How would you react?

Post Reply New Topic

I thanked Nerdygirl because of her emphasis on the word *you* and because she highlighted the inaction and responsibility of the observers.
I did ASK for reactions, and I have not been defensive or belittling of any input, even if it stung to read it. I think I also demonstrated that I gave these points active consideration and exploration.
Of course there are wider implications of a thread discussing unwanted physical/sexual contact, I believe dialogue about these small incidents raises awareness and promotes understanding... It doesn't have to be the perfect reaction/post/wording to achieve that.
Don't you think that another girl lurking will take value from yours or Starkids posts, that everyones words on this incident can be transferable to another similar scenario?

Last edited by Amity on 03 Apr 2015, 9:10 am, edited 1 time in total.

At least twice "priorities" were mentioned - how THE "priority" was making sure this guy knew in no uncertain terms that what he did was unacceptable.

That puts a lot of pressure on Amity as if it is *HER* responsibility, and hers alone, to make sure that the "priority" is kept a priority.

It was also communicated that if she didn't deal with this publicly, she didn't deal with it correctly and is perpetuating the problem.

I only wanted to say that she is not solely responsible for this! The guy did this in FULL VIEW of the family. ANY ONE of these other people could have addressed it and come to Amity's aid. I am more upset with all of THEM than I would be with her!

Now that I think about it... ditto ^

I referred to that for the context of the look but dont touch analogy, everyone knows that rule.

I would tell him harshly not to touch me and I would point out that he was not only disrespectful to me but his wife.

I omitted the context in the OP because I knew that it does not matter who the offender is... With the aim that other people can respond based on that skeleton information, a few people who might know my situation better than others posted with an additional understanding, which is relevent to me, but not the OP. It doesnt make it wrong, or mean that the priorities are messed up.

In that moment though I did not react as I usually would, but reverted to an old response attached to unpleasant memories, and this has surprised me, as I would normally have reacted in a similar way to the majority of the respondents. For me this is not black or white.
There are some themes like low self esteem, avoidance, a messed up past etc that complicate my perspective on this. I know right from wrong but this situation was just not that straightforward to me, I would like to figure this out though, again, thats why I posted about it.

It's a longstanding belief of mine that one's understanding of right & wrong, among other things such as authoritative demeanor and (preferably) calming reconciliation can be imparted on a room full of people without necessarily saying or doing anything.

Considering the fact you didn't report anybody freaking out, you must have done something right.

No, I dont believe that I done anything the right way... I glared at him, which kept it as a non event, I avoided all contact with him for the remainder of the vacation, so there was no follow up. I compensated for him so that it remained a peaceful break for everyone on a once in a lifetime "get together"; I think that was the best thing to do, but maybe not the right thing.

Last edited by Amity on 04 Apr 2015, 7:19 am, edited 1 time in total.

There is no clear-cut right-and-wrong in this situation.

You did what you felt was best considering all the factors in the circumstance. That's all you can do. Don't beat yourself up about it or second-guess yourself.

It sounds like everyone had a good time. Perhaps you put others' needs for peace ahead of your own need to establish a boundary or set someone straight. That is OK to do in certain situations, and completely within your prerogative.

None of this has rested well with my moral compass. It's nice to read the words it's OK. Thanks.

Well, Amity, I still maintain that had you reacted strongly it would have embarrassed his wife. I think you did the right thing. The guy made an idiot of himself. It would be a good idea looking forward to anticipate similar behaviour from him. He's obviously stupid enough to try again.

It would have embarressed his wife, even more, I couldn't do that to her, she is someone I care about. It will likely be a few years before I meet either of them again, and there won't be a repeat experience when we next meet.
I think his impulse control issues have and will continue to cause her problems, it's just been hidden/she has made allowances, irrespective of his neurology he really should know better at 60+.

I wonder if they're declining. If you've known him for a bit and this is the first time he's done something like his, it could be a sign of early onset dementia.

It is possible, he's not NT, and there was alcohol involved (not copious amounts). He is normally a quiet mild mannered guy.

One absolutely right thing you could do then would be to seize the moral high ground (already yours btw, just stake your claim) and express concern for the well being of all involved.