Straight Talk for Women on the Spectrum

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I've never been very good at socializing or making friends. I've also never been comfortable dating. Both are just really awkward for me. I'm not sure about others, but the therapist who tested me for AS attributes my lack of social skills & overall discomfort with people to be related to child abuse. Go figure. I have not been abused by my parents for years, but somehow it's the sole reason for my issues. If only it were that simple to blame stuff on the past. Another social problem I have is I still have the uncanny ability to attract bullies who come out of the woodwork to pick on me. At least it's not physical anymore, but still draining & annoying to deal with at all.

Tomboy

Wow, a thread for the likes of "ME".

I'm 44 & was diagnosed 3 years ago. It was such a relief to know why I am "me". My whole life has been one interpersonal-relationship struggle to another to another. I've only been able to keep 2 jobs past the 3 or 4 month mark, but even in those 2 "positions", the companies had to constantly move me around. It has never been a question of my skills. It's always been something in the neighborhood of "so & so says either you go or they do" or "this isn't about your work, it's about you" or something else.

My "family of origin" is about as dysfunctional as it can get. None of them has had any kind of positive reaction to my diagnosis. It seems that I've angered them & alienated myself to the point that they are just "so over" dealing with me.

Dh has been FANTASTIC in his response...he never really agreed with all the other diagnosis' I had; depression, bi-polar disorder, adult ADD. But when he read the info I gave him on AS, he said "BINGO & we have a winner here". Of course, that was 3 years ago...now that the "shine has worn off of the penny", he's made comments like "I just can't wait to teach you out of that Aspergers" (My response to THAT was WTF )

So, I'm feeling a bit like a lone ranger here...not sure what's next.

i learned to live in such a way that no one would believe i have asperger's. whoever this Dh is has the right idea. give yourself the best possible chance,. asperger's is a social learning disability. perhaps you can learn to cope with it, if not perfectly ( i still have to remind myself not to stare, for example) at least better and more happily.

at 40, asperger's ended my medical career. at 55, i'm flourishing in social work. that said, i guess i don't have severe asperger's, because i've always had empathy, if not the ability to show it well.

I think empathy is something people with Aspergers can feel, but it's more how we process what we're feeling and express it to others. Often I feel such an abundance of empathy that the only way I can express what I'm capturing (much comes to me as vivid imagery) and feeling is through writing. And on the topic of writing, I've consistently observed for years now that people on the spectrum tend to be quite adept at expressing themselves in writing. There is a strong intelligence there and ability to articulate thoughts via writing that I haven't observed as frequently with NTs. This is why I'm launching a website soon. I desperately need an outlet and a place where I can freely express myself and share my experiences. Comments will be open, which means I'll be receiving feedback from all kinds of people, I'm sure. But bring it on ... I have a voice that I need to put out there. Writing is the only way I'm able to fully represent who I am and share myself with others.

Carla

Sounds like a great idea, the website - WP is great of course, but the more the better. I like the idea of "bring it on" - energy and others' input accepted. For me, walls are coming down, bit by bit, as I accept this person, me, who has AS always did always will. When I read of people going forward and doing their thing despite AS and whatever else, it is heartening and encouraging. Looking forward to listening to your voice and others, too.

Only recently- actually, it's in the new Cognitive and Behavioral treatments for aspie adults book I'm reading on a Kindle-- I was reminded again of the myth of aspie lack of empathy that I hear people say often. As the author mentioned, once aspies process and understand what has happened, they often feel MORE empathy than NTs. it's the timing and processing and expression of it that throws of NTs. I certainly go through something like that myself.

But I must sleep now- sorry

Thankyou LovesMoose & other posters for this thread. I've enjoyed reading the contributions. There is so much going on in the lives of adults who find out about ASD in 30's and beyond. It's good to not feel alone.

Boy, I had a dry spell with posting in the forums. I've been feeling disconnected from everything lately, as if I'm just going through motions (as always) and repeating my same patterns over and over again. I'm turning 41 this week. Every year I hold out hope that somehow I'm going to change and start feeling more grounded and comfortable. Ugh. Although I feel myself learning and growing, the same things keep happening.

I desperately want to write about some things at work, but 1) it's never a good idea to do that, lest you get fired; and 2) my company is a high-tech company and supposedly tracks employee websites. I'm not permitted to mention where I work. But posting anonymously just isn't an option. I want Full Monty sharing and honesty in an effort to help myself and give a voice to older women on the spectrum. I have a feeling that I'll do a decent job of keeping things under wraps for the first several weeks, but gradually I'll probably start finding it difficult to resist sharing at least a rough outline of things I experience at work. How can I not? Work is where my Aspergers suckiness tends to show itself the most.

My website is launching on my birthday (for reals this time; I've said this for years; insecurities can go suck my left big toe). Please, please give me your support. I'll announce my website once it's ready to roll. My goal is transition into being fully self-supported by my writing, and my blog will act as a calling card and a place to make new friends and to find encouragement and support.

Anyhoo, I love everything posted in this thread and really hope to hear from other women, whether you're thriving or big time struggling. How are you doing? What's going on in your life right now? What's one suggestion you can offer on how to find and keep a friend? Dang, that sounds so grade school, doesn't it. But that's just how things are when you have Aspergers. Friendships aren't easy.

Okay, ladies. Try to have a fabulous day. For me I'm off to work and another round of pretending to be comfortable and settled at my job.

Cheers,

Carla

find friends in hobby groups (book club, crafting group) or support groups (AA, al-anon, overeaters anonymous, here).

good to hear from you, loves moose.

I'm wanting to learn how to knit again. I love the idea of being able to make my own sweaters, scarves and hats. Last week at a coffee shop I saw a woman knitting a beautiful sock for herself while she stood in line. I asked her about the sock and we exchanged a few niceties with each other. She asked if I crafted. I hemmed and hawed a bit and missed an opportunity to possibly sit down with her and learn more about her knitting.

But I do love the idea of making friends through a common thread like crafts.

Carla

Hi Ladies (since this is supposed to be the women's forum & thread-guys will just have to deal),

Thanks for starting this thread, LovesMoose. It's nice to hear other ladies' concerns & thoughts.

Anyway, I'm between jobs & have been since May. I am petrified of getting another job due to personality issues (AS or something else, since I cannot get a proper DX). I do not want to end up bullied again. I am too old for dealing with it, & why should I have to tolerate bad behavior from others at 49? I know I bring it on myself (I am a bully magnet....there's no sense in denying the obvious). They wouldn't bully me if I were not such an irresistible target. But I feel it's important to accept people for what they can do & their abilities, not because they seem weird. So I am looking for work, but going through temp agencies since that seems to be the best way I can get my foot through the door of any company. I find looking for work to be frustrated in the best of times. Being gifted with a difficult personality adds boatloads of frustration to the mix of a poor economy & lots of other jobless NT people. Any ideas from gainfully employed Aspie ladies?

In the meantime, I have decided to volunteer for some animal rescue groups who are trying to place homeless pets in their forever homes. I can best accomplish this through photography & help with office tasks. I have 2 agencies lined up with the possibility of one other. Probably about the max amount I can handle at this time. I am hoping that I can get some photography jobs on the side as well by doing this. LOL I don't want to be a full time photographer, but it would be great if I could earn some extra money through my skills & special interest. Some people do photography for a living & then volunteer...I am going about this backwards, I know. But it makes me feel good that I can do something to help out innocent creatures who are for the moment without good & loving homes.

Tomboy

This is how it is for me in conversations as well so I hate them and try and avoid them. With family it's much easier because they don't care and accept me. I feel my mind works too slow. Plus when I do speak, I get ignored.

Has anyone else had trouble with what the experts say?? I have read book after book after book about how we are so aggressive, so selfish, so non-understanding of others, that I've come to the conclusion that to be "well" I have to force myself to be passive, deny myself the right to do anything that is important to me but not to my spouse/friends/family, deny my own point of view and instead always favor what others tell me is the case.

This has led me into a deep depression. My current therapists, all the people in my therapy group, and my husband tell me that I'm taking it too far and that the experts are just plain wrong (in my case anyway). I notice that most of the books that say these things are written by NTs who work with us or people who struggle in relationships with us, and that the books about AS by Aspies (or by people who enjoy being in relationships with us) say something completely different.

I have a hard time believeing that a whole host of widely published professionals could be wrong and one little old autistic hillbilly right...

...but on my good, happy days that's exactly what I think. DH says I barely show symptoms at all when I believe myself, but become frighteningly robotic, show much more marked withdrawal and lack of eye contact et cetera, and very nearly cease to function when I believe the books.

I've come to the point where I have to choose what I'm going to give priority to: the books, or my own observations. One way or another, I'm going to start taking care of my kids again in just a couple of weeks, The only question is, Who am I going to be when I do?? Some modification of the person I was a couple years ago, or someone who forces herself to follow all norms and lives her life taking great pains not to be The Experts' Aspie??

Have any other Aspie chicks run into this problem??

I think this is the key right here. The delicate tightrope we older ladies have had to walk for a long, long time (whether we knew why or not).

Ultimately, everyone has to make this choice about being who they feel they are versus what's expected of them, what's proper, what's "ladylike", etc.

The beauty is finally having a context into which one can slot one's experiences and observations. Books are just books, someone else's observations.

i've read exactly zero books on asperger's. i had no idea i'm supposed to be violent and have never been violent. the opposite of violence is not passivity, but assertiveness.

i've always treated people well within the limited confines of what i was able to understand them to need.

when i do read a book on AS, it will be in the context of who i know i am and it will be for hints that i think will better my lot in life. i won't be looking for a makeover.

I am so glad I never read those books written by experts. It all sounds so horrible and it doesn't mean you have to be that way just because the books say you are. Besides you're you, not the label and it doesn't describe you.

If your partner is happy with you and doesn't think those horrible things of you, listen to him and f**k what the books say. Those experts may know show about AS.

I have seen other aspie books out there that were helpful and didn't talk that way about us.