Other late-diagnosed older aspie women?

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Glad you found my post useful, dizzywater. I hope your husband will get it a bit better now. Mine’s still not convinced but I’m lucky he’s willing to listen. Interestingly, he’s never won a game of backgammon against me!

At the moment, I’m counting down the days to Rudy Simone’s new book “22 Things a Woman With Asperger Syndrome Wants Her Partner To Know”, which is out in March in the US and April in the UK. I’m hoping it will help me express what I need to tell him. Maybe this will help you, too.

Like the ‘developmental delay’ phrase and explanation, EnglishLulu. Over the years, I’ve had to learn strategies to cope with a lot of my issues, especially meltdowns. For example, I know I need to eat regularly because if my blood sugar drops I turn into a raging mess. And I never make a decision on an empty stomach! Also, I make sure I lay out what I’m wearing before I get into the shower. If I leave it until after I can have a meltdown just trying to decide on whether it should be a trouser or skirt day. There are so many other ways of coping which have now become ingrained in my behaviour, which ironically would be considered as OCD traits. And because I’ve done them for so long, it’s only when I don’t do them that AS bites my a**e again.

Also, my main choice of stimming is exercise. I took up triathlon six years ago (after rowing for about ten) and I get a lot of inner peace by training and competing outside. You can’t beat swimming in an empty lake, rain gently falling down and watching a family of ducks paddle past (one of my favourite memories of training for my Ironman last year!). I’m also surrounded my fellow ‘tri geeks’, who even if they are NT show a lot of AS quirks. My main difference is that I do lot of training by myself and am more than happy to go out for up to six hours on the bike alone – bliss!

With regards to a photographic memory, mine’s not a ‘pure’ one, but in order for me to remember something I have to write it down or see it in writing. For example, if you tell me a phone number, I will never remember it. If I see it in print or on a screen, it’s as if my eyes take a picture and I can visually recall it. Can also do this with diagrams and maps. The whole concept of using mnemonics is completely alien to my brain’s way of remembering. Why use association to remember a list of things to do when I have the image of my written list in my head?

With regards to your later post, dizzywater, I’ve never tried Prozac (or any other depressant) despite having low-level depression since my early teens. Also, when my mum had a massive breakdown/spinout due to a reaction to Prozac and had to be hospitalised, I feel I can’t take the risk of the same thing happening to me. I think that sometimes it is better to deal with the devil you know.

One thought, have you considered taking a much smaller dose just to take the edge off the flight/fight response without dampening everything else? And have you tried any of the dietary recommendations that seem to make a difference (gluten & casein free)?

As for pethidone, I didn’t have any painkillers during my DDs birth, but had a horrendous time being induced which ended up in a c-section. DD was brow-presenting and wouldn’t have come out naturally however hard I tried. Throughout the whole process my body was awash with adrenaline and I was constantly contracting with no respite. And this was for about 36 hours - thankfully I had an epidural to cope with the pain. But when that wore off, my gawd, did that hurt! Mind you, the industrial-strength diclofenac they prescribed when I was recovering made me float off with the fairies for thirty minutes after taking them.

And tomboy4good it may be worth printing off this thread and showing it to the consultant – keep persevering. And ask them how many mature women with AS they’ve personally met or diagnosed. Make them question their thoughts – they may have come up with their DX before you’ve walked into the room. You may change their opinion and in turn help others. Remember, we’re all in this together and by gradually chipping away at the stereotypes we can all make our contribution to getting heard.

Voyageress, thank you for the suggestion of diet change. That is exactly what I will do. I have had terrible headaches and stomachaches recently, so I will go on my Exclusion diet from years ago, which a dietician used to solve the mystery of my 17 years of IBS (which turned out to be a reaction to very few foods, but ones I ate several times a week like nuts, milk and bananas). But the strict diet of rice, lamb, carrots and water certainly cleared my head of the treacle I seem to be thinking through right now! Luckily I love rice cakes
A week of eating the above and maybe it will become clearer what I should do.

The photographic memory I understand now. I also remember anything I see written or drawn. I often make lists then never look at then again, just seeing it written was enough to remember it (but not always). I only have to see a map once to memorise the whole lot. But verbal directions?, forget it! I get stuck the first time anyone mentions left or right, then never get to catch up with what was said during the time while I was busy figuring out which way my mental map was to turn at that point.
Those who love me find it very amusing how I can navigate flawlessly from a map I looked at the week before, yet when someone tells me "turn right" I usually respond in a panic with "which one is right?" while looking for my "non wedding ring hand" and trying not to crash.
My son tells me right and left are as unalike as up and down to him, I cannot understand that.

Prosopagnosia
Yes, EnglishLulu, that is the one which started me looking seriously at all my little differences, I have no faces which I can recall in my "mind's eye", not even my mum or my children (or me!).

Stimming
This is a word I see a lot in relation to autism, but not sure what it is. Is it like when I jump up and down on the spot when no-one except my hubbie & kids is there and it makes me feel good? Or is it more like waving my hands infront of me when I'm undecided about something or anxious, not to make me feel good, that one just happens. Or is it more like the hole which was in my granny's carpet, made by my Mum's continual spinning in circles in one place, as a child. I've not seen a good description of what it actually is so it could be other things I haven't thought of yet.

I ordered Rudi Simone's Aspergirls last night, if no-one here can tell me exactly what stimming means then maybe that book will tell me!

I think an older women's thread here is a great idea, more relavent to me anyway

PS Voyageress, 36 hours in labour, OMG, I thought I was definately not going to survive after only 4!

I am coming out of lurkdom as this thread has moved me. (Read: I sobbed my way through it). I can relate to so many of you.

I am mid-thirties and realised I am an Aspie a few weeks ago. I had my suspisions for a while, but squished them down and ignored them. I haven't really stopped thinking about it in the last few weeks. It has taken over every single aspect of my life. I have re-evaluated everything I have always known. It has always been there, I have always known I am different and/or react differently to the majority.... but I am pretty good at smoothing things over; smiling my way through, pretending I am just like everyone else.

I am happily married to an NT and we have children. He has always known I have different things about me and ways needs that need meeting, without an obvious reason. I am very happy that I can now explain these quirks to him. His patience clearly paid off.

I am exhausted and wasn't prepared to post tonight. There is so much I want t reply and answer to in this thread, but I need to go close down for a bit. I have been on the go for about 2-3 weeks now, and I am tiring early in the evening. Shall be back tomorrow to reply more consistently to some of the points, but mostly to go Oh Yes!!

Thanks for bearing with me and thanks for this thread. JUST what I needed a this time which has been a complete head ****. Mosly I cannot believe there is a term for how I am... and that are people just like me, discussing it here.

Wavelength, welcome.
It is exhausting when an idea sticks in your head every waking moment, I have been a bit like that myself over the last few weeks. I suspected I had autism all my life, when I heard of Aspergers, years ago, I again wondered. Isn't it funny how something which has always lurked in the back of your mind can suddenly loom large and take over your life for a while?
For me I had to look at it because of the other neurological problems I have, which all are commonly comorbid with autism, I could no longer dismiss it as coincidence or near-miss. I'm still not sure, but it seems likely I am somewhere on the spectrum, not sure where, but I like the idea of being part of a spectrum, I have a great love of all rainbows!

This post just gets more and more interesting. I would seem to me that those in autistic research would learn a lot by interacting and observing older women with late diagnosed aspergers. Haven't we all worked it out, pretty much on our own, until now? I would bet money that we all have superior coping abilities.

How much could we have accomplished if we could have put our energies into something other than coping? If we had been allowed to exist as we were.

Do any of you think male aspies might be more self centered than female? I'm thinking this could be why we never got diagnosed.

Not sure about males being more self-centered, but I do wonder if it is just easier to be a male aspie than a female on the spectrum. Men seem to be able to get away with a lot of social ignorance, whereas girls/women are expected to be able to participate in some fairly complicated social signals from a young age. The whole notion of Asperger's as "extreme male brain" as (I think) Sacha Baron-Cohen described it, says a lot about social expectations of both genders.

Unfortunately, that stereotype also makes it harder for us to diagnose ourselves. I don't have much in common with the popular notion of an aspie as a science or tech nerd who is very cold and unemotional so it took me a lot of digging to discover images of Asperger's that reminded me of myself.

I agree with you, unduki, it would make a lot of sense if someone researched older women like us who grew up without a diagnosis, just knowing that we were weird or had quirks that we had to learn both to accommodate and to hide. It would be great if there was some kind of awareness campaign about women with Asperger's, I'm sure there are women still out there (like I was until fairly recently) wondering what is wrong with them, why they have to expend so much energy on simply coping, why things that are easy for other people are hard for them.

I'm almost 29 and just figured out that I probably have AS a couple weeks ago. I know I'm on the younger end of things in this thread, but almost 29 years is still a long time

AS made everything in my life make sense. Everything. My marriage was terribly close to being over (and I had no clue why or even that things were that bad) when I started looking more deeply into the possibility of my having AS. Now we actually have a decent shot at working things out.

Now I know why I never fit in and always felt like I was so different... I could never put my finger on it before. My copy of Aspergirls is in the mail and will hopefully arrive sometime soon...

I am 42 and found the first 30 years the hardest by far! By 29 most people are married, with kids, finished education and it is definately too late to influence those decisions with the revelation of AS.

What the discovery has done for me is I have just completed my first winter without antidepressants for years. I truely believe that not beating myself up for my failings has made all the difference. Things get stuck in my head for days or longer and if its negative self judgement then in my case that leads to depression.
Its good to finally accept myself as simply different, if you have tried and failed to be NT for that many years you deserve a break!

"Are male aspies more self centred?"

I think that our symptoms change us from a NT female to AS female and a male's symptoms change him from NT male to AS male, so if the starting point is different the result will be different in the same ways.
If an NT male is more likely to have a bad temper or be self centred than an NT female then the same would be true of AS male vs AS female.
If bad behaviour leading to official investigation is more common in NT males compared to NT females, then I guess it will also be more common in AS males compared to AS females.

Almost certainly the female traits of putting up with more before throwing things at the walls will lead to less diagnosis in us.

dizzywater wrote:

"Are male aspies more self centred?"

I think that our symptoms change us from a NT female to AS female and a male's symptoms change him from NT male to AS male, so if the starting point is different the result will be different in the same ways.
If an NT male is more likely to have a bad temper or be self centred than an NT female then the same would be true of AS male vs AS female.
If bad behaviour leading to official investigation is more common in NT males compared to NT females, then I guess it will also be more common in AS males compared to AS females.

Almost certainly the female traits of putting up with more before throwing things at the walls will lead to less diagnosis in us."

Interesting turn of discussion. In retrospect, some of my aspie traits can be quite male. For example, I do come across as extremely self-centred and I totally hold my hands up that. In order to get my point across or empathise with others, I always seem to turn the conversation to me or my experiences. Plus, I always have to have the last word in any discussion or interaction.

Also, when I was younger, I had a hell of a temper. Little things would set me off and sometimes, when I was really vexed, I would literally get a white light explosion in my eyes and it was like a firework going off in my head. Think of when the Hulk went ballistic! When angry, I used to hit out at inanimate objects and I had no sense of control whatsoever. I even remember chucking a chair at a teacher in primary school once. But for some unexplained reason I never was referred for any psychological evaluation. It seemed to be blamed on my upbringing. But this was the late 70s/early 80’s so who knows… Maybe the blonde hair and blue eyes combined with ability to charm when necessary saved me from being locked up in the ‘funny farm’.

Even though I’ve mellowed with age and life has worn me down, I am still go ballistic every now and again. Maybe I’ve just learnt to put up with things a bit more.

What's also interesting is that it's been commented on that I appear 'angry' (one of the criticisms from my last employer). Whether it referred to my demenour or my facial expression, I may never know because I hope to never see that that bunch of snakes ever again, but it amazes me how the social conventions don't allow women to be 'angry'. There's also an interesting thread about this on the Women's Discussion board.

I feel in my heart of hearts that not only me, but the majority of my 6 brothers and sisters are aspies. I am 52 now. At present, I cannot take any diagnosis and will not even try because I am in a field where I would suffer discrimination if I were to do so. Such a thing might destroy my career. I've been okay till now. I need some advice, but I feel good about myself. I have only wondered where my predilections come from. I am so Aspie it is not funny!
Katy

This is the exact reason I went off Paxil. I took it for a few months when I was having panic attacks at work. It did help with the anxiety, but my focus went out the window to the point I thought I might jeopardize my job. I also felt like a different person on it, and could be extremely obnoxious. I keep medication as an option in the back of my mind, but try to manage stress through exercise, mindfullness, etc.
As for social skills, I am learning more each day and realizing just how far behind I've been. I've always avoided small talk as trivial, not seeing it as a stepping stone into relationships. I'm now trying to be more social and reciprocate more conversationally, and I guess just trying to make some friends. It's so exhausting, but I've really been feeling the need for more social outlets in my day to day.

This is the best thread I have found on this site so far! Why did it take me so long to find it?

I was diagnosed last September at 43. Suddenly everything makes sense, sort of. Nothing has really changed but my perspective. I am looking for more information about women with AS and some concrete strategies that will actually help with some of my issues.

I concur about the antidepressants. Yes, they work but they also deaden parts of me that I am quite fond of, ie: creativity, sense of humour and sexuality. I wonder if there is another drug that would help with the anxiety etc with out making me feel like I have no soul?

Ynnep why did you feel the need to get disagnosed? I keep coming back to this same question of where is the advantage of having medical professionals agree with you. Does it outweigh the disadvantages of having to declare it to insurers and prospective employers?
The only two diagnosed people I have met in real life were boys diagnosed young and they got schooled in a more helpful way as a result. I can see why that would be useful, but I have wondered what the advantages are at our age.
Is it for the certainty so you can move forward with it?
I'm sorry if all these questions sound impertinent, I don't mean to, I'm just a curious person about everything, and this is an issue I have been mulling over

My most taxing issue at the moment is my teenage son bringing home new friends who I struggle to talk to, say the wrong things to and there is not a chance of me recognising them next time we meet too unless I am told in advance.

I asked him what was expected of me beforehand, then followed his instructions exactly, but I still think I could have been friendlier, I just kind of freeze up, desperately in need of an icebreaker. Lucky my husband was there, he is able to talk to anyone anywhere and make them laugh into the bargain, one of the reasons I married him

I guess the step forward was that I asked my son to tell me how to behave, he could base this on what other mums do when he goes to their houses. My mum is a bit aspie too, so I've not a lot to go on there. Asking is not the most obvious thing for a mum to do, but I'm glad I did.

The other step forward I have made is to stop blaming my mum for not teaching me how to behave in social situations. I now realise that I wouldn't have been a good learner and she wouldn't have been a good teacher. She did her best while preserving her sanity by avoiding certain situations, I can't blame her for that! I finally understand it.

What are the issues you are finding difficulty with at the moment?

posted twice by mistake

Last edited by Ynnep on 20 Mar 2012, 1:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Dizzywater, I sought out diagnosis as a sort of last resort. I found a psychologist and paid out of pocket for her to test me. I told her that I just wanted to know once and for all what the hell was wrong with me, I think I didn't even care what the answer was as long as it was something, you know? I was convinced that I either really had AS or that I was completely nuts. Either way, I wanted some kind of validation.

As for telling anybody or insurance related issues, I'm not sure what you mean. I haven't really told very many people, the diagnosis was for myself. I have always been odd but not completely out to lunch so nothing has changed other than perhaps my self acceptance. Which as I type this, I realize is huge. So yeah, worth it.