Accepting anxiety as a feature of being a woman with ASD

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It's no problem.
It took me a while to understand that most aspies deals with anxiety all too often, that they'd likely approach logical and safe approaches.
That I shouldn't judge them for being 'stuck' because it's the 'safest' choice, that they haven't figured... It's just human to react that way.


Because seriously, what any 'sane' aspie decides to 'take on chaos' of an already overwhelming and confusing world, and then rely on it than avoid, minimize or directly fight it with counter forces of assurance/coping/compensation?

Magz, that's something I've become better at, but only when it is safe.
My SO has ASC too, when we are together or when I'm alone I can just be me.
Its around others that it's not so safe, that's just the reality of my circumstances, it might change, but that's not likely to happen soon.

So I'm making the most of what is achievable, like reducing work as it's a massive source of unpredictably and unhealthy standards for me to meet.
Cutting corners as best I can to make this more sustainable.
Got to work though to maintain independence, I dont really have other options.
At least I have that autistic space now, that didn't exist 5 years ago.

Sanity is subjective if you ask me

I didn't have idea I needed autistic safe space 5 years ago
I didn't have idea other people didn't put nearly as much effort as I did into everyday functioning.
I didn't have idea who I was and what I needed.

Now I'm learning to redirect the energy and skills from masking to self advocacy and slowly push the friendly zone further and further.

You do the right thing, I hope you get better every month now

Ha! I like this. I'm not quite there, but getting there.

Socialization. Sheldon on TV seems to lean towards "pretentious" rather than anxious. I am sure it's been suggested that's more acceptable for men than women. I used to be "pretentious" so my mom reprimanded me again and again. I developed shame, another source of anxiety. My young Aspie daughter is now "boasting" and I am looking to find a better balance for it and to do so without shame. When it's just us, I'm all for it! (ensuring she's lifting herself without putting others down). When it's relative to others (little brother boasts first), I gently suggestion she uplift the other person along with her, e.g. "little brother, that's great... and I am proud that...".

Last night I was exploring with my mom that we are uncomfortable in many situations (loud, social) and are interpreting that Discomfort as "I don't fit" or "I'm not good", rather than using the Discomfort as motivation to accommodate ourselves or ask others to do so.

I think that's a next step I want to take: I feel Anxious - what do I want here, in this situation, rather than Flight, deep breath so it's not a Fight (or Freeze).

It's not easy.
I needed over a year of therapy to release my anger on a person who violated me. And before that, two different mental health specialists had to confirm I was violated.

We are taught to be nice and while it's nice to be nice, too much of it it can ruin one's ability to defend themself.

But I've discovered that with masking, I gained quite a lot of diplomatic skills and now I can use them to explain myself to others instead of pretending to be like them. But it was a long way for me to even learn who I am.

magz,

I really admire the ways you self-advocate by explaining your needs to others. I have a situation which is somewhat related.

I have a friend who is very NT who works a high-pressure corporate job about 60 hours a week. She doesn't like to text or correspond online (Facebook), because she says she gets tired of staring at computer screens all week at work. She likes to speak on the telephone. I do not do telephones. I don't answer her calls. I have never initiated a call to her. She gets frustrated and texts me, and we see each other occasionally. During the visits she tells me that I have to accommodate her needs (speaking by phone), and I tell her she has to accommodate my needs (using text or Facebook rather than telephone). I have explained about Autism. She basically says, "I understand, but my needs matter too". I'm ready to throw in the towel on this person, not out of spite but because I just can't handle telephone calls. Her friendship isn't that valuable to me that I would change for her. She thinks I'm being cold and selfish.

Any thoughts?

Well, Isabella, what do you need the phone calls / facebook messages for? Maybe you are just incompatibile for this form of friendship and it's nobody's fault.

Thank you. I agree with you. She's trying to make me feel guilty but I don't see why it's anyone's fault. I'm detaching, but she keeps pushing the issue that I'm not flexible or compassionate. Thanks for the validation.

You are quite inflexible but you have very good reasons to be much less flexible than the majority of people. It has nothing to do with your compassion as you are deeply compassionate and considerate.

A compromise situation. Her name calling doesn't sound like a good friend at all.

I hate to say, but I'm not compromising. I'm selective mute and I really avoid telephones unless it is someone very important and the call can't be avoided. Yes, I'm inflexible and I know that. I understand that her needs matter too, but I can't change without extreme discomfort and I'd rather abandon the friendship. Her friendship isn't that important to me, it's sad to say.

I mentioned this story because it relates to self-advocacy and anxiety. I have a lot of anxiety because I feel badly saying (essentially) "I can't be your friend any more because I'm too inflexible". For me there's no hard feelings and I'm just being honest, but to her I'm a terrible person. I guess that says it all.

I relate so much to this. It's such a shame that we can't be honest about these things without being seen as awful people. Personally I feel that I put a lot more work into adapting to their (neurotypical) world than they do to mine, so it does seem very unfair to me when I ask for an adaptation to my needs such as this, and it isn't deemed acceptable.

I'm meant to be messaging an old school friend this week so that we can meet up. Her mother (who I work with) and my own mum are pressuring me. I haven't seen this person in seven years and I don't have anything to say to her, despite our having been very close friends at the time. I wish there wasn't anything wrong in my expressing this. The amount of distress it's causing me is profound, and that's before the meeting itself has even been arranged. I wish only the best for her but I don't want to have to be her friend again.

One of the things I needed to adopt when moving from masking to self advocacy was - some people will find me an awful person and I can't help it.
Some people do find me an awful person, especially when I challenge their world views - but, as Fnord has currently put on his signature,

Thanks, magz. I love that quote and it helps me keep perspective. To answer your question about why her Facebook (Instant Messaging) correspondence was important to me, I realise it's because the height of our online friendship was prior to me discovering WP. I wanted someone to type to! When she tried to move into telephone and real life visits I just found her exhausting, and I couldn't match the pace.


rachey,
Big hugs for what you're going through. I hope you know we all understand how debilitating social pressure can be. Ideally you'll explain to this friend that you prefer your autonomy now, and she'll understand. I wish the mothers weren't getting involved, though. Let us know what happens!

I have had that same problem, expectations that I couldn't meet friendship wise.

It was another source of anxiety, I couldn't relax and just be me. Gave up on friendships that were typical, dont have the energy for it. Prefer having acquaintances, or situational friends, people I rarely remember to stay in contact with, but like to meet up with me every so often.

I don't have the energy for friendships, family/relations, work and a romantic relationship. So I gave myself permission (cuz I can, lol) to cut back on the friendships.