How Does one Feel Compelled to be Their Gender?

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LOL, that's another "non-girly" thing I do.

When my mum took away my Friends DVDs, I was like, "I pity the fool who stands between me and Friends!"

I love Mr T! And Friends for that matter

Did you get the Mr T thing from the Friends eppisode with the bracelet?

Oh gee...Where to start with this thread?...and how to generate an intelligent response?....

I feel compelled to be my gender because that is what I happen to be. I make due with what I am. I might have a bit more testosterone than say..Paris Hilton...but I am a female..

When I was really little, I felt like a boy. All of the characters I admired and emulated were boys...furthermore I was dressed like a boy by my mom. In public, I was often mistaken for a boy.
Whenever I wore girly clothes I wore them to play dress up. I had a red and white polka dot dress with a circle skirt that I enjoyed wearing while I span in circles, because I liked the way the skirt went out in all directions, but that was the primary function of that dress. The only real connection I had to girls was through these dolls I had, but I could not relate to the dolls..I was nothing like them. They seemed like a different species than me....are young girls supposed to bond with their dolls in that way? Identify themselves in their dolls?

I tended to roam freely around the neighborhood as a small child, and would seek out boys in the neighborhood as playmates, and unfortunately I wound up getting molested a couple of times as a result.
When I tried to be friends with girls my own age, I was so different from them that they were objects of fascination...(all this stuff was before the age of 6 btw) For one thing, they were usually kept under lock and key, and then they dressed differently and acted differently than me...and I easily made them mad....ooh...and I could make their moms reeely mad...
So i was naturally mostly drawn to boys as playmates.
i was less prone to breaking their rules...though more in danger of boy brutality...not just sexual..

I gradually became a bit more girly, but continued to remain androgynous up thru puberty, so that in Jr. High, there was the dichotomy of realizing I was attracted to certain boys while simultaneously getting teased and called a lesbian...
By high school, it was apparent that i was sometimes hormonally attracted to girls too...
But then I joined my band and a short time later entered into my 6 year long relationship with my guitar player. He was a real stickler for me to wear girly clothes and shave.
I don't want to write a novel here...

Fast forward to me now.
I wear semi-girly clothes because skirts are way comfortable...and i don't like feeling too boyish..
When I am dressed way up in my stage costumes, I can feel a little like I am in drag.

I feel too alienated from most females to be attracted to them, and have nto felt that way towards another girl in many years...really not since puberty...But i tend to date guys who don't fit into conventional male stereotypes.

(edit) I tend to be too open in online forums.
need to work on it

well, i'm a different kind of female despite being an Aspie. here's why:

since i was little, i hardly played with Barbies. so i played with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Power Rangers, video games, listened to rock music, and earned a yellow belt in Karate instead.

my role models are strong, independent, and unique females who fight and speak for themselves. Wonder Woman, Catwoman, and the female Power Rangers are amongst them and the like.

i despise the word 'princess' because it's been completely taken out of context by people. even if they call me that.

i'm Colombian and my opinion on the typical Colombian woman is that she's expected to be feminine, beautiful, social, perfect, and submissive to men. i'm the opposite of all the s#!t. i've been raised by strong, independent, multi-talented, and working class women my whole life (my mom, grandma, and auntie).

i'm opposed to marriage and having children.

these days, i like to keep my image somewhat androgynous. if wanna dress butch, i'd put a bit of 'girlyness' to it (hair, make-up, jewelry, etc). i'm glad that i can wear footless tights underneath skirts because i'm more comfortable in pants or shorts. i just wish they made more skorts for chicks like me who doesn't want all of her 'business' shown to the world.

i could go on, and on, and on....

in conclusion of my list above, no, i don't have to be compelled to be my gender and i like it that way!

Actually, I'm amazed at what everyone has said. It's like...WHOA. Somebody understands what the hell I am talking about.

And I'm glad you guys posted. I am worried about my nephew, one who is AS and the other HFA, and gender roles being rigidly forced on them. My younger nephew loves his sister's toys, and his dad and grand parents are very antagonistic towards that, and I hate that. If he likes a toy, let him play with it! I don't see the problem...

But that's me.

I am so glad the OP was put on.

LOL yeah!

I was very tomboyish too in childhood, but not so much anymore.
Even so, being "girly" is superficial for me more than anything.

By my experience, I tend to think that being both an effeminate and an Aspie can actually play to an advantage, as far as dating goes at least. A lot of guys love a girl who is tech-savy, and good at guy things, but doesn't "act" like a guy. G4 and Wired capitalize on this stuff all the time.


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EVen though I dress feminine and wear make up and fake nails I ultimately think more like a man, and I spend most of my social life surrounded by gay men and t/sexual gay men . I rarely have anything in common with NT women or lesbians, but get on with these guys and transgenders extremely well and understand them completely.

I fit in with them because although I like to dress girly , but I know I don't think 'girly'. They joke that I am a gay/ T/gender stuck in a womans body lol. My son says he sees me more like a dad than stereotypical 'mum'.

I am a straight woman btw, and fancy men and am very happy with myself... although ppl sometimes wrongly assume I'm a lesbian.

Yes I also like the Snickers ad where he rolls in on a tank.

Another expectation I find difficult is that people think that just because I am a woman I am automatically going to be Martha Stewart (an excellent organiser and homemaker, I dont mean in jail). It is like I have to love cooking and cleaning because I have two X chromosomes. At least this is what my mother and grandmother think.

Wow, I´ve been reading this thread and I can relate to many things.

I think I´ve always felt feminine- at least, I thought I did. I was never an actual tomboy...(I remember being rejected by boys when I was young, because boys are so active, and due to motor coordination difficulties and sensory issues, I didn´t make the best tomboy). So, I identified with "being a girl". And to this day, I generally find summer dresses far more comfortable than jeans.

However, through the years, I have very often been told that I don´t "act like a woman" enough. In fact, people seem especially shocked and upset by it because I am small, petite and wear dresses! I guess my definition of "femininity" doesn´t fit the world´s definition. Actually, this stuff keeps changing. I grew up in the feminist era, so I felt quite comfortable with that; I think the feminists were basically trying to say that women should be whoever they are, rather than trying to follow a strict stereotypical "ideal". But then, the world suddenly changed, there seem to be new "roles" for women, and I feel the gender stereotyping has gotten worse again. This is one thing I notice, is that when the rest of the world "changes", I seem to stay the same...it´s like I´m just me, no matter what. So maybe that´s better. I believe a lot of this gender stereotyping is far more social than it is biological, so no wonder it´s difficult and confusing for people with AS.

As for sex, well...same thing, I think. Expectations, and misrepresentation. Of course, I laugh every time I see a virgin girl in a movie have sex, know exactly what to do, be totally sexy as if she had been doing that all her life, have an orgasm, etc. Not exactly realistic, but probably men who watch movies would get the idea that that is how it´s supposed to be. I also go through episodes of not feeling sure what it is I´m doing. In my case, I think the problem is mostly social and not biological. Even sex is a social situation, which can work, or not, depending on who you´re with.

(oh yeah- I´m another woman with mostly gay male friends).

I'm compelled to be my gender only when I look at myself naked in the mirror because when I'm dressed everything is dumped in my lap. Construction around the house, taking out the garbage, shoveling snow, shoveling s**t, hamerring wood,fixing the car, crawling in the crawlspace lookin for left tools. What the hell do I need a man for I do everything!

Thank you so much for bringing it up!! I have the same feelings, it depends on the day, but sometimes it's just hard for me to be there during sex. of course my boyfriend notices it immediately and gets offended, because he thinks it's him. I have learned to be more comfortable with sex (and I have the drive), but as you said, it's so different from the imaginary world...the real world is so bright and hard and violent (uh, quoting Buffy the Vampire Slayer here:)).

Growing up, I always identified with the male lead characters in movies and books. I never saw myself as any of the female characters. I didn't have almost any girlfriends at school, it was just so much fun to be around boys and talk to them about interesting stuff. Later it started to be very confusing because I always wanted to be just friends and men wanted, well, other things. For me, it was just disgusting, friendships were holy and to desecrate such a beautiful thing with a physical relationship was unimaginable. I discovered that I was a girl when I was 17 - one day it just hit me. Since then, I have learned to be more girly, to wear makeup and jewellery, but I still don't FEEL like a girl. I have always had a strong connection with gay men and I never understood why. Thank you for helping me to understand it all.

Gender roles are learned.

I like watching television or movies and seeing how stereotypical male and female behavior is portrayed. For example, there could be some ethical dilemma where a group of people has to decide whether or not to help someone or to mind their own business and avoid getting involved. Normally, the attractive, 'masculine' male will insist "no, we have to mind our business" and the attractive woman will say "awww, we should help them", she is allowed to care because compassion is considered a feminine trait in Western culture. That might not be the best example, lol, but you'd have to be naive beyond belief to think that little boys and little girls naturally learn to behave in the way that men and women are expected to.

^I think you bring up a good example and I see that so much in TV shows and movies lol.

I also tend to identify more with male characters in movies than I do females. I think that's why I love foreign films moreso than American ones. The genders in many of them seem more diversified and easier to relate to depending on the story line.

I do believe that we may fit some stereotypes when represented in culture but I think all too often those stereotypes are overemphasized.

Not to go off topic, but it seems that there are more lead female characters in Japanese films that seem to play the very opposite of femenine lol.

Anyway I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels confused about gender roles and this ongoing question of "What's wrong with me?"

Ditto here! I rarely find a female character I can identify with, even now. There are some characters, occasionally, that I admire and think are cool- (like the female elves in "Lord of the Rings"). Generally, the only females in film or books that I can relate to at all are mythical characters, witches, etc. I can relate to aspects of Elizabeth in the movies about Queen Elizabeth (Kate Blanchet). But I have a very hard time finding female characters who are like me, and for years I´ve wondered what´s wrong with me, partly for this reason....

^Kate Blanchet fan here too especially in her film role of Elizabeth.

Usually the people I bring that up to don't even know her.....