when you see a woman who is very "put together"

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Yes, looking put together eludes me, though I don't usually even try. I'm not even sure how it's done.

I have partially gray hair as well, but I don't dye it, because like you I would find it hard to keep up with dying the roots. I haven't set foot in a hair salon, not even for haircuts, in something like 25 years. It makes me terribly uncomfortable. I don't know what to say to the worker, and I even have trouble knowing what kind of facial expression I should make.

yes, going the to salon is very awkward for me. I lived in this city for over 6 years before stepping into a salon here and I would only get my hair cut once a year when i would drive 800 miles back to Houston to see my old hairdresser. I have to find a hairdresser I'm comfortable with and who doesn't see weirded out by the fact I barely speak when she's doing my hair. A couple years ago I found a Latina hairdresser here who does a great job with my hair (it seems fine, curly hair like mine is common among Latinos) and she chats in Spanish with the other hairdressers while she works so it's not an issue if I don't talk. She's really nice and doesn't trigger my anxiety, but it's still an issue with me just getting to the salon because i have so much trouble just making time for something I really rather avoid all together!! !

I used to cut my own hair, but I don't do a good job of it.

^I don't do a good job of it either, but I cut my own hair nevertheless. Going to a salon is like going to the dentist for me, in some ways worse because at least at the dentist you can't talk so you're not expected to.

And btw, I used to live in Houston.

Very recently I met someone who looked so grown up. She was a woman, wearing a proper outfit with an intentional hairstyle and perfect make-up. "How do you do that?" I wanted to ask.

Even when I remember to demongrelize myself, even when I have an outfit that works and looks great, I still don't feel "put together", I don't feel grown up. I feel like a fraud, a con-artist, a kid who's trying to make everyone believe she's old enough to get into a bar.

And I'm 30-something, in a second marriage, and have four kids. How can I not feel grown up? I wonder if these put-together women actually feel the same way. Maybe they still feel like they're trying to play a part and their outfits are a dramatic, greater coordinated effort to convince everyone? Maybe this is an area where we're all a bit messed up? I wonder.

When my son needed therapy in home I thought "oh great now there's going to be a parade of people in my home criticizing me, my kids, and my house" I was right the therapist who gave me the most trouble was just like that and also a thief. Always had her hair perfect, her clothes perfect and she told me she kept an immaculately perfect house. I've been in these women's homes they must clean their homes with toothbrushes and Q tips. My house is a mess, my kids and I are generally casually dressed and I don't get a new purse until the old one falls apart. She told me to my face after my diagnosis "I don't like adults with autism" and I don't like therapists who are hags.

Right now my kids are what matters not that I have a sink full of dishes and crumbs under my couch cushions. Not that my hair isn't brushed and I've forgotten something....

I see those women and know I would have absolutely nothing in common with them. I certainly would not have the amount of excess time on my hands that they seem to have. And .. . .well, they wouldn't much like my dogs - they might get a hair on something. So that pretty much seals it for me.