moms with AS

Post Reply New Topic

I'm exactly the same way. I've never wanted kids and knew even when I was young that I didn't want them. Not only do I lack that maternal instinct thing (unless kittens are involved), I don't even think babies are cute or anything. I've also known since I was rather young that I couldn't "handle" kids. I know that's more work/noise/mess than I could ever deal with and I'd end up killing myself before it got to be a year old.

Yes, we have to work harder and plan better. And as for other peoples' kids ... fugitaboudit.

Lucky sure is an inadequate word, isn't it?

1. I didn't know I had AS until after my children weren't children anymore.
2. The only decision I ever made in regards to having children was to apply the Golden Rule of "...all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them..."

My daughter is NT and my son is AS. Time will tell what my grandson is (besides being adorably cute and ever so lovable!).

Giving birth wasn't the difficult part. Raising them was, but no job in life is more important than that one. Money comes and goes. But none of us would be here if it wasn't for our ancestors.

Hmmm. Well, I guess I'm lucky in that my kid has Aspie tendencies as well. So, in a sense, it's been easier for me than I think it would have been if the kid had been NT. We communicate with each other in a way we both understand. And I've always kind of been able to predict how she would react in situations because it was the logical thing for her to have done. She has a bit of trouble with the privacy concept. I did at her age so I understand what is going on in her head, I think. We discussed it quite frankly from the time she was little. This is my space, this is your space. That means I don't go snooping in your space unless I ask you first. You don't snoop in mine without asking me first. I don't barge into your room without your permission. Same in reverse for mine. We have to be real clear with each other, because if something isn't explicitly part of the agreement it's as if we haven't discussed it. (You never said....) Needless to say, I don't have a lot of privacy other than that, but I try to look at it as the tradeoff for getting to live with this really unique, talented, wonderful person. Fair trade.

She hates to cook and I love to cook, so it works out. I figure she'll learn to cook the way I did. When I moved away from home I could only cook mac-and-cheese out of a box, and make chili con queso. I lived on that for a long time, then just sort of started trying other things. One does learn from mistakes, and I made about every cooking mistake there is. I think - at least people tell me - I'm a fairly decent cook now. And I really enjoy it. Feeding people is fun. On the few times she's wanted advice on how to cook something, I tell her to just watch what I'm doing and to ask questions if she doesn't understand why I'm doing it. That seems to work well. Or I tell her to just try doing it. If it doesn't come out right, we analyze why. I am unconcerned about the mess - that can be cleaned and will get better as time goes by (it has). One learns by making mistakes. If you do something and it turns out badly, you know what not to do the next time.

I did feel terribly isolated when she was younger, though. The stay at home moms in my area were not ...I don't want to sound elitist, but... mental giants or particularly well read. I don't think it's my AS that set us apart, it was culture. I was a single mom, scraping by though going to university and collecting welfare, since I couldn't afford to go to work fulltime (daycare was excruciatingly expensive and I couldn't earn enough to pay both rent and daycare bills). Needless to say, living in a neighborhood with folks who were very poor and very uneducated gave us only three things in common. We had little money, had kid(s), and we lived in the same apartment block. There was nothing else to talk about with them.

Since the kid was extremely precocious and I had her reading well by 3, as I had done, and since the other moms appeared only concerned with who they were dating and getting new nail polish, and if their kid had eaten all the doritos or not.... The kid and I were isolated socially. On the other side, there were no single moms in any of my classes at school. I could not affort the activities the married moms took their kids to on the weekend, so we didn't really mix other than the occasional chat about diaper rash. The kid, at least, had other kids her age to play with at the church daycare and had one or two friends with similar traits that she played with happily.

I think the general isolation actually brought my kid and I closer together. When she was older she ran into it herself in school. She wanted to play on the computer and build little radios when she was in first grade, or go visit the museum and talk to the curator about the latest fossil find. The other kids wanted to play Barbies and tag, and hadn't a clue. The curator was a nice guy, they had a lot of good chats. Too bad the culture squashed that in the kid when she got older. That was painful to watch.

Babies ~are not~ cute. They are stinky, loud, and obnoxious. They drool. They destroy things. They make messes. I never wanted kids. I hate babies, and I didn't like little kids.

It's amazing what hormones/instinct can do to you, though. When I had my kid (we used 3 kinds of birth control - properly - and it was only one night, so I have to believe this was fate), other kids were still ugly, stinky, loud, and obnoxious. But my baby was absolutely fascinating. Don't know if she was cute, I didn't let her be stinky, and she was rarely loud. Have to asssume it was/is instinct at play there. I remember thinking she was just the best thing the universe ever devised.

I have four kids, my twelve-year-old daughter has AS, and I'm in the middle of my own official dx.

Seems the older I get, the harder it is for me to deal with things I thought I was doing okay with by my thirties -- I seem to be "regressing," unfortunately...

OTher people's kids are indeed evil incarnate, lemme tell ya. I have three of my own and I only hope they manage to overcome their upbringing. I'm not giving up, but I do give them a hard time. They give me one back. And I still prefer them to other people's kids, who most often should be walloped soundly.

ZanneMarie (if I got that right) why did you have so much trouble getting the surgery? I mean, did they give a reason? Surely there's some paper you could sign to make them feel better if they have a problem with it. I mean, who's paying whom here? I give doctors a real short tether these days. After watching House, I am convinced that what I have long suspected is true... Doctors are guessing most of the time. They think they know all and they're guessing.

Because no doctor has to do what is basically elective surgery. So I would get the old, "You'll change your mind." "What does your husband think?" Well, I've felt this way since I was eight and haven't change my mind. As to what my husband thought? He thought he'd have to find a new wife if he was interested in kids (which he would). LOL

I guess they figure we don't have a brain, but I've heard that women have sued them because they changed their mind and should have been told more about that possibility. I kind of think that's an urban legend, but the Gynos would bring that up as well as other people.

So, I just acted like a mental case and he did it. Sad that you have to do that, but it was effective. He agreed instantly then.

I guess I do have some pity for the doctor too, then, because it is a certainty that some idiot will find some reason to sue, and the idiots look just like sensible people right up until you're being served the paperwork.

Still, humans.

I have a great deal of respect for women who know that they don't want children and do all they can to prevent it. I have had a day home for 2 years. I have had 18 children come through my doors and it is easy to spot the mom's who did not want to have children or who are disappointed that they did. I feel very sorry for their children so I do all I can to make up for the lack of affection they get at home. I myself have 4 children who all have AS or have some wonderful quirks but are social. I find my ADD and social anxiety make it easier to deal with them (although their noise and constant chatter drive me nuts). At times I even envy those parents whose teenagers don't want anything to do with them because my teenagers enjoy my company WAY too much. Oh well. At least I know where they are 24/7.

That's exactly why it's almost impossible to find one who will. In my case, I was 32 when I finally convinced them and all I heard was I would change my mind or what would my husband think. That's when I told him I would take drastic measures to force his hand. I guess he decided at that point I was nuts and I didn't need children! LOL It's crazy what you have to do sometimes.

Blessedmom, that is exactly why I did not have a kid I didn't want. I grew up with that. I would never inflict that on a child.

I know this is for mom's with AS and I have ADD but the only reason I wasn't diagnosed AS is because I can be social and tend to hate structure and rules. Everything else is AS so I can relate.

I have AS and have 3 kids. And I face those same issues every day.
http://www.cafemom.com/home/pandemicpsyche

Not a mom yet, but I am considering having a child in the next couple of years. I have u/dx AS, and so does my dad and another close relative has NLD. Growing up with a parent who has AS was not the easiest--there was definitely no touching, and he really did see things only in black and white and yelled when I didn't get it--but we got each other in a way that other people don't. We had fun conversations about science fiction and philosophy, and he always found me the coolest books about space. NT parents don't always raise little girls that way.

My fiance has many AS traits and without a doubt OCD so we are hoping and praying for our kid to have AS also because we don't think we could relate to an NT child. We are having no more than one because we couldn't stand more mess and noise than one kid could make.

I'm a teacher, and the normal, social kids bug me to no end with their stories about it being so-and-so's birthday or what happened over the weekend. I can never think of anything other than "oh really?", which makes me sound pretty lame as far as teachers go. And the poor kids have turned into clean freaks in my care! They are always asking for hand sanitizer, or to wipe off their desks, or to sweep, or for tissues. (I have a special "tissue" routine for them.) I also constantly make them line up their desks on the rows of tiles, and there are no strange odors allowed. This is all nothing compared to what my child will go endure in the cleanliness boot camp that my FI will put him/her through.

Reading about moms' experiences makes me wonder if I should put it off because I still need a lot of time in the day to myself (FI says "I'm convinced that you will spend at least 75% of our lives in bed"), but I just can't wait to have a little person just like me. What a disappointment it would be if he or she was not just like me.

my mom is AS u/dx and my youngest brother is dxed with AS.
i have an older sister with a severely autistic son. (low functioning.)
is there any information as to the genetic chances.
i think i am AS as well.
for some reason i am worried. and though i am not looking to reproduce at this time, it is something i need to consider shortly. (if i am going to have a family or not.)
i was hoping someone had some kind of factual information as to chances of the genetics being passed on to offspring. when i google it, i never find what i'm looking for.

For what it's worth, and excepting cases of abuse and the like... If a parent is doing their best to raise their kid right, the kid can pretty much overcome whatever problems they are given due to being different from their parents. I mean, once the kid is grown, there may be matters to resolve with a parent, but there really are no excuses... reasons, yes, but no excuses. So you can say you are the way you are because of your parents, but not really go on your whole life blaming them for every problem you have.

So if you have an NT kid, yeah, it'll be disappointing if you wanted an AS kid, but you'll all survive. Besides, looking at my family, even the most NT, functional sibling I have has some common ground with the rest of us, as well as a unique (for NTs) insight into the Aspie mind.

My sister, for example, just 2 years older than me and raised in similar circumstances within the family yet totally NT, has an Aspie son and now realizes I was one all along from watching him. Trouble is, she keeps carping on about it, making a big fuss. She knows what I went through and doesn't want his AS to go overlooked. It's rather backfiring in her case. But she does appreciate his sense of humor...

Guess that wasn't a very good example...