Keep grieving for the son I'll never have

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I used the community resources I found. Growing up my parents were fairly unavailable to me, as was so for my spouse. We fended for ourselves in our respective great outdoors: I would wander the woods for hours and my spouse would wander the beach for hours. It seems that Autistic folks (my spouse is Allistic, but ND) benefit from nature also. I suspect that you were resourceful with what was available to you in the way that you could be given your circumstances, or your child was.

Who are you addressing this comment to exactly?

I didn't have the money for toddler groups if that's what you mean? Nor a car to take her places.

We just went for walks, to the play park or wherever. Generally the days were long and boring.

When I was young I had lots of friends, everyone played outside and life was fun. In this village where I live now, I didn't make any friends so few people invited my daughter anywhere. I think life is seen as more dangerous now days and children mainly stay indoors or in their gardens to play.

I feel that the experience of giving birth is just as painful as those torturing practices they did back in the medieval times. Yes I know the torturing ended in a slow and painful death and childbirth doesn't, but the pain is most likely equal. And as someone who has a low tolerance to pain as it is, I might as well be sticking myself on one of those torture devices and suffer through the experience except without dying. Yes it will end in the blessing of a beautiful little baby but I still don't think I can put myself through the pain.

Men are so lucky in this regard (no, this isn't going to be a men vs women thread, I'm just pointing out how men are lucky that all they need to do is put their baby in the womb and then wait 9 months with no pain or sickness or discomfort, and then see the miracle of their beautiful baby).

It reminds me of a meme I saw once:-

"I want a baby of my own but I don't want to get pregnant or go through childbirth but I don't want to adopt either, do you see my predicament?"
"Basically you want to be a father."


And this is so true.

It is painful but that's what drugs are for. You wouldn't be expected to go through teeth extraction without pain relief, so why go through childbirth without it?

However, having children is an ENORMOUS commitment, only do it if you are 100% sure about it. And if you have a great network of friends, family, supporters. That is vital. Doing it without a network is impossible.

I chose med-free deliveries. I laugh (inside) when people tell me I was brave. No: My fear of medicinal side effects was that much greater than my fear of severe pain. In fact, I was driven by fear to have a child (what was I going to do with that part of my life otherwise?). You are driven by fear (of nausea and pain, and other factors) to not have a child. They say to direct our lives by what we want, not by what we fear. I find too often I am directed by fear. I make the best of it. Right now I would like my night-time tea. Thankfully there is no fear in that for me.

Some people say that drugs didn't make the birth any less painful. Except for a friend of mine, who was given lots of drugs and it literally made her birth feel like just doing a poop (pain-wise, or lack thereof). Her first birth was so long and painful (that's with drugs), so she demanded more stronger drugs for her second birth. And her second child has autism, believe it or not, even though both parents don't have autism run in their families (they all seem like extroverted NTs). So if you take strong drugs to ease the pain of birth completely then it probably affects the baby's brain or something. And me being on the spectrum means that there's a huge chance my baby will be autistic too.

doesnt always happen
my son is nt

Given your fear of childbirth, you could opt for a planned Cesarean.

Yes, but I heard that comes with it's own complications too. I always thought that it was an operation and you're put to sleep the entire time so that you feel nothing, but then I heard that you're awake during the procedure. Also I heard that C-section can cause long-term complications such as bladder incontinence. It also leaves a big scar across your tummy. Also doesn't C-section increase the risk of autism, or is that just another "everything causes autism" myth? I don't see how that can cause autism anyway. I know a possible Aspie woman who had C-section for all three of her children and none of her (all grown-up now) children have any traits of autism.

I don't think there's anything about a C-section that can cause autism.

If more autistic kids are born via c-section it's likely a coincidence or related to why the moms are more likely to need the c-section, rather than the c-section causing autism.

Just to put another perspective here. Childbirth wasn't all that painful for me. Not compared to something like kidney stone. Labor should build up your pain tolerance gradually if it's drug-free. I pretty much didn't feel pain at all with my second one and dozed off between contractions. After he was born I was on top of the world happy. It's like drugs except natural and powerful.

Childbirth also tend to fix period cramps. I've never had another painful period after. And the love you feel for your newborn can last 3 - 4 years, just like romantic love with all the love chemicals, more free drugs! I used to just sit there and hold my babe on my lap and sniff his sweet little head all the time. He's not particularly interesting or beautiful, but if I can time travel I'd go back to that time again and cuddle him. And you know, I never even planned to have children. I think it's certainly worth experiencing once.

It's definitely an experience worth having but don't do what I did.

Me and my husband got to our mid 30s and thought 'what if we get to 60 something and think 'we COULD have had children but we Didn't. Even. Try.' We thought how disappointed we'd be.

So we stopped contraception as a kind of experiment to see if we could have a baby. Nothing happened for the first year and we were just thinking 'oh well, never mind.' Then suddenly BAM! I was pregnant.

I hadn't prepared a thing because I'd assumed I wouldn't get pregnant, not being a particularly feminine woman. I'd assumed because I'd never been a girly girl, it meant I wasn't a 'real woman' and my bits didn't work properly.

WRONG!! !! ! So I ended up pregnant with no friends or support system, no baby equipment, no plan for what to do. I was just winging it. A HUUUUUGE learning curve with my body, mind, life, job, health all changing in an instant.

What a catastrophe it was. I was thrown into the deep end of a very scary ocean, alone.

My husband? His life continued the same as before. Little changed for him.

Beware of this happening to you, women! Motherhood changes EVERYTHING for you. Fatherhood doesn't change very much for them, their bodies and minds stay the same whereas ours are ripped apart.

OT: I'm an older mom and grew up with horror stories like those from my mom and female relatives, so insisted my husband be more a caregiver than typical men are in my culture. I am the primary income earner so there is "weight" behind that request. Still, to your point KitLily, I remain primary caregiver because the culture demands that, e.g. my husband has skills (EQ) to develop and the school/physicians tend to call me even though he is listed as the primary contact. I notice that school pick up is now up to 1/3 male caregivers and 2/3 female. My husband can more easily schedule playdates. The culture is shifting.

My husband did really well as a father, he's the caring type, but the point I'm making is:

Pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding change a woman's body and mind for a long time, if not forever. It is a huge change.

Men don't go through that. Their bodies and minds don't change, their lives stay the same. And if they don't want to get involved, they can just walk away.

Women cannot because it's happening inside our bodies.

So think very, very, very carefully before having a baby, as a woman it changes you forever. Don't think it won't.

33 is not too old, I think that's the normal age these days.

I agree about not wanting to get pregnant though. The thought just creeps me out. No offence to any mothers on here but I do not think I could handle it.