Straight Talk for Women on the Spectrum

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New girl here. *waves*

I was diagnosed a few weeks ago. Last week I read a book written for Aspie women by an Aspie woman.

Honestly, it was light reading at best. I wasn't inspired at all and, despite seeing myself all over the pages of that book, I didn't feel connected to... well, anything. Actually, I felt disconnected and frustrated afterwards.

I think that that discontent brought me here.

So happy this thread is still going strong.

Unlike Downs Syndrome or some other "obvious" display of a disability, women with high-functioning autism/Aspergers tend to blend in with the pack. Men on the spectrum tend to display in more obvious ways, which makes it easier to not only identify them but to also accept them as having a neurological disorder. But for women our ability to blend and mimick popular culture and societal expectations of us can actually be a problem, in terms of being fully understood and embraced and NTs being able to accurately depict us in studies and books.

The word "violent" is very violent and carries with it all kinds of nasty images and suggestions. For me I can quickly get very upset when something isn't coming together as I need or want it to, and as much as I despise strong language I can seriously cuss out an innocent wall or a chair in an effort to vent and blow off some steam. Lots of people -- spectrum-based or not -- experience much of what we do, and that' s another point of contention and dissent in the diagnostic community (and why so many women are misdiagnosed and cast aside with wrong labels). But the intensity of how I experience things, and how easily that can set me off track, sets my experiences apart from others. Although I don't like the word "violent" and am never physically violent toward others or excessively rude and tend to keep things fairly private, I definitely can have breakdowns and outbursts when I'm struggling. What annoys me is that professionals tend to see people that are displaying behaviors/symptoms in more extreme ways than I do, and because of that words like "violent" can creep into descriptors when people attempt to categorize us and our traits that place us on the spectrum.

I tend to want to present myself to others in ways that I feel will be acceptable to them. But this isn't easy. There's ultimately a limit in how much I'm able to mask when it comes to disguising Aspergers and trying to blend. It's very stressful trying to uphold someone else's standards of how I should behavior or socialize at work, and so here I am, sitting at home on a work day with a made-up excuse because I need a mental health break from that very intense environment. I don't get paid when I'm not at work, and things are at the point where the managers are starting to question me and my ongoing challenges at work. No one would label me as violent or anything that comes close, but they know that I process stress differently than they do, and that I'm a struggling misfit who does a great job at work, but misses the mark when it comes to things that they seem to value even more than great job performance. (Recently I overheard a manager telling someone that I'm great at what I do, but that there's a disconnect that she doesn't understand.) So once again I'm finding myself questioning how much longer I'm going to be able to stomach my job. I'm meant to be a self-employed writer, and I've shared that here before. But I haven't made much progress in that direction. When you're bound by routines and the need to do things a certain way every time, and the house has to be just so before you can sit down and work, and the hyper-focus you can give to a newly discovered blog, well, the dreams just always seem to stay out of reach for me.

That's incredibly annoying, especially now that I'm in my forties, and, despite my college education and math scholarship, am stuck in retail and working alongside people half my age. Ugh. What a ramble. Anyway, I'm looking forward to reading more from everyone in this thread. Thanks.

Carla

P.S. Hello, HappyDorkGirl. Welcome to this thread!! ! That's the cutest avatar. Did you take that yourself?

Gosh, I'm reading back in this thread a bit and realized that I missed some new posts. As always I tend to assume I'm a thread killer and that people aren't really interested in what I have to say, so when nobody responded to my post I strayed away and haven't been back. Isn't that just ridiculously childish? Well, some news beyond the long ramble just posted above ...

1) Yours truly has a wonderful new friend. My only friend and a lovely friend at that. He completely understands and appreciates me. I've had friends before, but not like this. That I might actually have a friend through the holiday season makes me really happy.

2) Tomboy, I'm going to pull together a complete list (as much as possible; the grays are seeping into my brain cells these days) of all of the jobs I've done in my life. You will fall down laughing, because what else can you do when you meet someone who's just like you and jumps from job to job faster than a mosquito to a bare butt?

3) What a great thing for you to do, volunteering in an animal shelter. I did that years ago and have always worked with animals. In fact tomorrow little Linus will be joining my animal family. He's a six month old dashund-chihuahua mix (can't spell either of those breeds) and just precious. He's going to be my first foster doggy and will be well loved by my two resident dogs and four cats.

Okay, I'm really done this time.

Cheerios!!

Carla

Hi LovesMoose,

Cool that you have a new friend. Hope things continue to go well for you both! I wish you well!

Today I had a fruitful visit with a psychiatrist. OMG! I can't believe I've met a doctor who isn't just a drug pusher! So I am having some lab work done at his request, & waiting for my prescription to be filled (Adderal). I never mentioned to him that I thought I have Aspergers even though I still feel it fits me perfectly. But I did tell him at his prompting about all my life's difficulties with stuff from abuse & bullying to memory & concentration issues. He also asked me about my family history which is pretty sparse since I was adopted as a baby. So maybe this is the start of something that will help me to feel better about things. He was thoughtful & considerate. But it takes a lot to gain my trust, so I will see if he continues to be like this or if things change. I have learned to be skepical with doctors.

The volunteering is going well. I am getting the backlog of paperwork caught up, & the ladies I am working with love the photographs I have taken. Another professional photographer went ahead & made me an administator on a website for homeless pets. I guess she had enough confidence in my abilities combined with the fact that fall is a photographer's busy season....so I'm sure it's freeing her up from doing stuff that I can do on my own. I have another dog to shoot who will be up for adoption as soon as he has recovered (abused). I can't understand how people can be so horrible. I also got a request today to take photos of another dog for money. It's a little daunting & scary, but I know I am a pretty decent photographer. So maybe things will start to turn around.

Now if only I could get a regular job to help pay the bills. I've been in retail (hate handling money & the stress that goes along with it), an antique dealer, worked in an convenience store, sold pet supplies including horse shoes & feed, as well as several office gigs as admin asst, receptionist, & worked in a photo lab (that was my fave job of them all). Wouldn't mind another photo lab job. I'm quite comfortable around photo equiptment, more so than with people.

In responding to your earlier post....I understand the violence. I tend to get over the top angry with devices & myself. I once lived on the 3rd floor of an apartment building. I used to visualize taking my computer & tossing it off my balcony when it would have issues. Just the visual from my imagination was satisfaction enough of watching it hit the ground with a nice loud smashing noise & watching pieces flying off of it. LOL Never acted on it, since the amount of money I paid for it stopped me from making good on my thoughts. I also knew that someone could get hurt below if I did toss it over. I'm not the kind of person who hurts other people, especially one who enjoys causing others pain. It takes a lot to get me angry at other people, & I usually only lash out with words. When I was a kid, I used to get into some terrible fights, but I'm not real coordinated, & loathe getting physically angry & hurting anyone else. It's just not my thing. I much prefer peace & tranquility to violence.


Tomboy

Your work with the animal website sounds like a nice opportunity for you. Did you take the photo you're using as your avatar? The lighting is really great. You know, people are fanatic about their animal companions. That could become a wonderful business for you photographing animals.

About visualizing throwing something out the window, I'm extremely visual and have a near-constant stream of images and imaginings flowing through my mind. It's annoying sometimes and difficult (almost impossible) to turn off. I'm used to it, but it wasn't until I started exploring Aspergers/autism more in depth have I come to realize that this is a common trait within the spectrum.

I doubt people will want to know just how graphic my visual "content" tends to be, but I guarantee if you were to meet me, you would be shocked that someone like me would have such things streaming in her mind. The thing is that I don't have a choice. They are just there. I can walk by a certain type of a man and get very strong sexual imagery, not due to any kind of an attraction, but there it is. I see all kinds of things and they are very vivid and crisp, almost as if I'm playing a high-def movie reel in my mind.

This is difficult for me to admit, and I'll spare any elaboration, but perhaps someone will read this, and think, "So I'm not the only one?" That's where sharing pays off. It can be very grounding to put personal stuff out there with the hope that you might learn you're not alone, and also to possibly lift someone else up in their own feelings of isolation and solitude.

Carla

Love your response to this question. As much as I want Autism to be just as easy to classify and understand as, say, Down Syndrome or a stand alone disorder such as OCD, the high-functioning sector of the spectrum is difficult to fully grasp, especially when it comes to women (and older women in particular). There isn't a one size fits all descriptor; hence the word spectrum. And this, I feel, has been sorely overlooked and misunderstood by the diagnostic community.

Carla

I still don't know why I'm a tufted titmouse. Does that have to do with how many posts I've posted?



So this weekend is an autism conference that focuses on adults, which is such a nice change from the usual offerings centered around children. I was going to go (it's in San Francisco), but decided to welcome a new foster dog into my home and impulsively told the organization to bring little Linus over to my house on Saturday. So there goes my attendance at the conference.

But honestly I've been on the fence about attending. I'm not sure I want to spend an entire day with a bunch of misfits like myself. On the one hand it would be fun and uplifting, and on the other, well, I'm not really sure. Have any of you attended workshops or conferences specific to adults on the spectrum? Or do you participate in monthly meetings or dinners? What's it like?

Cheers,

Carla

I'm grateful for the blog. I too think this would benefit me as well.

Like others here, I will often run things past my spouse or someone else before, I get in too deep. I am trying to get better with keeping boundaries in such a way that I don't hurt my emotions or anyone elses.

Do any of you experience physical fatigue from all the emotional work required to understand yourself and others as well?! I'm exhausted. The effort has been worthwhile for certain. It has given me more compassion with others and myself.

I have been exhausted my whole life. Doesn't matter how much sleep I get, how much exercise I get, what my diet looks like or how much I weigh. I'm permanently exhausted.

But I'm so grateful for the context of Aspergers and for my "fellow" ladies here in this thread!

You ladies are all so wonderful in your open sharing. I love reading everything you post. There are days when I just feel royally screwed up and unfixable and unlovable and friendless and incapable of making anything meaningful last in my life. And then I come back to this thread and rejoin "my own species" (loved that, by the way) and feel my feet touching ground once again.

Semi-random thought:

Going to the grocery store can be stressful for me. I'm so much better than before, but this has been a gradual process. No one probably likes standing in lines alongside strangers, but for me I get tightness in my forehead and have a physical reaction that is very uncomfortable. So I often question how others view me and if what I think they're seeing is consistent with how I'm feeling and what I imagine I'm projecting. Does that make sense? Sometimes I'll stutter when I need to ask the clerk a question and I can feel my eye contact wavering.

Outwardly I know I decently blend (makes me sound like a milkshake) and am often viewed as warm and caring and present, but this is from years and years of struggles and painful interactions with others and being ostracized and made fun of and all the rest of what comes packaged together with a spectrum disorder. These days I still struggle with this and am crossing my fingers I can keep my cool and hang in there with my job of five whopping months. My manager where I work very clearly doesn't like me. Her entire energy shifts and turns gray when in my presence. She has no idea how clearly I see her and others and can read people and situations. This may seem very unautistic, but I'm increasingly learning that many of us have such a heavy input overload from all that we take in from around us, and that we also have a constant undercurrent of awareness and insight that is steps above what others often experience. This is a gift and it's also a curse. On the one hand we struggle in understanding those around us and in trying to capture accurate impressions and interpretations of what's being communicated, and on the other hand we have deep insight and observations that are so sharp and crisp that others just can't relate.

Anyway, guess who's going to that conference I mentioned in San Francisco? The dog I'm going to foster will come home with me next week, and this Saturday I'll be spending the entire day at a conference that is 100% devoted to adults on the spectrum. Here's a link to a rundown on what will be taking place: SUCCESS ON THE SPECTRUM.

Carla