more vulnerable to sexual assault/abuse than NT females?

Post Reply New Topic

It's not a matter of being naive or trusting. It's a matter of being in the middle of something you don't understand and the terrible, clenching feeling in your throat that prevents any words from even escaping from your mouth. THAT's why you are unable to say no. Because you are unable to speak -- not naive.

Female rapists exist. That's all I know. I don't think there's anyone who could tell stats.

I've been in similar scenarios, and only years later realized the risks-because I was lucky. Apparently, never having been physically attacked/assaulted/violated makes me a statistical anomaly. Not being flippant about it, just don't know how else to explain/look for cause of why I survived this far (and haven't been harmed more). How much of my "luck" was due to my inner resources vs. due to external environment/particular individuals who crossed my path ? None of it seemed under my control, wasn't aware of making choices, and how things turned out is random except in retrospect. I want to answer the topic question but am struggling to sort it out.

Can't speak for anyone else, I'm only one person, who happens to be female-not dx'd until adulthood, so I must've seemed "normal" enough when younger. I was emotionally harassed (verbal sexual taunts) by a few students in school, but nothing compared to what others have endured. I'm a blend of both skeptical "hard-minded" cynicism & naive "fuzzy-feeling" idealism, in varying ratios at different times in my life. Parts of me (brain/personality or body/features) are offputting & parts of me are enticing, and to range of people with variety of purposes/motivations (for good or ill).
Perhaps it balances out: the ways in which I'm exposed/open & the ways in which I'm guarded/closed. I'm vulnerable to someone lying & saying they like me, because of my low self-esteem. I'm less vulnerable to getting in trouble because I'm reluctant to try new things. I've been alternately daring & cautious, and managed to have satisfactory relationships between bouts of being miserably alone (or with people I disliked & who treated me poorly). I don't know what parts of me are considered AS instead of Obsessive Compulsive Personality, Depression, or the other descriptions of how/who I am. Nor do I know how much things I learned from people or media as a child helped encourage my self-defense & protect me from abuse as a teenager/young adult. I'm afraid of people in general, but there are plenty of specific individual exceptions.

I think it is a bit late for someone to change their mind seconds before the whole act is finished (and I am female) but before the act, "no" should mean "no"!

Women with AS tend to be more vulnerable due to being less street smart, taking things literally (eg. come on lines) and not seeing that others might be dangerous. Our saving grace though is our frequent caution in social situations.

i was abused both by 'family' and strangers, often in ways that are hard to comprehend anyone doing to a child, or adult for that matter....


i've thankfully blocked out most of my past, relived only in nightmares that are becoming less horrible over time, but still remember things that i still have trouble making sense out of

like this boy who would sit across from me in jr. high class and make obscene facial expressions and hand gestures through the entire hour, directed only at me, who tired to ignore it, but couldnt understand why this boy was doing this to me and why the adults never stopped him, or listened when i spoke up....it taught me i was on my own, and i rarely complained much about stuff like that....

possible same boy, but maybe another, groped me between my legs, from behind so i couldnt see who grabbed me, while i was in the lunch line....i had had enough and kicked violently backwards and hit someone, since no one complained about getting kicked, i presume i hit the right target....

i'm sure there were plenty of other examples i dont remember anymore....and some i do...

it didn't help that at home i got much worse, from people who were supposed to love and take care of me, ....like my mother, who beat me and screamed at me and told me how fat and ugly i was, even when i was little and wasnt.....recently when i looked in the mirror, i realized i am both 'round' and pretty, which shocks me how i could believe i was so hideous and defective...and how i really am not, and i look in the mirror and see a different person these days...i no longer hate myself, as i did for a long time

and her father, the grand-oogie, who told me how i was "a good girl" while i sat on his lap,.....and chased me down and -violently- raped me when i was 8 years old or so....or the others who molested/assualted me...

and my brother, who was physically huge, who tried to beat the #$%@# out of me any chance he got, or violate my space, and i suspect my body, ...he probably learned such behavoirs from mom, who violated him...and who 'punished' me when he cried and said -i- hurt -him-!

lovely family, yes...big sigh, and it pains me to write this, but i wanted others to know that today, Dec 3, 2006, i have a life....i have a good job, that i've had for half a year, and a good relationship with my sig. other that has lasted through good times and bad, nearly 2 decades now..and that fact that people like my smile, when in the past i -rarely- had one...

and despite of, or more likely because of, my aspie-issues, and my strength and my stuborness, and my few good friends, and the help of countless people along the way who have moved on, i am healing and i am alive, and i enjoy life, at least most of the time!

i never knew i was an aspie, i never knew why i had trouble relating to people or recognizing faces, or super-sensitive senses, or any of the rest, .....or why i had a horrible family, or why this and that....but all that doesnt really matter anymore...what matters is what we do today, and tomorrow, and on and on, despite and inspite of what has been....live each day one small step at a time, even if all you can manage is a little creep forward with one toe, then back again, to test the waters...tomorrow, try again, and you will find you have made it over the river and through the woods to wherever the heck you want to be

well, off my soapbox, i just needed to write after reading alot of this stuff, and remembering my own pain...

regards.....

I am driven by a combination of my own curiosity, lust for power, and my desire for the satisfaction of basic physical drives. When it comes to how I view most people... it's largely the way a herpetologist views snakes.... they are an interesting, facinating thing to study, not something whose opinion "matters" on some emotional level or other. Their opinion matters to me only insofar as it is another data point to satisfy my curiosity with, and insofar as it progresses or impedes my goals. But even on this latter, there's no real emotional connection there. Their opinion of me has no real impact on my self-worth.



Lol. I've done many stupid things over the course of my life. But unlike most people, I've learned from my mistakes rather than just mindlessly repeating them again and again. I am not saying you do this, but it is sadly common to do so.



If you must know, I'm told I tend to "come across" as a rare hybrid between geek and thug. "Geek" from the curiosity, interest in science, and fairly broad base of facts I can regurgitate at will. "Thug" from a 'takes no s**t' sort of personality, strong opinions, periodic foul language, and smoking. lol.



Rofl, the vast majority of my friends are male, and this has been the case throughout my life. So much for being frustrated with them...

I enjoy their relative lack of social gamesmanship, their systematic thinking, their love of brawls (although alas I am largely constrained to verbal ones these days... my wrists have degenerated to the point where the more physical variety causes me a great deal of pain), their relatively uncluttered "get 'er done" approach to life, their general disdain for things that I likewise consider unimportant (fashion trends, interior decorating, etc.) their increased emotional stability, their decreased tendency to whine and obsess over other people, their tendency towards bawdy humor (toilet jokes, sex jokes, etc.)....the reasons are legion, really.

Most women, by contrast, frustrate me no end. They'd not care so much what people thought of them, if only they knew how seldom other people do. No, I don't give a damn about the hundred people I don't know and never will that the woman has pictures of. I see the typical female tendency to insinuate oneself as a domineering meddler in everyone's life and behaving as if everything would fall apart if she didn't for what it is... a desperate, controlling attempt at convincing herself and others that she has some worth as a person.



Intellectual reasons coupled with a general impatience with perpetual weakness, in my case.



It stops being a game when you refuse to play.

And yet, I've still managed to get a man, have friends, and so forth. I'm living proof that it's possible to not play the "I'm so weak, pity me." game most women like to play and still have a mate and a life.



When it comes to men in general, I get all the compatibility, shared interests, conversation, and so on... while the mates of most of them just get alternately ignored, looked down upon, and used for sex. (And when it comes to sex, my man and I are engaged and living together, so I've certainly no complaints in that department.) So yes, they can flounce around in short skirts all day long (and yet apparently the second the clothes come off the show's over... I have it on good authority that the vast majority of such women are frigid in the sack), and be treated like a blithering dolt by virtually everyone who crosses her path. I'll be over here, talking about interesting things with intelligent males, and the (unfortunately few) other women I know who are akin to myself. They can get together in their little sob-sister cliques and go to the bathroom in groups of 3+ (one wonders why some people apparently need a knot of groupies along for moral support to even take a piss, but that's another rant) and whine about how everyone ignores them and treats them like a bimbo.

Am I supposed to feel pity for them? Am I? I don't, not in the slightest.

When it comes to women who are abused... what the hell am I supposed to do about it, when they leave the abusive bastard and then either get back together with him, or move on to some son of a b***h who is exactly like him? Yes, I think men like that ought to have the living s**t beaten out of them.... but what am I supposed to do about another woman's apparent mating preferences? Until she decides to only get involved with non-abusive men, there's really nothing that can be done.



I have the capacity for "fuzzy wuzzy", but it is admittedly rarely engaged by other humans. It is most easily engaged by animals... this is perhaps why all the pets I've ever had tend to be extremely spoiled, and consider themselves the equal of any human. Some people would find that off-putting, but I find such strength of personality to be very endearing.



Hehe, don't assume I am incapable of that. That bond does not form often with me, but it can and has.



Damned straight. Power > all.

As for the rest... because I'm not a living med kit for the walking wounded? Because I have a right to live too and enjoy myself, rather than listening to the chronically unstable whine about their problems all day long rather than doing anything about them? Because all patting their hand does is provide them positive reinforcement for the act of whining? My reasons are legion.



I offered my data, to refute your claims. Additionally, since you have offered a portion of your data as well, it seems only fair.

And what is constructive, exactly? Should I get down in the amen corner and throw a big pity party, or should I show by example that life doesn't have to be like this... that women can be strong and not take s**t? Long experience back when I was more idealistic than I am now taught me something... as a means to produce positive change, pity parties don't work. Rather, they tend to just encourage more wallowing in misery. Is that constructive? No.

Was I s**t on in the past? You betcha. And in that, I can join the crowd. Male or female, who hasn't been s**t on? I mean, come on.

I think the main difference is that some people learn from it and recognize their ability to do something about it, and some do not.

ok, thank you hazelwudi. that was a fair argument. i don't think there is much need to elaborate upon this topic. perhaps, i was taking a more defensive stance on this argument because it seemed as if you were directly implying these 'women' characteristics to me. i tend to get along better with men because of thier no-nonsense approach. truthfully though, i can get along with either sex. as long as they don't come off as whining and useless. overall, i usually just refrain from direct contact with men or women. people (irl) require a lot of tending to. i just don't have the time to buffer and reconstruct thier complaints. it would be interesting to meet someone like you irl. i would like to see how you conduct yourself in social gatherings.

Me too. In school there was a boy I liked who said he liked me but was really just setting me up to make fun of me. Then he did it again.... and I accepted it at face value again. And the same thing happened. I think he did it 3 times, and every time I believed him. I was taken advantage of a lot in my teens because I also had out-of-control hormones. Combine that with AS naivete and you have a really bad combination. I still have extreme anxiety about a guy hurting me or taking me for a fool, because I can't see it coming and so imagine it all the time from the very beginning. I tend to do a lot of the pre-emptive break-up stuff. But I can't stay away from men altogether because I have a high sex-drive and impulse control problems, hehe. I'm stuck!! !!

I know I'm digging up an old topic.

Just wanted to say I also was sexually molested by older boys in the neighborhood and HS when I was a teen. Well, I'd say at even 6 or 7 yrs old I was sexual with boys in ways I didn't understand I shouldn't be. But they were my age, and kids experiment with each other to some degree.

I had a few distinct instances when I just couldn't speak up enough to make them stop.

Reading other women saying they had the same experience here is very interesting to me.

I still, after 9 months, have major problems trusting my boyfriend. But I've realized he's a lot like me... though more adhd than AS.

I could write a book....

yes, of course we're more vulnerable to sexual assaults, physical voilence, bulling, conning, and anything else there is out there... we don't know when someone is our friend and when he's a predator.
every female aspie must learn self defense. i strongly suggset krav maga. i learned kickboxing and i was damn good.
it drove me crazy how when there are many people around i was the only one, or the first one, to get bullied, hassled, and threatened. many aspies have a lost and confused look in their eyes. i was told i do. and that draws bullies and psycopaths. and not having friends to protect you doesn't help.

I had the same issue. A few times now. Once I was being myself and next thing I knew I was frozen and just didn't know how to react. This guy I had been going to for fixing my car for months was all over me in the middle of me trying to get a diagnosis on the car. I just bolted after a few minutes but, afterwards I kept thinking why didn't I knee this guy? Why didn't I headbut him and run? I don't know if I would have handled it differently if I were NT but, its happened too frequently for me to think its just coincidental. I think aspie girls/guys are more prone to sexual assault. I have been warned by friends that I need to be less open with people but at the same time I can't live all paranoid like that. I just try to physically prepare myself now by conditioning my fight responce.

After reading some posts that are blaming the victims I just wanted to say that it is not the person's fault for being sexually assaulted any more than it is a person's fault for being robbed. Even if a person knows to take precautions and even if they do so, it can still happen. That is because the criminal is an expert at it and spends all their waking energy getting better at it, while most of us just live our lives. No one wants to feel 'under siege' and in fact that's a form of PTSD to be 'hyper vigilant.'

I hate to see people blamed and being given bad advice at the same time.

Please don't put down those who allow others to determine their own self-worth. It's really not as simple as that. When you have zero self-esteem and have NO clue socially about what's right and wrong - you're very easily manipulated by others. Aspie girls like this don't know what is expected of them, and so go along with whatever is asked of them. They can't see when someone is taking advantage of them, and believes the other person is right over themselves because of self-doubt.

Also, sometimes it's to do with learning difficulties of some sort. Some people are able to learn through experience, some aren't. You can't teach someone to be more alert unless the software is there in their heads in the first place. Like teaching someone to have more self-esteem, it is near impossible.

A lot of the time as an aspie woman it's being too scared to acknowledge to someone else that *you* are in the right.

EDIT: I've just seen that she posted that 5 years ago. Let's hope she still doesn't post on here. What a b*tch.

I seem to be the opposite.

I am quite paranoid about the intentions of men I am not very familiar with, probably due to being raised in a "sheltered" environment and being given many long lectures about the dangers in the world from my parents.

I almost never get hit on either, even though I am not overweight or hideously ugly. It is as if I exude some male-repelling "vibe" that protects me from sexual advances.

Which is just fine with me.

My mom drilled into me stuff about rape and child abuse so from at least six years old I was concentrating more on potential abusers.
Despite that, I don't pick up on hints very well. While I can sense if someone is creepy to me or not, but I'm not sure how accurate that is. Sometimes people go straight past my radar.

A problem though is that I tend to become a little unresponsive (both in behaviour and emotionally) when things could be taking a turn for the worse. I've disassociated at least 3 times when someone was initiating intimacy before. I'm not sure why, but with the wrong person, that's not ideal. =S
Because I'm sociable, people can make the claim I obviously knew what was going on, but just because I can socialise naturally and enjoy it, it doesn't mean I know the intentions of those I'm socialising with. That's probably the problem with being in-between aspie and NT. >_<

Unless you're a lesbian or are otherwise asexual you'll be spending a long time without a boyfriend/husband if you continue that way.