Asperger's in a male partner = abuse/neglect/apathy?

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I'm new to the group.. My a partner of 10 years was just diagnosed wtih AS. I've read some of the posts. The one thing I'm having difficulty is ( and I've been around autism for 20 years) is that the people that are so called experts want me to believe that he really isn't responsible for his action - b/c his brain is different. I can't swallow that - if that is the case then people with ADHD, people with PTSD, and people with bipolar disorder are also as their brains have been altered also. If you read the book the other side of asperger's you will see that it is very common for NA's to act NT while dating and then slowly their behaviors change as soon as they get married or move in with someone... Same with me... he changed over night and has slowly over the past 8 years allowed more and more of his AS behaviors to come out.. When I'm reading these posts about people saying they didn't all of the sudden get AS - well in the minds of the NT they just did b/c their behaviors slowly started coming out.

I can say without a doubt that from my experience it is very abusive.. I counseled and have personal experience with domestic violence and it fits the cycle.. the control and the punishment and the stress of being perfect and the financial control... it is for me abuse. My partner even told me on several occasions that he knew his behaviors were abusive. Now change is difficult for NA's, but that doesn't make it any less abusive and it also doesn't excuse them from abusive behaviors.. What I'm tired of is people saying that "they can't help it" and putting it all on the NT person. WE all are doing the best we can with the info we have in any situation, and we all are responsible for our actions, even AS. I would say that my partner has been cruel and very manipulative and he would agree if you ask him. His is empathetic when he wants to be and other times when he has something else he'd rather be doing he doesn't care if I'm having surgery - he gets upset that he cannot have his way and be home doing what he wants to do.

You cannot compare AS to the male brain... Not all AS people are the same b/c they all had different childhoods just like everyone else. We all have different area's of our brains that have functioning and less functioning parts. But with AS it is more exaggerated.

I think you have to take into consideration that someone has AS but I don't think it is helpful for them to just have no responsibility for their actions either. Saying someone can't help it - just make them a victim and it also disables them and tells them they have limits. How does anyone know what anyone can do... or help.. You just can't know it until the person tries.

My partner will tell you that he feels he could try harder and do more.... he just doesn't feel like doing it.. When someone has led a life of others doing things for them or taking responsibility for them... they don't learn to do it themselves and they don't learn what they are capable of. That is different that pushing someone.. it doesn't have to be one way or the other..

AS people in my experience.. ( again they are all different) have more of their AS behaviors when situations come up that are stressful.. or out of the norm.... so yes it is possible that they might have more AS behaviors than before.

I'm really tired of people saying that the NT is abusive one. When you are a NT and your trying your best to live and cope with a NA person - expecting the NT to always take on everything just b/c they are with a AS person is ludicrous. We all are human and NT especially have emotions and need to express them.. I can tell you that in my experience, I get up everyday and I'm so exhausted that I can barely make it until 1am when I fianlly get to go to bed and be up at 7 or 7:30 to do it all again that - I'm pushed to the brink and all b/c in this world if you are NA noone expects much of you and so it is the NT's job to take over.... this is insane.. You cannot expect that of someone... it isn't fair and it isn't healthy for the NT... I've had extensive health issues with this relationship...

I'm a giving person and very patient but I can tell you that he will push me to the breaking point.. and take full advantage of my giving... and give nothing in return.. I love him with all my heart but I can't kill myself trying to live my life like this.. I have a life too.. or I did at one point now it feels like I'm a robot..

As for women having affairs - I'm not going to judge that... living with a man that has very little if any sexual desire and doesn't give in the intimacy department - what do you expect someone to do ? NT have needs... and AS men ( some of them) don't fill any of their needs.. I haven't had an affair but I sure do think about it alot. My AS man doesn't even desire me b/c I'm not perfect enough for him . That is another thing their fixation on perfection. It is very very very hard to live with an AS person, and as a society we need to give the NT person a break.. b/c when your with a AS person it is always about them.. I've lost my spark and my drive for life and I feel worn down and hopeless most days.. and that just ain't right.... I think we as a society need to stop and take a look at how the dynamics of this NA and NT relationship is set up... What is it my children are learning from this? I wonder if I'm not raising 2 co-dependant girls b/c they see what I have to do and be just to get by.. It is scary. And b/c I know someone is going to take what I'm saying the wrong way... I adore people with Austism and I'll be the first to stand up and say something in their defense. My AS man is very special and that doesn't mean that everything I've said isn't true also. I have a nephew and a father.. and I used to work with Autism.. I'm not bashing anyone... What I'm trying to say is we all are doing the best we can and it isn't right to expect a NT to carry all of the load, and give up their life and desires just b/c the other one has AS.. I wonder if a NA with a NA relationship works better?

Sorry for the long post but I was addresses several posts all at one time..

I am Aspie woman who has a thing about a man who is, I suspect, Aspie, and doesn't return how I feel. I have had many of these things in my life, and I've come to suspect that I only find Aspie men attractive. Dad was definitely on the spectrum, and I think I get drawn into the drama of trying to cajole affection out of someone who is incapable of being close to me. I'd also imagine that I would not be attracted to anyone who truly wanted closeness with me. I used to explain this via Robin Norwood's book, Women Who Love Too Much. Now, however, I see an Aspie side to that, too. We are desperately lonely. We want closeness but are scared of it. We get obsessive about people we can't have, we have massive rows with people if they do want us. We are drawn and repelled equally, and get horribly hurt.

It really is as useless to blame Aspies for being Aspie as it is to blame NTs for being NT. You can start a relationship. It might not work. You'll be furiously angry, because that's part of the process. But (barring abusive behaviour) that's just how relationships are, People let us down. Things fall apart.

Until I realised all this, I used to blame the men I fell for ferociously. Now I see it as a pattern we both lock into. I suspect (vast generalization here: feel free to ignore) women who are attracted to Aspie men (or men, to Aspie women) are themselves also on the spectrum - and, as I used to do, blame the "other" for how things fail.

Thing is, no one's going to be able to change. NTs won't stop needing emotional closeness and reassurance. Most Aspies will have some manner of problem with those things. No one (abuse, again, aside) is right or wrong here. Believe me - I can see dozens of ways I might be happier if I could just change myself. If, for instance, I could stop feeling undying devotion to any man who so much as kisses me - that would suit me down to the ground. But I can't. It's how it is.

It's time to make peace with ourselves, and everyone else.

I think that NT's as well as NA's have intimacy issue. It would be difficult to find someone in this world that doesn't have some sort of intimacy issues. It is not uncommon for someone that has a dysfunctional parent ( very distant and cold emotionally) to seek that out in a partner. We tend to be drawn to someone that is like that parent we have the most issues with and even if we try not to find this in our partner, we end up with it anyways. That being said, what your saying applies to so many men and women regardless of neuro makeup. From my experience NA's that I have been around really only have glimpses of emotional connections and don't really have a drive to crave affection much. I can't see that a person that repels someone that wants them as AS but as someone that has fear of intimacy issues. Everyone is unique whether they are NA or NT we all have different issues based on our upbringing. (I've had to work through that myself) ( I'm not aspie and I've had experts tell me I'm the opposite of the spectrum) Lots of women involved with Aspie men say they feel abused, very common. People do let us down and things do fall apart and though if your with a NA partner it makes things much more difficult, as many say that it is more of an issue with addiction than of love. People can change, I've changed incredibly much, but it was b/c I chose to do the work on myself to make the changes. I agree no one can change their neuro make up. NA's might be able to - some claim to have done it- ( that is questionable) And with any change it takes will power and a lot of hard work. In my experience, you can't make someone change though. I agree that - they are what they are and you are what you are and it either works or it doesn't. It's always a gamble in relationships. Sometimes relationships or the need for one can be an addiction and need to fill a place inside us that really only we ourselves can fill.

i think they all post here.

you say "it" is abusive. if your partner really is abusive, he is abusive.

this is an old thread but ManErg's post on p. 1 has a lot of very good points, and he has expressed his skepticism of this AS man / NT woman relationship dynamic much better than i could.

as a woman, i can only say i am baffled when i see women remain in relationships in which they are disappointed with the behavior of their partner, as if someone who really loves them should express that by molding himself into her ideal.

i do not understand the glue that keeps people together, so part of this inability to understand i recognize as mine. however, if someone fails you it may not be that he is unwilling to make the "correct" changes to his character (or unable, or which or whatever). you may be wrong for each other. and as it takes two people to make something work, it takes two people to make something fail.

it would not feel good to be expected to be something you are not, any more than it would feel good to lack the emotional reciprocation you feel you should receive.

i don't mean this to be as simplistic as it will sound, but it is on both partners to learn to understand each other. and if they cannot, or are not making each other happy, the decision belongs to either of them to say goodbye.

I have seen posts at AS Partners by woman who claim their AS parents abuse them and I saw a thread at babycenter talking about men being abusive except the word was jerk. It was about the same stuff they go though too.

I don't see much of a difference.

I'm not staying..... simply put-- people change if they want to or if not, they don't. Adding the AS factor into a relationship IMO makes things more complicated. When children are involved it is, of course, sometimes challenging with my AS father. Again, not uncommon for women to feel their children can't be left with the AS father due to safety issues and the AS slow reaction or non reaction or self involved behaviors. I think that it is very easy to say what others should or shouldn't do but in reality, no one knows someones situation unless they have lived it. I don't judge staying or leaving. I guess everyone has their own definition of abuse. And every AS NT relationship has it's own unique "abusive" behaviors, if any, just like any other relationship. Blanket generalizations on AS people is just as judgmental as with blanket generalizations with any other group of people. (wasn't my intent to have made a generalization)