Do you have a red flag list?

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Same here. Especially when they insist that they actually know what I *really* meant to say, better than I do myself, and if I try to clarify, I'm often then labeled as being "defensive," "argumentative," or "in denial". Or they just smirk knowingly and change the subject.

I have to wonder if *they* ever explicitly say what they mean, given that they seem to assume that the "real" conversation is whatever is said the "between the lines" and not the literal one being voiced in the actual words spoken?

*headache*

Also another read flag, do not ignore your feelings and instincts, actions speak louder than words so if you feel your partner is trying to control you or is preventing you from doing something or you think they are messing with you and intentionally doing things to make you mad or to go crazy and to drive you insane, you are probably correct and not being paranoid. Words mean nothing what they say. Go by their actions.

Also look for projection. If they say other people will think this or that of you if you do X, that is what they probably think so they are assuming that is how others would think. That also will tell you what kind of people they are. If they say people will do X if you do Y because it's probably something they do.

Getting defensive when you ask them questions and wanting them to back up their statements. Also when you ask them about things they say because something doesn't add up or because you noticed a contradiction in their story. I realize now I was basically calling my ex out on his BS and he didn't like it when I was trying to make sense of what he was saying and understand and I like to give people the benefit of the doubt if something doesn't add up because maybe there is an explanation. But a red flag is they really hate this when you do it. This could be an indicator they are not telling you the truth or mean they are not good people to be with. I like to know facts and want to know if something is an opinion or a fact so I know what to believe instead of taking it literal thinking it was a fact instead of an opinion or perspective. If someone can't do that, then they are not someone I would want to be with.

Another red flag is if your partner doesn't understand you and doesn't even make the effort to try and they won't even understanding something about you

If things are already going bad, it will get worse. Do not assume it will get better.

You're always bickering and arguing

You have depression in your relationship, you have low self esteem now

Anything is a game for your partner, anything they do not like they call it a game

Not in touch with reality

You don't even trust your partner to talk about your feelings or tell them what they are doing is bothering you and how it makes you feel

Not sensitive for your feelings and they would rather humiliate you

They don't even try to help you with anything

And of course anyone who claims to be a nice person or loyal or none judgmental, etc. keep your eyes out on their behavior if they claim to be these things. It's usually the opposite of how they described themselves

Someone who wants to be your sugar daddy

Yes, all of this. I have known a lot of people like this, who don't listen to anything and instead just interpret whatever they want and then tell me that they "KNOW" what I really meant even though I didn't say it.

This type of person usually ends up being sort of controlling, in the sense that they don't really regard my spoken wishes about things, or may not even ASK to start with, and instead makes a lot of assumptions about what they think I really want. Even if the person really meant well, I would not be able to put up with this for very long.

Another thing that usually goes with this, is when they want to change me or improve my life in some way, and they think they know what's right for me better than I do. Like when my ex who I had barely just met was already after me to quit my job.

- Absence of their own red flag lists. If people are blind or naive to other people's red flag waving behavior I tend to avoid them.

- Still has an ex still in the picture or ex trying to hold on and get back together. I'm always the losing side in battles like that

- Changes jobs or career directions every six months. I mean if they get bored with their job that often imagine how they are with relationships.

- Bigotry, misogyny, homophobia and racism.

- Guilt trippers.

- Criminal history.

- In the methadone program.

- Is cruel to/hates animals.

Changing jobs/careers is ambition. They doing it to continue to make more money. Thought women wanted that?

If they just doing it because bored then wow they must be successful. If I left this job it'd be long time before I found another.

/me hides before wibforce yells at him to keep quiet

More red flags:

If they are in a relationship or marriage already and their partner doesn't know about you

If have had way too many relationships and they are always with a new person every few months

How would you know if someone you're intrested in has changed jobs or career directions every six months? Also not sure being bored with their job would reflect how they feel about their relationship or imply they must get bored with relationships.

I am pretty sure my boyfriend finds his job a lot more boring than he finds me to be. In fact I think for me it would be a turn off if the guy I was with equated our relationship with his job. And I imagine when I am able to work, I would regard me and his relationship as much more important to me than whatever job I happen to get. But that is just how I think I guess.

A couple more red flags I just thought of:

is fond of/collects guns/knives other violent implements, and/or is fascinated by violence. Psychopaths find violence alluring and sexy, and also useful in manipulating and controlling people. Seems like all the spree shooters lately were fascinated with guns and had collections of them, so that should probably be a red flag.

We are all influenced by perception, it's very common for people who witnessed the same event to give a significantly different account of it, without deliberately lying (the Rashomon effect). But people who are perception driven seem to very heavily filter reality through it, to the point where if their perception or mental image of what/who you are contradicts your words or actions, they refuse to believe or acknowledge them. In other words, you're either lying or it didn't happened. Maybe this is how their brain works, as they seem to have a natural ability of ignoring and denying objective, easily to prove facts and get very angry if confronted about it.



I don't think they do - sometimes, when confronted with something they said, they would answer "but that's not what I meant".


This sounds like a different problem to me, a lot of people either think they know what's best for everybody and anybody or are truly incapable of understanding that others don't think, feel or experience the world exactly the same way they do. How often have you heard people saying another person must be "crazy" or even horrible for not wanting to have children or even for enjoying some food they consider disgusting? Or accusing someone of lying about what they like because they allegedly just say that to look smarter or better than others?

In my experience it's usually wrapped up together, the person thinks they know other people better than they know themselves.



I would only take this as a bad sign if there are other reasons to believe the person might have violent and/or psychopathic tendencies, and/or that they abuse drugs/alcohol or just tend to be very irresponsible in general. Otherwise I generally feel safer around people who have experience with weapons, than people who don't. But I live in and grew up in the country where lots of people know how to handle guns and knives. If I lived somewhere else, it might be a different story.

Yes, I imagine that would be subject to one's culture and setting, whether we're talking about a proficiency with tools one actually uses on a regular basis because one hunts, say, or someone who just likes to collect handguns or throwing knives or something because practicing being violent is a fun way to spend an afternoon for them. I'm obviously going to be more concerned about people who don't actually have a practical use for violence (like hunting for sustenance) but are more fascinated with it because they find it a stimulating way to spend their leisure time. There is a notable difference.

In my experience even people who might from time to time enjoy practicing throwing knives or things like that aren't necessarily violent/menacing people out to hurt anyone. My brother has been fascinated with knives and various weaponry since he was a kid and now has quite a few knives/blades and a couple swords(those are quite old and pretty dull though). But yeah its never caused me alarm and he does have a girlfriend who he treats well so just not so sure it really is a fair stereotype.

Even I once shot some make-shift targets with some cousins out in Minnesota, and it was fun...It didn't cause me urges to go cause actual violence.

A guy who shows symptoms of an abusive man.

There are insightful personal red flags here, learned the hard way, thank you for sharing them.
It seems to me that a person with social/communication challenges needs to have a list based on personal awareness of limitations; everyone is different, but a collection of these responses adds an outside perspective to hopefully balance out a certain lack of awareness.

Unfortunately this might rule out quite a few aspies but I find it hard to deal with inflexibility, like refusing to even consider trying new things, going to new places and contemplating new ideas. Fair enough everyone has their likes and dislikes but there's a difference between that and limiting life to the space of a square cube just because "I don't wanna"... Admittedly this partly comes from issues I had with my ex, who had an extremely rigid diet like that of a five year old and wasn't even aspie, we clicked in a big way but this was one of a few things that turned out to be irreconcilable.

Granted this alone isn't necessarily a red flag for everyone but it's often indicative of an inflexible attitude to life and to seeing things from another perspective. It would lead to hitting dead ends in conversations because because of a reluctance to admit they might be wrong and being forced to back down.

Last edited by gee_dee on 20 Nov 2015, 3:39 pm, edited 2 times in total.

I think that is fair, everyone has different compatibility.

I assume you meant aspie when you said aspire.