What's it like having kids and AS?

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My AS has given me more trouble as a mother of school-aged children and teenagers than it ever did as a mother of babies/toddlers. I loved those babies with all my heart, and they loved me in return. There was no judgment on their part. They never called me weird, like so many other people did. They just called me "Mommy." Since I had no friends, I had all the time in the world to sing songs, baby-talk, read them books, play toys, go for walks, or rock them all day long. I absolutely loved every minute of my three babies' lives. It made me so happy to see their beautiful little faces every day. BUT, it also made me sad, each and every day that they grew closer to becoming adolescents who would see me through the eyes of the world. The idea haunted me so much that I refused to even watch the video tapes of them from weeks earlier. When I tried to watch them, I got so emotional, thinking about how little time I had left with them as wide-eyed innocents.

Like others have mentioned, I had a mild fear of taking my kids to doctor's appointments. Once, I involuntarily giggled when my son was being examined. I'll never forget the look the doctor gave me. I thought he was going to call me an unfit mother and take away my baby, on the spot. To this day, I still don't know why I did that. My oldest son is a teenager now, but I've never been to another doctor's appointment where I didn't worry that it would happen again. My youngest child is now 7 years old. I still have a trace of fear when I take her to the doctor, but it's not as bad as when her brothers were little.

Once the kids started going to school, I forced myself into many awkward social situations, because I wanted to be a good mother to them. I didn't know anything about AS. I was still under the assumption that I was simply shy. I always thought that if I just tried a little bit harder, I could make friends with the other mothers and "be normal." I pushed myself to go to their field trips, classroom parties, sporting events, etc. Each time, I TRIED SO HARD to socialize with the other mothers, but I kept getting strange looks from them. I saw the other moms starting new friendships all around me, but I couldn't figure out how to do it. I had always assumed that I failed to make lasting friendships when I was younger, because I didn't try hard enough. Now, here I was with a second chance, it seemed, and I was failing miserably.

As another mother mentioned, it was almost unbearable to stand at the school, waiting for the children to be released from class. No one really wanted to talk to me, and I developed a phobia of certain parents who gave me strange looks or quickly averted their eyes when they saw me. Knowing that I had to do this every day was very draining, but I consoled myself by remembering that I had the same sorts of problems when I was a working woman. At least, I only had to deal with this for a portion of the day now, and not 9-5.

I also have a fear of parent/teacher conferences. I dread the look of, "What's wrong with her?" when I meet the teachers each year. Still, as I said before, I would be having the same types of problems in the work-place, if I hadn't been given the opportunity to be a stay-at-home mom to my children.

The biggest problem I've encountered, to date, is my teenage boys wanting to have friends/girlfriends over to the house every day. I see it as a special occasion sort of thing, because it's so emotionally draining for me to be "on stage" for these teenagers. I see them looking at me and trying to figure out why I don't act like other mothers. I can PUSH myself to be outgoing for only so long, and them I'm literally EXHAUSTED. Both of my boys have complained about the fact that they don't get to have people come over as often as their friends. One of my sons' girlfriends even blamed their break-up on me, because she said I didn't allow her to come over to the house enough. I feel judged and uncomfortable around their friends now, in a way that I didn't when they were young. And now, of course, my greatest fear is being realized. My boys have been comparing me to other mothers too. They talk about how much fun the other mothers are, how outgoing they are, how many friends they have, how many of the other mothers became instant friends with each other and hang out regularly, etc..... It absolutely kills me inside to hear their judgment. They'll never know how hard I've tried to be like the other mothers. All of this just comes naturally to these women, and yet they're getting credit for it. It's 100% harder for me to keep trying and failing, yet I get zero credit!

Still, I love my children and would never go back and change my mind about having them. My greatest fear now is that they'll grow up and never want to visit, because I make their spouses uncomfortable. The only thing I can do is keep trying, and hope that one day I can just be accepted and, maybe even loved, for who I am.

I have a 15 month old and she is the best thing BUUUTTTTTTTTT this is because I really wanted kids. I love them, I want more and hope one day to be an early childhood teacher. If I had a baby when I didn't want one, it would be another story entirely. I can't imagine coping at all if it was not something I actually wanted. It can be very hard. You have someone who needs you 24/7 and you are responsible for their life, needs and happiness. Sometimes you have to spend days on end with them attached to your leg as you try desperately to salvage some time to yourself. And you will often be doing this on a few measly broken hours of sleep. They scream LOUDLY. My daughter has just reached the stage where she can do a whopping earpiercing/ glass cracking scream which she does for attention and to try to get her way. There are many lovely moments and time together, but sometimes you just think 'i could just go to the pub and pretend she's not at hoe SCREAMING'. lol.

I also find she actually helps me in that I don't have a choice but to stick to a routine, get up on time etc. And she forces me to go out and meet people because I wouldn't have her suffer not having playmates because of me, and as a result I've (kind of lol) made a few friends with kids at a mothers group. It's still hard for me to go and I spend half the week planning it but it's always worth the anxiety.
I love her TO BITS and I would do it again, but there's no way, NO WAY I could get by if I was thinking 'I didn't want this.'
It really has to be something you BOTH want.


But this is such a difficult situation, I don't envy you it that's for sure. I hope you find a solution.

k, so i can relate to the reluctance to have children. i did, but it changed everything.

i never never wanted kids. i considered them to be pests and parasites and all sorts of unlovely things. i didn't like babysitting or anything like that as a teenager.

i was 21, and my baby was conceived one night before my SO and i broke up... for the 8th time in 4 years... at first, i thought i would live with my parents and raise my girl, but while i was pregnant SO and i reunited. can you say stressful? we lived in subsidized housing (aka the projects) for few years, and it was very hard, but that's a story for another day.

i was lucky because she was an easy baby and child. she was quiet, content, and didn't have any health problems until she was a teenager (eventually asthma); she didn't even spit up or vomit until she was nearly a year old. she would rarely melt down or have anything similar to a tantrum. she is making up for it as a teenager a little bit, but she is still really open to communication, fun to be around, responsible, and supportive.

like her dad, she is an NT, but she is a strong, caring and thoughtful person who honestly helps me navigate society in so many ways, all of the time. in some ways i worry that i overburden her, but i try to give her room to be her own person.

having my daughter absolutely saved my life. i was depressed, anxious, suicidal, and she helped me to find meaning in my life. now that she is nearly 16 years old, my existence doesn't revolve around her, but she is still so important and central to my life.

i would never change that i had my baby...

p.s. i was paralyzed at the thought of giving birth in hospital. i hired a midwife and had her at home (45 hours labour). neighbours at the housing unit heard screaming and tried to get me to go to hospital in an ambulance, but that terrified me more than the pain and risks.

I think my biggest obstacle to having children is the whole pregnancy and delivery portion. I was trying to figure out which part bothers me the most, and I just think 9 months is such a long time... Fear of the unknown, I guess. Plus my mother's always been so negative towards me, she also said I'd never get married but I did in April. But she's always said that I can't have kids because I can't take care of myself, and I guess you believe things after hearing them enough... maybe someday.

Like so many resposes here, if your not sure, its not the right time.

I have a young son and love him so much. However, he is NT, and I find his need/want to have his friends to play, or go to their house hard.
I find it hard to deal with school mums, teachers, etc......I find it hard when he is untidy, noisy, talks alot......
So I would say to wait.

Yes, we all start out as cute little parasites growing inside our mothers.



Not me, but if you want to know what its like to have AS and kids, ask your parents. One of them had to have it in order for you to get it.

My two cents...

I have 2 children who are 18 months apart -- my daughter is a bit over 3 years and my son is 23 months right now. It's a LOT of work.

My daughter was recently diagnosed with moderate to severe ASD. I did not know I had AS until my daughter's diagnosis. I always knew I lived in a way that was kind of off the beating path and things bugged me that didn't bug other people but I knew nothing about autism, other than hearing the word in passing every so often.

Like one of the previous people had mentioned, I was a free spirit, as well. I lacked stability. It took me a while to get used to being grounded but I don't mind it so much. It wasn't that I had to be at home. It's some of my sensory issues that has been a challenge. I have sensitivities with things being in motion all the time and I need to look at something still -- so every so often, I need to step out onto the deck and just look at the grass in the back yard to clear my head.

It also takes me FOREVER to leave the house. I'm very disorganized and when it was me by myself, it used to take me 2 hours to leave the house. Now it takes me about 4 hours and I need at least 2 days' notice so I can plan for it.

I love both my kids more than ANYTHING in the world. It's a love like I've never known and, in a heartbeat, I'd lay my life down for them. Any other time in my life where I believed I loved someone doesn't hold a candle to this. And it has changed me and has made some of my AS symptoms subside. I've learned to be a bit more organized (although major work still needs to be done in this area) and I actually get to places on time now and I work harder at punctuality.

I used to be afraid of childbirth before my first but labor was a breeze for me. I thought it would hurt a lot more than it really did and it was -- imho, just incredible. I could never have imagined it without experiencing it. The labor itself didn't hurt so much as it felt like the most intense workout I went through in my life. I delivered both my kids vaginally and there was tearing the first time but, that, too, went away and I have these two wonderful human beings in my life.

My daughter is very much like me in the way the symptoms present themselves...except that she has speech delay. She has certain obsessions (especially with anything related to technology) and, at 3, is quite proficient with the things she likes and has obsessions over. She just understands how everything works. I'm in the ASD community a lot now and I've talked to a lot of parents whose children are also on the spectrum and I keep hearing that I shouldn't get my "hopes" up too much because kids on the spectrum aren't "rocket scientists". Whatever. Just whatever. She is who she is and I think she's awesome....and who knows, I believe she has the potential to be a rocket scientist one day BECAUSE of her obsessions with technology related things and I've stopped giving a f*ck about what people believe about people with autism and, as a whole, I've stopped giving even the tiniest crap about what people think (not that I ever gave much of a crap before but I care even less about it now).

And, if you wonder what it will be like having a child who may be on the spectrum...it has been THE MOST REWARDING thing I've done with my life and looking at my life as a whole, and looking about everything I was OC about -- this is the ONLY thing that really means anything. It has brought a meaning into my life that I had not imagined I could ever have.

I have two jobs. I work freelance about 40 hours a week doing graphic design and I work another 12 hours on the weekends in a retail environment. I have the retail job as a form of social therapy for myself -- I force myself into a situation where I have to interact with people. I don't know if it's helping but bringing in a little extra money for ABA is good because it sure ain't cheap. My daughter is in daycare during the day to help her with socialization skills. I keep a close eye on it. I don't let other kids pick on her and any kid I see that may be thinking about picking on her, I always have words for them.

All around, both my kids are pretty happy and I'm happy too. I've found a happiness in my life that I had not ever imagined was possible.

There are frustrating moments and I still have lots of challenges being a mother with AS. For example, I'm supposed to teach her to better learn to socialize and find meaning in socializing...how the hell am I supposed to do that when I don't see the meaning in it myself. And how can I encourage her to talk more when I don't talk a lot normally.

However, I do like doing sensory things with her like getting dressed up in our rain gear during a big rain storm and going outside to splash in puddles. We both love that. Or going out at the break of dawn to get me a coffee and her a juice from the coffee shop and we enjoy the sunrise at the playground when there aren't a whole bunch of annoying people there.

I can relate to why she does things (the things associated with autism) and I try to remove the stressors for her if a stressor is triggering certain stims. I ensure that she wears at hat with a little brim inside the daycare so the fluorescent lights won't bother her eyes. I don't force her to eat foods with textures she doesn't like in an attempt to make her "normal". I have no intention whatsoever of making her "normal". My aim is solely to give her the best quality of life possible and allow her to be the person she was meant to be, autism and all, and to be as happy as she can possibly be. I let her know that I will love her regardless. And I really think that this is the only thing that matters in my relationship with both my kids.

But, I have to also note, that before having them, I wanted to have kids. For a long time, I didn't want kids but I reached a time in my life where I felt I was happy, money was ok, and I just wanted kids. I've always liked kids a lot, though. I like talking to kids and joking around with them and, as an adult, I often found that I have more in common with kids than with adults.

I strongly advise not to have children unless YOU YOURSELF are ready to do so. They are a trial and it can be very hard some days for even those who desperately wanted them. Imagine hardly EVER getting time to yourself again or a break, day and night. Your husband is being unfair if he expects you to have children you are not currently ready for.

I myself as the eldest child of 4 daughters always wanted children of my own and a big family. I ended up having two children.. one a neurotypical and one an Aspie like myself. The NT child was easy and a dream to raise, my Aspie child was truely aweful to raise (her Asperger's is worst then mine so she's had far more issues.. to top of her Asperger's she was also born with a physical disability to which she then blamed me as after all i had her). Her emotional explosions made my house one of almost constant war zone except when she shut herself away in her room, she even put holes in the houses walls.

She hates quiet so has to be in constant noise (if she hasnt got noise, she'll be making it herself with sounds), the opposite to me who thrives on peace and quiet.

She nowdays dont even speak to me (she's 19 now and never visits).

Raising children isnt easy and a serious business and you just dont know what kind of personality the child(ren) may have.