Bullied by Family Members over the Way You Dress?

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Not my clothes, it's my hair. I think my Ma wouldn't mind if I was bald, but she keeps harping on me to get it cut short like hers. OK, my hair is now almost to my butt, but that's because I have other stuff to do and don't have time to get my hair cut. The real reason though is that I hate getting my hair cut. I loathe it with a passion. It's a little long, I accept that. However, I can do more with the long locks than when it's short. Anyway, that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

The shingles is the result of stress. It's emotionally hard to cut off toxic people, and such a move forces you to come to term with the facts you are - for all intents and purposes - an orphan, even though the people that gave you life are alive and well. My body reacted to that stress by gaining an unholy amount of weight that sent my pre-existing diabetes out of control, and by shedding what little hair remained after my son's autism diagnosis.

Now about those "flying monkeys" aka the "messengers" : Yep... she will attempt to "rally" support to her cause, and tell anyone who would care to listen about what a horrid daughter you are, and how you cut them off for no reason other than that they did X / Y / Z. These "flying monkeys" will then be guilt-tripped into approaching you for a rapprochement. And if you should refuse to reconcile, then that would be used a further "proof" about just what a terrible human being you are. Pretty soon, unbeknownst to themselves, these flying monkeys will make such a nuisance of themselves that you will even be forced to cut THEM off for your sanity's sake. In my case, my Mum thought it would be a BRILLIANT idea to involve my mother-in-law in the unholy mess. Oops-sie-doop... let me tell you, BOTH women now dearly regret it. And they BOTH deserve each other. Then, not content with having one screw-up blowing up on her face, she moved on to involving her sons, her nephews, and the random neighbour across the street into my business.

Your mother is waltzing down that same path... first it's your groomer, then it'll be your sister-in-law's ex-husband's niece's classmate, then it could be your second cousin five times removed, and she'll keep going until you make contact and tell her to cut it out. My suggestion ? Don't rise to the bait. Black hole all her communications, and ignore the flying monkeys when they start to talk about her. Let them know that your relationship with her is YOUR business, and it's not up for discussion. If the flying monkeys get offended, so be it. Time to cut *them* off too. At this point, your loyalty is to yourself, and the first order of business is self-preservation, which means that you ABSOLUTELY need to cut off anyone who might interfere and derail your attempts to distance yourself from your "parents". Oh, and a word to the wise. Your siblings are HIGHLY unlikely to be on your side. It's just human psychology that admitting that your parents were crappy people might mean coming to terms with their own uncomfortable memories of a childhood that was probably just as screwed up as yours was, so they will attempt to deny everything and blame YOU for the cut-off. Be aware, and keep distance.

Eventually, she'll give up. Especially if you studiously black-hole her communications, and ghost out on her. Block her on social media, block her email and phone numbers, and change your own contact information. Avoid shopping at the same stores that she shops, and if you are the types to attend a religious institution on a certain day of the week, then either go to a different institution or go on a different day. Do not attend any family gatherings or any social events that you know - or have reason to suspect - that she will attend. If she can't find you, or make contact with you, then she can't harass you.

BTW, mine lived so far away that she couldn't just show up at my doorstep, but if yours can, then MOVE. Or, if that's not possible, then simply don't answer the doorbell, keep your garage closed and the curtains down until you know that she has given up on you, and moved on.

The reason that you *have* to avoid her *and* all of her flying monkeys is this : Eventually, she will attempt to force your hand, by resorting to emotional blackmail, and send word that if you do not contact her by such-and-such time on such-and-such date, then you are as dead to her. If nothing else beats you down, this threat will, if you have made no REAL attempt to cut her out of your life. However, if you have created a lot of space / time / distance with her, then you will actually welcome her "threat" to leave you alone because, by then, it's no longer a "threat", but a very welcome sign that she's *finally* giving up and moving on. You will have won this war for your sanity and well-being.

This, too, will pass. It may seem a long way off, but eventually your shingles will be in remission, just like my hair grew back and my diabetes is under control again. Until then, hang in there and take good care of yourself. Good luck !

Luckily she only visited the groomer to say congratulations on her new shop because she thinks this groomer's prices are too high for what you get, so I'll likely be safe.

While my sisters are on my mom's side, my maternal grandmother is not. She is wondering where she went wrong with my mom that she needs brand name things and makes nasty comments on my every dress. If she knew my mom called me a tub of lard and said that I has cottage cheese thighs when I was ten, she would go ballistic.

Luckily she mostly shops at Walmart, which I refuse to go into. I'm also an atheist, much to my mother's chagrin, so that's not happening either. While I live five minutes away, I also am rather out of the way. I live five miles from the nearest gas station and fifteen from the nearest grocer.

I never have been bullied by family members but other people like at school and stuff. I have never dressed in the way my biological sex says I should dress. I am a lesbian and I dress in "male" "unisex" clothes. During middle school and high school I would get teased and bullied.... really badly. In college I get told I am in the wrong bathroom because of my short hair... and clothes. But my family has never made fun of me, thankfully because I couldn't live with every place I go to, to be bullied and uncomfortable.

As hard as it is ignore them, be comfortable in your skin. Maybe talk to your family members about it?

I've tried, and they tell me I'm too homely and should not leave the house without a smattering of makeup, and that I have no personality and thus cannot pull off the "pariah" look.

My advice is to ignore what they say about how you dress. Clothes are supposed to express what you like and personal tastes. Never apologize for how you dress.

Sometimes I've felt the need to apologize for not wearing men's shirts unless I'm exercising or whatever. I feel comfortable in women's clothing. I have been told that I look great in everything I wear so it works out.

I'm sure you look awesome in your clothes too.

gotcha.

i can count the times on one hand where i've been taken to a barber or hairdresser that wasn't my aunt, as a kid. when i am there she usually just talks to my dad (who has been bugging me about my hair for the majority of my life) about insurance or her adult children or whatever but she sometimes tried to to talk to me and it was horrible. she speaks at least twice as fast as a normal person, and since i like to move around a lot while i talk, her having a pair of razor sharp scissors to my scalp at the same time isn't exactly useful. thus i also loathed getting it cut...at least by someone else.

my hair is just past my ears, but very thick and difficult to tame. i now resort to shredding my hair with scissors in the bathroom on occasion, hiding it the bin. usually some strands lay strewn abut in the bathroom floor only to be vacuumed later.

i don't think they appreciate that.

By my grandmother only. She used to make comments such as "I'm going to buy you a frilly dress" and "Why don't you wear dungarees like the other girls?". When I got older I felt like saying to her she should be happy what I was wearing, because a lot of my classmates were wearing revealing clothes and at least I wasn't doing that. Later she began to lose her vision and saw what she wanted to see. She said to me one day "that's a nice pantsuit you have on" when I wasn't even wearing a pantsuit. "Thanks", I said just to not get into another argument with her. My mother would stand up to her with me though, explaining I don't like how things feel just as she hadn't liked the way turtlenecks feel.

Hugs and support for you!

that's nice of your mother.

my dad would just, nearly blindly, agree with whomever criticized my clothes.

My mother's two sisters constantly bully her over her "homely" appearance and how she doesn't wear makeup or jewelry. What's ironic is that they are two of the ugliest women I have ever seen! I even hated looked at them as a child they looked so hideous, especially with the war paint they wore!

Definitely bullied and ridiculed by my sister for not brushing my hair or matching my clothes. It made me feel ugly on the inside and overtook my desire to dress kind of like my impression of a punk rocker. Since I've gotten older my sister has offered me compliments here and there about things she admires and wishes for herself. But never anything having to do with my independent choice of style.

The self-consciousness I developed as a kid about my appearance has had the cost of making me very careful to blend into the crowd. I don't want to dress eccentrically to prove they're wrong. I want to be around people who do that themselves (wear men's clothing) and support me for doing that and I'm slowly learning the difference.

I like the way Shura dresses:

https://www.google.com/search?q=shura&r ... Iojtf3M%3A

I say don't change your ways as to how you dress on account of your rude family. Continue dressing how you dress, however try not to attempt to justify it to them or convince them there's nothing wrong with it...otherwise it seems they think they can just pressure you till you eventually give in. Just change the subject if they bring it up or tell them it's none of their business...and if they wont leave you alone walk away, you're not obligated to spend any time around them if they can't respect you.

I suppose if you live with them you have to interact with them in person, but if you have a husband I imagine you and him don't live with your family.

It might seem that way, but it's as easy as not going over and knocking on their door to visit or turning them down if they invite you. Maybe you're afraid that would be rude? Well I wouldn't concern yourself with that, they don't even have basic respect for you, you have to make a stand and show you aren't just going to put up with the constant put downs.

Thankfully we're moving 12 hours away from both families and there will be a moratorium on visits for at least a year while we get settled, so that will be fairly easy.

OH the SHAME! i think your family is an extreme example, but the fact that you haven't given in to their trivial tyranny is pretty damn cool in my book
i'm the oldest sister of three. the middle one sometimes tells me i look awkward or something but she's chill. the youngest one is more like my mom in how she's started to shame everyone else in the family (including my father) for what they're wearing, but she's also in her freshman year of high school so i give her some slack and brush it off.
MY MOTHER though, she always has something to say about my appearance, usually of the snide variety. when i was living with her she would actually throw clothes away if she deemed them unworthy without even telling me. she's also very against holes and paint stains and such things, which is an inevitability for me but also part of my personal style. beyond clothing and shoes, my hair and skin is a likely target. even deeper than that, my body shape and fat distribution is game too. i'll always remember when i was just a kid doing gymnastics and she told me to tuck my armpit fat into my leotard so the judges wouldn't think i was fat. comments like this were a daily occurrence throughout my childhood and teenage years, and even as an adult whenever i go to visit her i can expect some comment about how my body is and/or what i should be doing to "fix" it. it sucks because i think she's projecting her own insecurities on to me and my sisters without realizing the damage.