How Does one Feel Compelled to be Their Gender?

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I never did either but I'd be a hypocrite to say I have always felt comfortable with being me. I've had girls in the past ask me why I'm still not in a relationship or why I don't want to go out and get my hair done or why I don't want to shop. There are times where it feels more like a job than an enjoyment or leisure. I realize not all girls are like this but when I'm invited over in a group or party of females, I feel totally left out or beside myself.



I didn't either until recently. I tend to notice that many girls around my age are high maintenance when it comes to hair, nails, makeup, and all that good stuff. Not that I hate all that but like I said before, in my experiences it feels more like a job than a leisure. In fact, it feels more like a pain in the ass if anything. I usually like to do creative stuff like that at home. I don't know, maybe it's having to get out amongst people.

I agree with feeling like an entity, I have always felt like an outsider observing these meatbags called humans.

Exactly.

I've always been confused and uncomfortable in coming off as "feminine" or not expressing myself in a way that would be deemed characterestically attractive to guys. There's been times where I tried to come off as "girly" and confiden but all I felt like was a phony. I had an experience with one guy that made me feel uncomfortable. I don't know if it was him or me or maybe I was trying too hard. On occasions he'd tell me what he found attractive about women and what he found unattractive. Many times he'd admantally ask me why I wasn't into wearing clothing that looked "sexy" or why I'd ever want to cut my hair or why I didn't want to go out much and do things with him. I never knew whether to bring up about my aspergers or not. I never even knew if these factors were related to my diagnosis or not. It didn't last long and what hurt worse was when he went behind my back with another girl. Part of me knows he had no right to do what he did but the other part of me feels like I was too messed up. It's something I still have fear in.

On another note, I'm not saying that I would adhere to such a role mainly because I don't exactly know what that role is. However, I feel confused and frustrated in how to express my feelings toward someone in the "right" way or the way in which I see other people model it. So I guess you could say I'd rather exress it neutral but then that doesn't get me anywhere...

Yes I think you hit it there. Although I'm still confused as to what it means to be a "lady". I usually don't like the stereotypes in genders but I feel surrounded by them that it's gotten to where it's probably just me.



In fact I think you covered what I was trying to explain. Sometimes I'm confused as to how I'm to respond. There's a part of me that wants to childishly play around and avoid it. I feel like there's a acertain rule patterned in "normal" relationships and I don't want any rules unless I'm the one making the decisions. But the selfish thing about it is, sometimes I would want him to respond in a certain way. Although I don't really know what THAT was. So I've come to realize I'm totally immature as well as insecure in relationships.



Me too even though I wasn't very quick to wanting sex. It's funny because I do have a high libido but when it comes to the actual thing....I'd rather watch or fantasize about it.....

The dominance thing is exactly how I felt. I use to think or fantasize it the other way around. But when it actually came to it, I felt completely the opposite. In fact the actual thing came off as a game more than something to enjoy or share. I never really enjoyed his idea of kinkiness and he never liked my idea of kinkiness. I also felt self conscious and fake whenever I felt like I had to be a certain way. In fact, I use to get mad whenever he had porn. Not so much the graphic stuff but the roles of the women. It didn't turn me on nor could I relate to the women in it. In fact, I think that porn is mostly targeted for guys not women but that's just my opinion. Ok...I'm probably saying too much here. > >

In fact I wasn't expecting to post about my private life. I do hope this doesn't come off topic about other issues related to this topic...

I'm intrigued by what you just said, MissConstrue. I seem to be able to relate to some of the things you alluded to.. such as, I have fantasized and wanted to have sex my entire life but now when I actually do, it feels .. fake. Like the fantasies in my head are more real or better in some way. I actually find myself thinking of them in my head to try to encourage myself to respond better to my husband.

This is another reason why I brought this topic up and that is the bullying. Although I don't experience it now as much as I did in high school. Most of my problem came from girls who hung out in groups. Everytime I'd walk pass the hallway, I'd here them snicker or mumble what a dyke I was. I think that really hurt me. I know most of it was due to how I dressed. I wasn't wealthy or had the money to wear girly clothing. I usually wore anything that was cheap and comfortable plus I never made my hair up or wore makeup. That was kind of a big deal with the girls in my school. There were other factors as well like the way they talked and behaved, but it's too hard to explain or put into words.

I really felt out of place when it came to boys. All I would hear girls talk about was their boyfriends or what guys they were going to ask out. I meanwhile sat there silent and left out. There was nothing to talk about except self absorbed interests that I knew didn't appeal to the majority except a few.



Yeah I bet this is especially hard on guys. I had an experience with watching a group of guys call a guy fa***t cos he didn't dress normal or was very outgoing. I remember particularly when they gained up on him and thought it'd be funny to throw his bag around meanwhile, no one seem to care like they were just being boys. I'm pretty sure he went through a lot of crap.

I had a few guy friends and from my observation, I knew one guy who wasn't fond of them. I think they teased him because he had only been with one girl. I'd hear them talk and brag about their sex lives and how many women they slept with. I remember them teasing him about how he needed to be a man and step up to the plate. Me and him became good friends. He never made me feel inferior or leave me out when sharing in a discussion. Most of those guys would leave me out or tell me how I wouldn't understand because of being female. I also wasn't fond of their jokes...for personal reasons.

I think it would be hard to live up to that role of being dominant in tasks and relationships or having to repress emotions other than anger lest you be accused of being emo or a fa***t.

MC, it helps (in a way) to know that those "jocks" I went to school with are now all in their 50's, overweight, and likely could not walk up a flight of stairs without running out of breath.

It also helps (in a "schadenfreud" kind of way) to know that most of them are laid off from their factory jobs, while I sit here at my workstation, drawing blueprints, placing orders, assembling systems, and telling other people what to do. It isn't a great feeling, but every little bit of vindication helps.

You know I've always been embarassed about telling people this because I didn't think it was "normal" lol. But I thought it was time to get honest.

I'm so use to people saying how good their sex lives are or how they want to surprise their spouse. But I hardly if ever hear people talk about how confusing sex is or there lack of. I think most women are uncomfortable about discussing their sexual issues whereas men will talk about it as if it were a casual conversation.

I for one feel like I live in my head. It totally confuses me and doesn't seem as glam or as great in how the media potrays it. Then again, I have aspergers so maybe it's sensativity issue as well as inexperience for lack of social skills.

You know, I actually asked on a regular old relationships forum what I was supposed to be doing during sex and I got responses like "Uh.. DUH you just do it! The rest of us were virgins too and we all managed to figure it out somehow."


I know the concept and I've read lots of articles but most of them are like... fun foreplay ideas. I have yet to find anything that details specifically what you (a woman) are supposed to do during intercourse. Maybe its supposed to be obvious...

I guess you're supposed to 'experiment' with your partner and figure out what each of you likes. That sure sounds like it involves a lot of spontenaity, understanding non verbal cues, and not many specific rules. I don't do well without specific rules...

I pity the fool who is cruel to others because they dont fit into dichotomised gender roles.

Sorry, just having a Mr T moment.


Yeah I think I am sort of both genders.

That's funny cos I see the same thing happening to the guys I was talking about. They're in their twenties and I think their good times of drinking, drugging, and partying are catching up with them. They don't look as young or fit as they use to and I know 2 of them that have been getting more than good amount of DUIs as well as charges due to illegal drug possesion.

I agree, but I often feel like a nonentity as well, or instead.

Even Mr. T was man enough to be woman.

OMG! You mean I'm not the only one! My husband, and I have had more arguments over this sort of thing, then probably anything else in our marriage. Apparently, I'm supposed to know instinctively what to do, and I don't. I always come off as uninterested to him, and well... I guess it hurts his feelings? I'm not sure how to explain it. To me sex, flirting, and acting all coy is a huge social game, and I must've misplaced the rulebook as an adolescent, because I've always been lost on the whole subject. I have an extremely high sex drive, I'm just not so good at carrying the act out.

Yeah, I have a high drive too.