identity a lot.

I feel the same. I'm 18, reasonably attractive, some guys have crushes on me, but I've never been kissed. The guys who go for me tend to be kind of quiet, as I am, and aren't really forward about making a move so I havent' had to deal. I've been on 2 actual dates. I have a strong sex drive and am attracted to the idea of sex, and the idea of a meaningful relationship, but nothing in between. I feel like I could have a one night stand, however I wouldn't risk it due to the risk of STDs or pregnancy, because I wouldn't have to deal with the embarrassment of any mistakes I made very long. But for my first time, I want to be in a committed relationship with someone I really love for a while. And I've never actually met anyone I've really wanted to date or have sex with. I'm attracted to the ideas, but not actual people when I'm looking right at them. I don't develop crushes. I'm totally panicked about how I would react if someone tried to kiss me or whatever, because by 18 I'm supposed to have figured out how to move something forward or turn somebody down, but it's all new for me and I know guys will think that's weird. I'm also afraid of a physical relationship - I don't think I can be that intimate, and while in theory i like the idea, in actuality it grosses me out. I feel like if I ever have a relationship, it'll be years from now, and everyone will wonder why I've never had a date. I feel like if I can actually get myself to feel loving and open towards a guy, he must be incredible, and I'll end up marrying, because I'm picky. Ive developed some guy friends, at least one of whom likes me, but they're all dorky, brilliant, funny, and snarky - the only type of guy I can tolerate.

I love this! LOL You are so right. I have NO intuition. I have a dog. He has intuition and tells me what's really up with people. Otherwise, I get into real trouble and have...so many times.

Rae,

Let me just start by telling you that when I first knew my husband and he touched me, I screamed, rolled up into a ball and cried. That's probably what you're afraid you will do or something similar. I didn't know what was going on and who knows what he thought. It was startle reflex completely for me. Then there was the whole issue I had with him being above me (hugging, kissing or whatever) and considering I'm 5'4" and he is 6'4" this was a real issue. I also screamed and cried over that. Needless to say it didn't start out too well for me. All of that happened after a guy I used to date "found" him for me and sat with me through the first three dates just to make sure I stayed there. I didn't talk or look at my husband on any of them. Does this sound at all like what you are afraid might happen? Something similar maybe?

If it is, then I can tell you that with the right person you can work through it. My husband is extremely analytical so his way of handling that was to sit there calmly until the storm passed and talk to me quietly about it. I wasn't much help because I didn't know why I did it, I just did it. I could tell him how overwhelmed I felt though and I did because he stayed calm. That's very key. You want someone who will stay calm and not get emotional on you. You can at least explain that it's your brain sending you these signals, we had to figure that out over time.

If it makes you feel better, we did get past all of that and his calmness plus his intellect, quietness and so many other things made me comfortable enough to be with him and have a real physical relationship that is still there after all these years. He's one of the few people who can actually touch me without me bugging out. He's about the only one I like to touch me (even my brothers make me go completely still if they even hug me).

He's learned things over the years. If he pets my hair or brushes it, that calms me. He knows what pressure to use with his hand and what brush I like. He knows I like to be wrapped tight in blankets and kept warm. He knows not to come up over me even after all this time because I get too overwhelmed. I learned lots about him too. You tend to forget that, but let me tell you, those men have their own things they need you to understand just as much (NT or AS). Everyone has their things another person has to adjust to in order to be with them. ALL of them. NT women talk about what they have to adjust to all the time. Yes, you have certain things, but they have other things with which you probably will not have to deal. So you work with what you have and you learn how to work together. Even in short hookups, that is true. People are not cookie cutter people.

The one thing I will say is be true to yourself. Do not lie to try to be accepted because it will not help and you will end up hurt when the truth comes out...and it will. No one can live a lie forever. Someone out there is going to appreciate you for who you are. I never once thought that I would live with a guy much less marry one, but I did. Neither one of us could probably live with anyone else. Who cares? We suit each other just fine and that is all that counts. So don't you give up. Keep safe and tell the truth. Someone is out there who can understand you just as you are.

My relationships never last very long, I'm really hard to deal with. I have fear of getting close to people and physical intimacy is hard for me. It's nearly impossible for me to ever know how to make the first move. I feel awkward and uncomfortable. I really desire closeness with someone I love though, just not sure how to go about getting it. Also I sometimes get weird with being touched and confuse people by flinching or pulling away. Thankfully I was able to find a man who really loves me and although it's long distance right now, I plan to move over there sometime this year.