LKL wrote:
The first is that I do not think that she would like me very much if I were not her daughter. Don't get me wrong- she clearly loves me quite a lot; what I mean is that of all of the traits she enjoys most, and praises most, in other women (vivacious, talkative, outgoing, self-confident), I have none. I don't think that she has ever noticed this fact, and if I told her she would feel both abused and guilty.
The second is that her need to talk to me and be around both me and my brother in order to be happy is one of the things that made me realize that I do not want to have children. I never want my happiness to be dependent on the behavior of another person. Again, if I told her this she would feel abused and guilty.
There's nothing she or I can do about either thing, and they're huge factors between us, and if I told her either thing I think that it would scar her irreperably.
It's entirely possible she had the same issues with her mother when she was your age. Is her mother around and can you ask her? Sometimes it helps if there's a third party (grandmother, aunt, friend of family) you can try the ideas out on first, to test the waters.
It's possible that she would be scarred if you told her, or that she's found a way of getting you to not be honest about things she doesn't want to deal with. But it's also possible she wouldn't care. My aunt had an assignment when she was upgrading to a nursing degree, where she had to talk to her mother about some of the issues in
The Dance of Intimacy (or was it
The Dance of Anger?) by Harriet Lerner. She was surprised at how open my grandmother was to talking about it once she got used to the idea.
Of course in some families you really can't talk about anything iffy. My own family is like that - where most issues are off limits and heaven help you if you cross the line. Check it out cautiously - it's such a relief when you
can talk about it, so it's worth investigating.
31 Mar 2008, 9:44 am
