Eye Contact

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I had troubles when I was younger, but over the years I've learned how to do it. It's really not that bad.

for me it is.

I can only do it if I'm really relaxed or really pushing myself. If I'm truly paying attention to you and focusing on the conversation, then I'm not going to be looking at you the majority of the time.

This is me having a conversation.

"So anyways..."

:looks away:

(in my head) 'MAKE EYE CONTACT!! !'

"I was talking to this person..."

:looks away again:

'DAMMIT EYE CONTACT!'

I must look really weird when I'm talking to people, because I'm constantly looking away into the distance while talking, then I realize what I'm doing and look back at the person, then look away again...

However I've trained myself to look at a person's eyes while THEY are talking as much as possible, so I suppose that makes up for it a bit!

I realized that I did not look at people in the eye about 15 years ago. At that time, i was at a job interview, and the man interviewing me, stared intensely, rudely into my eyes. I did not get the job because I could not make the connection. He scared me away. I started to just glance, as though "scanning" the mirrors in a car while driving. Maybe once every five seconds or so. So that is what I do; Scan. I prefer writing e-mails to talking face to face, but sometimes I must.

It used to be a problem. I thought that it was weird for people to look me in the eyes and that therefore, it must be rude to do so to others. I forced myself into it when people started to complain about it. They thought I was being rude! Now, I do it immediately and I don't really no how or when to stop it. It feels like I'm in a staring contest with them. I don't understand what either of us gets from it but, I do so very well now.

I have this problem when talking to guys.

I look at people's mouths. So do the majority of my family so I never realised looking at the eyes was generally preferred.

There is no way I can listen to what people are saying when I look at their eyes so I don't even bother trying. No one's ever pointed it out to me, so either they don't notice or they're too polite to say.

^ Thats it ^

When I'm listening it is possible, but gets uncomfortable after a short while. Very distracting. I am trying to sort & understand what they are saying at the same time as trying to know when looking up or down is appropriate, the staring doesn't feel right. I often half expect the other person to comment on it, because how can it be any better for them?

I just keep looking if I'm listening, but can't speak in any useful way at same time as eye contact, need to look away to think of what I'm saying.

Maybe its to do with the thinking in pictures thing. I need to look at something neutral and non distracting in order to "see" what I'm talking about.

My parents and my children don't use much eye contact, that is comfortable for me, maybe its just learnt?

I used to be able to fake eye contact sometimes, but I think I've gotten out of practice since being out of high school. If I'm talking to someone, I'll usually try to look in their general direction, but eye contact is too overwhelming for me.

It used to be a problem, and it still is sometimes especially if I am agitated or not focusing on the person in front of me. I have to remind myself a lot. I don't like making eye contact, it makes me extremely uncomfortable but I force myself to do it anyway.

What I had to figure out was how long to look at somebody and how often to look away, that took a bit of practise. Now I follow the 3 second rule (e.g. don't stare at someone for longer than 3 seconds, and try to look at them at least once in every 3 seconds if you aren't already looking at them)

Here I get accused of staring occasionally because what was "normal" eye contact from my original cultures here is considered to be "staring" and they think it's rude. I avoid eye contact here even more because of that, I just tend to glance at people or scan the area.

So I have a tendency now to look at someone if they are from my original continent, or if I really trust someone but it can still be a bit uncomfortable since I want to but I also don't want to at the same time.

I still have trouble with this, but I've gotten a lot better compared to when I was a teen - to the point where I was even able to achieve a "makes normal eye contact" comment on my ADD diagnosis sheet(I am still weighing the pros and cons for being formally diagnosed for AS). One thing I've never understood though was why people think you aren't listening to them unless you are directly staring at them. I got the "Look at me when I'm talking to you!" spiel a lot as a kid despite always being a good listener.

i never look people in the eye before...
the thing is, i think most people(that i've met) think it's a sign of submission or that i'm scared etc, and it makes me a bully magnet..
so, this year i started trying to look people in the eye when they're talking, like in the church when somebody's sharing in front of everyone...
but they seem uncomfortable(glaring at me, fidgeting, sweating, etc) when i was doing this,
so how long am i supposed to maintain eye contacts?(how many seconds? where should i look?) is it because i look at them too long? am i doing it wrong?

I can't see the words the person is saying if I have to look at them...so I don't really "hear" them if I'm focused on looking at them.
How would you know if someone is being honest if you can't see the words they're saying?

Me neither! And added to that, up until my 30s, looking someone in the eye was like looking into the beam of a powerful torch in the dark: really painful. But now I've trained myself to look at the coloured flecks in people's eyes. It's not quite the same as making eye contact because you're using your eyes for looking and not communicating, and people can always tell the difference – but I've found that I can at least pay some attention to what a person is saying if I just find something in their eyes to focus on. And it makes you look less submissive and more interested, even though most people can tell you're faking it!

l00p1n, what can happen when you're watching someone doing a presentation is that you fix your eyes on the person, but then disconnect your mind from them. I have a phrase for disconnected eyes: the 'autistic gaze'. By which I mean something that looks a bit like a crazy stare! If you're watching someone giving a performance, making a presentation, etc by making direct eye contact, you do have to keep your eyes 'alive'; I can't do this for very long, so I look at the person in short bursts, and then look down.

I'm not sure whether people know what I'm on about, it's quite hard to describe. If it doesn't, try looking at yourself in a mirror in a really attentive way with your eyebrows raised and your eyes slightly widened. Then try relaxing your eyes and your face totally and just staring back at yourself blankly. Don't worry about the facial expression, just look at your eyes. You'll see the difference between eyes that are 'alive' and eyes that are 'disconnected'. The trouble is that, because some autistic people need to unplug their brains from visual input whilst they're listening to something, they give out the disconnected eyes/autistic gaze thing without realising it.

Hope this makes some kind of sense.