Female Autism

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It's not worth masking it. I felt like crap an tried masking it a little bit, for only about 6 months of my almost 20 years of existence.

Being yourself is a lot less stressful but, sure as heck still is.

I don´t relate so much with the girl in the video. The truth is that masking didn´t come naturally to me. As a child, my symptoms were pretty obvious, even though I had no speech delay and did not seem to meet full criteria for autism (I was diagnosed with PDD NOS when I was still in preschool). My parents and my teachers taught me some basic social skills and I acquired them slowly, but everything had to be explicit. I did not bother with masking or fitting in until I became a pre-teen and was suddenly aware of the fact that everyone had friends except myself. I tried masking when I was 12, imitating my classmates and socializing with them, but I sucked at that. I had not been told of my diagnosis (my parents kept that from me until I turned 21) yet I was aware of the fact that I was different from everybody else. Every time I interacted with another person of my age I told my self "Don´t let anyone notice how weird/crazy/stupid you are". But I didn´t know how to hide it. I knew I was doing something wrong, but I didn´t know what, or how to correct it. The consequences were bullying and exclusion.

As a teen I became withdrawn, again fitting what is considered the "male" version of autism. I did not care about making friends, for I assumed my previous failures meant I was not born to have friends or any relationship with non-family members. However, now I was older and a bit smarter socially, so I could learn some rules of social interaction by watching my mother and my sister talk with their friends. Besides, I still had some tutoring done by my mother, who criticized and mocked me when I stimmed or sat with an awkward posture. By the time I was 18 I was proficient in making casual small talk with acquaintances, as long as I could talk about something I liked, but I had lost all my motivation to have closer relationships. Now I´m 22. I´m about to finish college and having my first work experience. The few times I chose to tell someone about my diagnosis they believed me, but one of them (a teacher) confessed that she had never thought there was something "wrong" about me, aside from having an unusual personality. I think most people know that I´m different, but they don´t associate me with their idea of autism, which is usually made up from very exaggerated movies.

As for the special interests part, I think the woman in the video didn´t mean that we don´t have them: she was trying to say that even though we do have them, they are often more common and typical of our gender and age. However, my special interests were always unisex (Harry Potter, the history of the Holocaust, Game of Thrones, personality types, ASD). They aren´t so unusual, though.

I think it´s true that many women learn how to mask their symptoms by imitation and that they often miss diagnosis as a result, but that doesn´t happen to all of us. For me, "masking" was something I had to be explicitly taught as a child, and even now I don´t always do it. If I can pass for normal now, it´s mostly because of the advice, tutoring, criticism and bullying that have influenced my behavior.

I didn't mask, and didn't ever care about peer pressure, always thought I'd rather be myself and like myself, than pretend and not be happy. People either thought I was stuck up, or if they got to know me, they realised I was nice and just quieter than others. I've become more aware that I come across as disapproving or grumpy to people. I don't like being fake and do find it hard to mask my dislike for certain people, if I don't like æ person I find it near impossible to look at them or talk to them.