Dating, naiv, reading the mind of a guy

Post Reply New Topic

I know what you mean. Theoretically. I haven't actually done anything like that for 16 years.

Yes, it's fairly normal to want to cuddle up to your partner and wanting to just be held by him, when you are feeling unsafe or upset. This might actually be a warning red flag that he's only in it for the sex, if every time you need some TLC and cuddling, he ends up wanting to have sex instead, especially if this is a brand new "relationship".

Basically, a relationship should be a friendship plus more. You wouldn't be friends with someone who doesn't call you back and won't be seen in public with you. You wouldn't be friends with someone who puts you down and doesn't take an interest in your life.

^ Exactly that.

Short, sweet and bull's eye.

Marry your best friend, and you cannot possibly go wrong.

OP, since you already have some male friends who share your interests, and who seem to respect you, I would try to see if any singles among them can be "upgraded" into a boyfriend. That may be the safest, happiest and the best choice for you. You are guaranteed - at the very least - to avoid the creeps and the players. Look into it.

Good luck !

Apart from no-go men like sex maniacs or/and psychopaths (you have already got pretty complete red flag lists), things are not that easy.

Some guys have really trouble with flirting and reacting to what comes from the other side (must be worse if the signs from you are ambivalent, because you are not sure) or to digest their disappointment if they are rejected, in particular if they belong to the group of guys that tend to be rejected a lot by people in general and women in particular (aspies?). (If he throws a tantrum after knowing you just for a short time, red flag!) That does not necessarily mean that they are interested in nothing but sex or that they are really bad guys, just frustrated or a bit of choleric. (Hey guys, this does not mean that it is a good idea to show your disappointment in an off-putting way, or to consider a relation built with a woman a loss of time when it does not lead to the romantic relationship you have hoped for. It is in fact a very frustrating experience for us women if a man completely looses any interest once she has rejected him as a romantic partner, all too often it is this reaction of yours with which you give away the chances for a friendship to develop into something more than a friendship. I mean: what would you think of a friend who stops seeing and contacting you, just because you did not want to go with him to his favorite theme park? I know: sex is not a theme park, but a romantic relationship is or should be much more than just sex).

On the other hand, if you start to get really turned on by someone, and this CAN happen early in a relation, it is difficult to hold back. Then the body of the other gets more into the focus. For many people (mostly men) it seems to be easy to truly get aroused by the other without her or him reciprocating the attraction. In that aspect I am fortunate: I feel only truly attracted to someone who feels truly attracted to me, must be the NT part (or the female-passive part?) of me.

Then a mainly-sex relationship can turn into something more, and be a really relaxed and good relationship, and later friendship. Yes, yes, I know, it happens not that often, but still ...

As for your ex-boyfriend he might have rather been the psychopathic type who tries to get whatever kind of emotions he can get from a partner, and trusts more in the negative ones. Unless your aspie behavior has been really upsetting and annoying for him. (Did he know about you being aspie, and understood the condition well? was he on the spectrum himself or NT? What did he complain about? What exactly makes you think that the relationship could have been for him a sexual-only one?)

Maybe they just want to have sex with you, because they don't find you have a good personality. *shrugs*. Dating a woman just for sex is frustrating and boring. I LOVE sex, however trying to talk to women whom I have nothing in common with in order to get sex is too much of a pain to deal with. I've introduced women to movies and hobbies that I love. Why would I do that, if I just want to f**k them? I do NEED sex in a relationship. I have high testosterone after all. That being stated, I don't JUST want to have sex with them. If that was the case, I would tell people I'm a Bernie Sanders supporter and pretend to like things that I don't. I can't do that, I have too much integrity.

Do you enjoy it when women introduce you to movies and hobbies that they love?

So your point is that you don't just want to have sex and introducing women to movies and hobbies you are interested in is a sign of that ??! ! Do you realize that some women may not share your tastes in movies or have particular interest in your hobbies ? What, then ? Do you try to get to know the women better by getting yo know more about their lives, their interests, their goals in life, their friends etc ??

Or do you just stick around for the sex because of your "high testosterone" and bail when the first option presents itself ??

OMG what was all that about? If those women have different interests, then what? Should he only be allowed sex with a woman that have similar interests to him??? I think most people would like to be in a relationship and as I stated before, I believe that even if things don't work out in a long run, that doesn't mean a guy was only interested in sex.

As Keen hasn't answered my question I'm not sure what to think about his claim that talking about his interests is a show of interest in another person.
I would think it would be the reverse. He would be interested in learning about her interests.
Ideally both would be interested in the other's. Frankly I'm not sure that talking about my interests would be a show of interest in another person, unless they had a particularly piqued curiosity regarding Victorian sewage management.

He he, yes, it would be but from autistic point of view only

Then what ? Then he tries to see if HE can like her hobbies and get interested in her interests, instead. Or is that too much to ask for ? What I am saying is that introducing his hobbies and interests to a woman does not necessarily mean that he is INTERESTED IN THE WOMAN, just that he is talking about his own self-interests.

What does he do to show his interest in the woman if she does not happen to like his hobbies or share his interest ? Does he explore the woman's hobbies, and try to learn more about her interests ? If he does not do this, but still wants sex with her, then yes, he is in it for the sex.

OMG, does that make sense ?

I'm sorry if I upset you. I can see you have strong opinion on the subject. However, I never explored interests of any guys who I was interested in. It could be something to do with my autism... I moreless knew what they were interested in, if they wanted to talk about that, that was fine, I would listen but it would be just subject for a conversation, but I would not explore it in any way, tried once or twice but got horribly bored very quickly. So I am able to imagine that a guy may feel similar about a girl interests and still be really into her.

I couldn't be in a relationship with someone whose interests I found boring. I'm not saying I'd need to enjoy ALL their interests, but the majority of them, yes.